Ashlee & Jessica Simpson Archives

May 12, 2009

Fug or Fab the Cover: Jessica Simpson

When I first saw this cover, I must admit that I thought, "oh, GOD, J Simp. Can you ever take a picture without that open mouth, slack-jawed look?" Because, literally -- look at Vanity Fair''s slideshow. Her mouth is open in every single photo, with the exception of one. Which is not to say that she doesn't look beautiful, because she does. Just beautiful AND slack-jawed. At some point, you'd think someone would decide that maybe Pretty But Dim isn't the best cover choice when it comes to selling this particular magazine, which isn't exactly aimed at the world's dim bulbs and dull knives (I always think of VF as being Smart Fluff, while, say, US Weekly is Juicy Fluff, and People is Fluff Plus Babies Who Fell Down Wells). Surely there was a photo of La Simpson in which she looked like she had a thought in her pretty head...no? PS: I'm sure she's thrilled they decided to bring up The Mom Jeans Heard Around the World again. Because why would she want to put that behind her?

poll by twiigs.com

April 17, 2009

Fuggica Fugson

It's no surprise Jessica Simpson is navigating these stairs with such white-knuckled trepidation.

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

I'm pleased to see that she's not wearing Daisy Dukes all the time, presumably a phase she's out of now that her country career is dead (or mostly dead, but in a way even Miracle Max can't cure), but: HEM YOUR PANTS, CHILD. You'll thank me when you're no longer in mortal fear of tripping on them, slipping, and splitting open your lip. Which would ALSO be a problem for you because then everyone would try to claim it happened during a fight with Tony Romo or something, and in coming out to deny it, you'd end up giving about ten more interviews in which you say that he's the one and you want to have his tiny babies -- and that means he'll probably break up with you when pre-season football ends. So, see, you're saving yourself a bloody mouth and a nasty breakup if you'd just shorten those bastards, okay?

poll by twiigs.com

April 13, 2009

Fugsica Simpson

Fug file:

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

JESSICA: Ugh.

TONY: What's up, babe?

JESSICA: Yuck.

TONY: Speak up, babe.

JESSICA: Everything always seems like such a good idea when I'm at home.

TONY: Word, babe.

JESSICA: And now that I'm out, and there are photographers, like, of COURSE I feel like this stupid dress makes me look like a giant sofa cushion from that furniture sitting on Aunt Edna's lanai in Palm Beach.

TONY: Too true, babe.

JESSICA: And I... wait, what?

TONY: I hear you, babe.

JESSICA: You don't. You're just saying stuff. You're not even listening to my pain. WHY DOES NO ONE LISTEN TO MY PAIN?

TONY: Dude, babe.

JESSICA: I hate today.

March 27, 2009

You Make Me Wanna Fug Fug

Fug file:

dialogue,
WTF

[Photo: Splash News]

PETE WENTZ: Ashlee? You're supposed to be smiling more.

ASHLEE SIMPSON-WENTZ: Pete? Honey pie? You're not smiling either.

PETE: You're the one who said, "Oh, everyone thinks we're having marital problems. We have to be HAPPY."

ASHLEE: Just because I'm not showing my teeth doesn't mean I'm not smiling. See? I have an upturn to my mouth. I'm just being STYLISH. What's your excuse?

PETE: My excuse is that you're not being stylish, and I'm aggravated.

ASHLEE: Said the boy whose pants are riding up over his socks.

PETE: Seriously, what are you wearing?

ASHLEE: It's FABULOUS. You just don't get it. I sewed a cape onto my dress in the shape of an infant sling! That way, I can wear this and bring the baby out with us. Or just use it as my purse. Or just remind everyone that I am both hip AND a grounded mother who always has her child in her heart.

PETE: It's insane. You look like a witch. You're going to catch that thing on a chair and fall over and concuss yourself and probably get amnesia, and THEN where will we be?!?

ASHLEE: On the cover of People?

PETE: ... Hmm. Actually, that's not a bad silver lining. Just try not to have the kid in it when it happens.

March 16, 2009

Sweet Fugs

Fug file:

I know I used to hate her, but it's gotten to the point that I just want to take poor Jessica Simpson under my wing and take care of her. And then shake her and demand to know why no one loves her enough to HIRE HER A COMPETENT STYLIST:

[Photo: Splash News]

You'd think after all the ridiculous uproar over her admittedly INCREDIBLY HEINOUS MOM-JEANS, Team Simpson would have had an emergency pow-wow and realized they needed to get poor Jess -- formerly the jewel in their money-making crown -- some help. Girlfriend CAN NOT DEAL with putting clothes on her bod, and if this is in fact the work of a paid professional, said professional needs to be fired like a flame-broiled Whopper. Giant platform heels + white corset + flannel + Spearsian-style, over-taxed cut-offs = FAIL. Let's all visualize for a moment: put J Simp in jeans (flattering, regular jeans) and she's already looking sixty-five percent better. Daisy Dukes are not ALWAYS the answer, no matter what movie roles you've played. Won't someone STEP IN and give this girl a hand?

January 26, 2009

Fug Kisses

Fug file:

high-waisted pants

So...Jessica Simpson has been very busy of late: (a) she's been romancing Tony Romo, which has probably been fun, (b) she performed this weekend at a chili cook-off (...I know. I feel kind of depressed now, too), and (c) she very kindly took one for the team and illustrated for us all that high-waisted jeans are really not flattering on everyone. Especially not these:

[Photos: Splash]

Here is the thing about these jeans: they might look great on you if you have abs that could grate cheese and little-to-no body fat. On the rest of us, they just emphasize Inner-Thighs-Through-Belly-Including-Hips, which is something I want in my pants about as much as I want Tony Romo to come over and throw a boiling vat of chili in my face. I mean, if you just mentally move the waist band of these jeans down about two inches, girlfriend looks 100% better, am I right? The sad thing is, I'm sure the tabloids are going to jump on this with a replay of Star's infamous "IT'S NOT A FAT SUIT" headline, when really, J Simp's probably gained a pound here or there because she's not working out 8 hours a day anymore and who can blame her? She's in love! She's WORKING A CHILI COOK-OFF. She's not made of stone, people, and I suspect she's naturally a curvaceous girl. The fact of the matter is that we all know she'd probably look freaking great if she would just burn those pants and salt the ground. See, this is why I always vote for flattering jeans. Forgiving pants = more sandwiches and far less agita from people squawking about the remainder of your minor holiday weight gain. Also, more sandwiches = much greater happiness. It's like one of the fundamental rules of basic math.

December 15, 2008

Fugcy

Fug file:

It cracks me up that Jessica Simpson's new perfume is called "Fancy," both because that seems like an incredibly obvious/generic thing to call a scent -- like, is her next one going to be named "Smells Good"? -- and because it always reminds me of the Reba McEntire song of the same name, which is about a girl whose mother pushes her into prostitution because they're poverty-stricken. And it seems to me that prostitution is not something most women want to smell like. But who am I to judge? Now, let's talk about her outfit:

OH J SIMP. Just the other day, Heather and I were talking about how we used to kind of hate you and wish fervently that you would go away and now we are really kind of rooting for you and Tony Romo and worry that you are lost without the loving embrace of girlfriends who will remind you that you are a beautiful girl and then gently tell you that red ruched satin is a LOT of look and that perhaps you -- who naturally already HAVE a Lot Of Look -- might be better off in something maybe less festive but also a bit more subtle, no? No? Okay, the thing is called "Fancy," after all. Go with God, then, kid. But please stop talking to the media about how Romo is the wind beneath your wings and the light of your life and the man who makes you want to be a better woman and someone who had you at "hello" and the star of all your Celine-Dion-video-inspired fantasies, because you KNOW that's just bad luck. Okay? Good. I'm glad we had this little talk.

September 30, 2008

Fug the Cover: Jessica Simpson

Fug file:

random-ass magazines

So, I was having my usual Monday night -- deep-conditioning my hair, watching Gossip Girl, eating delicacies wrapped in bacon, drinking heavily, worrying about my investments, thinking about boys, and catching up on my blog reading -- when I came across this particular delicacy (thanks to Girl With a Satchel). Cleo is an Australian magazine, and it looks rather entertaining, although I suspect I always think foreign magazines seem more entertaining than American ones just because I can't find them easily here and they therefore remind me of the kind of kicky vacation I cannot afford. That being said, I am pretty sure -- just from reading the cover! -- that I HAVE "shoppers dysmorphia," and also that I probably need to read about penis sprays, if only so that I can turn to my dining companions the next time I'm at brunch and go, "So I was reading this article about penis spray..." But we need to talk about J. Simp. Sweet merciful hot pants, I will give someone a dollar if they can get Jessica Simpson to appear on a magazine cover without looking like (a) someone just hit her on the head with a two-by-four or (b) as if she's a Fem-Bot whose settings are stuck on KILL WITH EXTREME BOREDOM. Really, a whole dollar. I know it's not much, but shouldn't we all be taking what we can get right now?

September 11, 2008

Come On Fug

Fug file:

So, because we're at Fashion Week and totally crazy, it is possible that I missed the explanation for why Jessica Simpson showed up on Today wearing...well, this:

[Photo: Splash News]

So, that is...how to put this? Unflattering? Please tell me she's doing some skit in which she shoves a pillow under her dress to simulate pregnancy -- as I did as a child on occasion, much as I would use a towel on my head to simulate being a nun/being a bride/having long hair -- and not that she's chosen a dress that makes her look....well, more protrude-y than she actually is. Although, frankly, even when one is out shopping for a prankster gown in which to play mom-to-be to really put the fear of God in one's boyfriend, one can always pick something that didn't look like it fell off the back of the truck heading toward the Dress Barn outlet. Am I right?

August 28, 2008

Fug On Over

Fug file:

When Jessica Simpson decided to switch to being a country singer, I actually thought it was a good idea -- I mean, here is a girl who has some talent but hasn't quite seemed to fit in anywhere, she's from Texas, she's got roots in the South, and she's got the same hair as country success stories like Carrie Underwood and Faith Hill and Taylor Swift and.... the list is long. (Admittedly, we'd rather see her with a Reba-style red bouffant, but Ashlee won the red hair coin-toss so it's not going to happen.) So it's not a DUMB idea for her to switch genres.

But here's why I am skeptical of it working: She is TOTALLY pandering. All of a sudden, she's back in her Daisy Dukes and cowboy boots and knotted button-down shirts, or she's on-stage in stuff like this:

[Photo: Splash News]

HONEY.Your career is not a stage adaptation of Big Business; you, therefore, do not need to style yourself as though you are playing the Bette Midler "rural twin" who likes to yodel at the county fair. Country fans are not idiots; it is wrong to assume that, just because you wear something that looks like you stitched it together from picnic-basket liners during a really boring hayride, they will stop booing you and start hugging and toasting marshmallows. These people will not appreciate being talked-down-to -- or styled-down-to, as it were -- by a girl who thought tuna was chicken and, worse, thought acting stupid made her adorable.

Also, put your tongue back in your mouth. You don't know where that air has been.

Ashlee & Jessica Simpson

Fug or Fab the Cover: Jessica Simpson

Fuggica Fugson

Fugsica Simpson

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You Make Me Wanna Fug Fug

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Sweet Fugs

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Fug Kisses

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Fugcy

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Fug the Cover: Jessica Simpson

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Come On Fug

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Fug On Over

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