Ashlee & Jessica Simpson

Poor J. Simp. She doesn't look half bad, but you want to forestall tabloid covers calling you a Sad, Desperate Spinster who CAN'T STAND that her sister got married and sprogged up while you're still Desperately, Sadly Searching For Love, don't go out in a black gown and a sad expression. You are only giving US Weekly a photo to run on the cover of the JESSICA: STABBED IN THE HEART, AGAIN, AND THIS TIME IT REALLY HURT issue. And while we're on the subject, can I just say how ridiculous it is that every magazine in Hollywood seems to be peeing themselves with horror over the fact that J. Simp hasn't managed to get married again yet? She's not even 30! She had a terribly painful divorce! LET THE GIRL DATE AROUND. The earth will not stop spinning on its axis, throwing us all into everlasting darkness and terror, if Jessica Simpson has a few years of confusing relationship troubles LIKE EVERY OTHER PERSON WHO EVER LIVED.

And thus concludes the entry in which I defend Jessica Simpson.

[Photo: INFdaily.com]

ASHLEE SIMPSON: Pete?

PETE WENTZ: What up, baby?

ASHLEE: Do you think we look too matchy-matchy tonight?

PETE: What are you talking about? I think we look fierce, both individually and collectively.

ASHLEE: Sure, but....you know, we're promoting my new album.  Shouldn't I stand out more?

PETE: I'm not sure I understand you.

ASHLEE: I mean, don't we want people to pay attention to ME tonight? Not US?

PETE: But I thought YOU were US. I am YOU. You are ME. WE are WE. And I told you, you didn't have to wear the hoodie.

ASHLEE: That was just so we could better show off our matching bangs.

PETE: And? AWESOME.

ASHLEE: I guess.

PETE: Ash, I just want you to be happy. And what says "conjugal happiness and sensitive yet catchy emo/punk rock" like matching outfits?

ASHLEE: Fair enough.

PETE: PS -- am I accidentally sitting next to Bobby Trendy?

Just the other day, I was wondering what Ashlee Simpson was up to. Not in a, "Do you think she's brushing her teeth? Ooh, maybe she's flossing!" kind of way. I am not a stalker. And if I were, I don't think I'd pick Ashlee Simpson as my stalkee.  I would be more likely to stalk, like... I don't know. Ian Ziering, maybe. You know, for one thing, he'd probably appreciate the attention. Plus everyone loves Steve Sanders. Win-Win!

Anyway, it appears that she was actually off dyeing her hair and buying one of those big-ass clutches that I've decided I want (it fits a lot of stuff, AND it's easy to smack people with):

I don't know, you guys! I think she's kind of working it. But I also suffered a head injury this morning when a box containing a pair of wooden heel boots fell off the top shelf of my closet and onto my head. Does she actually look sort of cute - in that prim way that I dig -- or is it just the giant hematoma talking?

This isn't exactly a proper fug, as I don't really have an issue with Ashlee Simpson's outfit here. Sure, it's kind of quasi-Goth, especially with her slinky slumpy posture and copious eyeliner, but I own like 32 different black shirts, so I feel her need for monochromatics.

And while she's seemed to have made a habit of brushing her hair only sporadically -- perhaps in an attempt to look as Mary-Kate-ish as possible -- at least she's kind of committed to that whole I Just Rolled Out of Bed look. The thing I'd like to draw your attention to, dear reader, is that our little Ashlee managed to pose in front of a sign for Hornitos without bursting into 5th grade giggles. I suspect Jessica may not have been able to hold out. (Jessica Simpson, that is. Not me. I did not make a "I'm feeling hornitos" joke and then delete it, no sir.)

Seriously, J Simp is such a tragic figure right now:

What is her deal? It's beginning to feel like this creature  we've been seeing lately is not the real Jessica Simpson, but will actually soon be revealed to be the Jessica SIMson, a simulation of the real J Simp, available for purchase at the low, low price of $199.99 on QVC as they branch out into the lucrative but as yet untapped world of sex dolls.  And, look, dude, we're not saying that there aren't some evenings when you finish your steak frites and wonder what to wear to XYZ Event and think, "tonight, I fully want to resemble a Real Doll," but for real, you can't do that EVERY NIGHT or people will begin to  cast aspersions.

There is something so refreshing about rediscovering my feelings for Jessica Simpson, like a dip in the pool after a hot, sticky day. My distaste for her is a constant, like the tides, and unless she saves my dog from a hostage situation (for example), I suspect it will never leave me.  And even then, I think my reaction to her might be, "I know she saved my dog from a hostage situation, but DAMN. Does she EVER close her mouth?"

To wit, her new ads for whatever the heck it is she's selling/promoting/designing/making in her basement while listening to a tragic mix of John Mayer and Nick Lachey tunes she's titled "Why Can't I Keep A Man? OHGODWHYGODWHY?":

J Simp is a pretty girl, okay -- although I think she's better suited to her old blonde hair -- but holy hell, did no one notice that she's got the exact same expression on her face in every one of these photos? She looks like she's trying to do long division in her head.

Okay, Ashlee. It's great that you're in love -- seriously, we're all very happy for you, given what a muscular streak of misery your sister usually turns into when she's not in the tabloids hiding behind her hair while a dude pulls her around by the hand. So, be happy.

But why does love have to equal Repetitive Headgear Syndrome?

[Photo: Splash News]

We respect that, since Pete Wentz stopped so graciously telling the press that you two would only be a great love story in another lifetime and started allowing himself to be photographed wrapped all around your waist, you might be content taking a backseat for a while during his band's tour. But I feel like 7 times out of 10 that I've seen you two together lately -- usually in the pages of one of the gossip rags that winks up at me from my doorstep every week -- you have your noggin stuffed inside a fedora. (The other three times, your head is free as a bird but your hair clearly hasn't been brushed in 72 hours -- although I'm pleased to see you have at least taken a comb to it in recent memory here -- and 10 times out of 10, you are hiding half of your face somewhere in the vicinity of Pete's right ear.)

What gives, Simpson the Younger? Does Pete yank out your hair in the heat of passion? Do you just bump your head a lot? Did Ken Paves screw up your weave? If it's that last one, there ARE other hairdressers. Just because he is your sister's only friend doesn't mean you have to pay him to make your hair look so limp that you hide under a hat all the time. Free yourself.