Bai Ling

BAI LING: I know, darlings. Despite the fact that my right nipple might be peeking out to say hello, I look surprisingly demure. Why? Why would my many personalities confab and decide to go lo-pro? Because look around you, darlings, it's Cannes. Everyone's tit is hanging out. I'm like Princess Diana floating in a sea of Jordans around here. Look at this young lady:

SNORE. I wore that to my 8th grade graduation.

YAWN. White catsuits with illusion nettings are so Plant Zarcon 2031. I already wore this in the future, you fools.

And speaking of fools:

If you'd asked me to show up at a photocall for my new movie, I would have assumed that a) hell had frozen over, b) you were totally drunk off your tree, and c) I should wear clothes.

But I don't have Bai Ling's vision and moxie.

Only Bai Ling could get away with being this naked and insane for a professional event. Oh, sure, she's wearing a "shirt" --  a repurposed cape stolen from Personality #7's last boyfriend, a dark marauder who wore it while slithering through the streets pillaging blood from the necks of any innocents in his path. And we're fairly sure that in her world, those drawstring leg warmers are "pants," even though they only cover 30 percent of each leg and their primary function in life appears to have been acting as a Christmas gift bag for wine bottles. But, see, that's her vision, and it takes moxie, or a hell of a lot of hallucinogenic drugs. Still, it can't be denied. When she shows up and says, "Today I am a spy impersonating Santa's Krav Maga teacher, and I want to hump a picture of myself," the world has no choice but to listen and let The Crazy romp free.

Bai Ling is back!

I would be tempted to say that she is better than ever, but it looks like she had a pretty bad car door/hem incident on the way over.

The deeper we probe Bai Ling -- in a distant, fully clothed, frightened kind of way -- the more unusual personalities we find. We have reason to believe this one is #14, a.k.a. "A shot of Scotch Frisky."

[Source: Daily Celeb.]

She really puts the "tart" in Tartan, don't you think? I'm greatly excited for her sponsorship deal with the 3M Corporation, in which they put out a special commemmorative Bai Ling tape dispenser that starts purring every time you rip off a piece.

Occasionally,  Heather or I look up from our sandwiches and wonder aloud, "I wonder where Bai Ling is." We assume she's off  dueling aliens or jumping on her bed with pants on her head or getting a bikini wax or drinking the blood of virgins so as to prevent herself from aging or whatever. But wherever she is, if she's not on the red carpet, after a while, we start to miss her and her wacky antics. Thank goodness she's back, and -- judging from her outfit -- actually working at the theatre as an usher!

Hey, a girl has to pay the rent somehow.

We didn't want to worry you guys, but we were getting kind of concerned about Bai Ling. We hadn't seen her out and about since late summer. Any number of things could have happened to her:  she could have been hit by a bus leaving her waxer's, she could have tripped over one of her platform shoes and conked her head on her coffee table, she could have suffocated in a tragic Wig Closet incident. The good news is, whatever kept her occupied for the last three months doesn't appear to have been fatal:

The bad news is -- tacky red lace cut-outs and the fact that this is pretty much a nightgown aside -- and comparatively speaking,  she doesn't look that bad.

Bai Ling Personality No. 8: jellyfish.

That, or she is SERIOUSLY bloated.

Well, Bai Ling is now on record as having the World's Shortest Unfugging.

She's like, "so, you think I let Personality Number 9 -- Miss Prim and Proper -- control everything now, is that what you're saying? Well, I'll show you. I'll show you all. Tonight is Punk Ballerina Tiger Killer Princess Bootsy Night! Number 12? YOU'RE UP!"

So, something is going on with Bai Ling. My suspicion is that the actual Bai Ling has been abducted by aliens and replaced with a clone. Either that, or one of her 19 personalities decided that February is the month that she keeps her lady bits delicately under wraps, because otherwise, there's just no explanation for what's been happening with the usually trashtastic Ms Ling's wardrobe.

Allow me to illustrate. This is the last thing Ms. Ling wore in January:

Business as usual right? And when I say "business," you know the business I mean. I believe it's the oldest one in the book.

But look at her February outfits!

My best friend Jennifer wore this to prom in 1993, except in green. That's not a joke. She really did. But that said, it's still pretty. And, hell, we can't see her bra, right?  So who am I to make a Kurt Cobain Is Dead And So Is Taffeta joke?

February Outfit Number 2:

Holy moley. I can't believe this one. It's actually cute. I would actually wear it.  And it's on BAI LING! BAI LING! You know, she's wearing the same shoes. I wonder if she had to escape from a housefire that destroyed all her belongings, except for those shoes, and has now been living with a friend who doesn't dress like a whore, and borrowing her clothes.

And finally, February Outfit Number 3:

The neon "Hooters" sign behind her is ironic, seeing as we haven't seen hers in a month. This is classy, sophisticated, interesting, sort of Faye Dunaway in Chinatown of her. (I can't believe I just wrote that about Bai Ling) I actually take issue with her shoes because they're too staid. What is HAPPENING in the world? Is this one of the seven signs of the Apocolypse? Is she going to ride into the next movie premiere in a swatch of silk on the back of one of the Four Horsemen?

I'm a little scared.

At this point, it's hard to be surprised by the wacky antics of Miss Bai Ling, don't you agree?

Although I do enjoy that she's wearing two belts. We all know she'd be SO EMBARRASSED if her skirt fell down and people could see any of her lady parts! No! Not her lady parts! She's so private and discreet, that Bai! She is SO CAREFUL to keep things covered! Two belts, see? Two!

What I really enjoy most about this picture though, is that the man over her right shoulder is paying NO ATTENTION to the attention whore in front of him. He's all like, "No, I have to go to the Gersh party tonight and make the rounds and then I have a screening of something at like ten -- NO, I COULDN'T GET INTO ANYTHING EARLIER, I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT -- and then I'm going to try to meet up with this girl I met on the shuttle from the airport. I think her name is Jennifer. Shit! There's some moron in front of me getting her picture taken and I almost totally wiped out trying to avoid her. I don't know who she is. Whatever, dude."

And the woman over her left shoulder is, of course, Lizzie Grubman, and Lizzie Grubman's expression says it all. It says, "wow, I can't believe I'm actually seeing this. And when I, Lizzie Grubman, who ran over a bunch of people with her car sort of kind of on purpose, although not really, but maybe a little, am mildly grossed out and alarmed by the actions of a starlet, that really sort of says something, don't you think? God, I'm kind of having a good time, though, in spite of myself. Wow, is she wearing two belts? Amazing."