Beyonce Archives

November 6, 2009

MTV European Music Awards Fug: Beyonce AND Leona Lewis

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I always speak too soon. I put up photos of people on the red carpet -- like Beyonce yesterday, and Leona today -- and then I see that they changed their clothes for the performance portion of the evening. It happens ALL THE TIME and yet I always forget. I am like Jessica Simpson with boys who are guaranteed to break her heart: I NEVER LEARN.

First up: Beyonce's stage attire.

You know, it's... well, it's Beyonce in lingerie. It's not the weirdest thing she's ever worn, nor is it particularly inspired. I guess I just wish she weren't being quite so Christina Aguilera about it all. We've been there. We've seen that. It was dirrrrty. Move along.

Leona Lewis went much bigger for her performance:

Continue reading MTV European Music Awards Fug: Beyonce AND Leona Lewis.

November 5, 2009

MTV European Music Awards Fug Carpet: Beyonce

There was a time when the sight of Beyoncce in a strapless, clingy gown with a fishtail-esque hem would've elicited an eye-roll from both of us, and a yawn, and several chants of "BORING" while we listened to The Pierces' "Boring" and scrawled the words Mrs. Beyonce BORING on our Trapper-Keepers.

And yet:

Apparently absence makes the heart grow fonder. Miss B has spent so much time wearing robot hands and leotards lately that I'm actually very pleased to see her looking so shapely and pretty here in that very eye-catching dress. I love the structure of the top. When you're a woman with hips, wearing a bodice like that with so much architectural fan detail is really risky because it could broaden you rather than flatter you but somehow -- by the grace of God and her DNA, I guess -- Beyonce is rocking it hard. I also love the full, curly hair. The whole thing, to me, works.

I mean, consider it: Not that long ago, Beyonce would've been the one showing up wearing this:

Continue reading MTV European Music Awards Fug Carpet: Beyonce.

September 14, 2009

VMAs Fug Carpet: Beyonce

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Do my eyes deceive me...

... or is Beyonce essentially wearing a high-fashion fanny pack?

August 11, 2009

Fugolange

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dialogue,
WTF

BEYONCE: Oh, Sol. You are always copying me.

SOLANGE: What?

BEYONCE: You know.

SOLANGE: Do I? Look: You look gorgeous in that dress and those shoes, and your hair has never looked better. Me? I shaved my head, I'm wearing a tank top that looks like the Tin Man sneezed on my shoulders, I'm in a pink satin diaper, and my shoes are bipolar. What EXACTLY does any of this have in common with you?

BEYONCE: Honey. You're carrying my purse, but in gold.

SOLANGE: Of course I have one. WE ARE PROMOTING THEM.

BEYONCE: A likely story, sweetpea.

SOLANGE: I hate you.

BEYONCE: I know. I'd hate me, too.

June 29, 2009

BET Awards Fug: Beyonce

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I don't know about you.

But I just found my wedding dress. I spent my girlhood dreaming of a gown that would marry -- so to speak -- the aesthetics of Barbie with the "November Rain" video, and HERE IT IS. Now I just need to find an awesome dude wearing a top hat with his hair over his face to act as best man and track down Axl Rose and we're SET.

June 29, 2009

BET Awards Fug Carpet: Beyonce

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Oh, Beyonce, you coy little mistress of mischief.

I can't be positive, but I have a sneaking suspicion that dress is secretly an abstract painting of a flamingo done entirely in oils and sequins, from Monet's lesser-known "psychic"delic period -- you know, where he'd abuse drugs in order to hallucinate the future and create things for Linda Evans to wear as blouses. They don't teach it much in art history, but trust me, it came right between his drag era and the time he gave up painting altogether to become a cobbler who specialized in turning Easter baskets into wedge sandals.

June 11, 2009

Fugsuits Galore

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My tank is almost empty, guys: I'm running out of things to say about jumpsuits. They're slowly joining leggings on my list of things about which there are fewer and fewer original ways to register my displeasure. Maybe I need a second safe word. "Altoids" is my all-encompassing word of protest about leggings (for which my objections are curiously strong, making it apt); I've yet to come up with an appropriate one for jumpsuits, though. And I'm going to need it, because they're still EVERYWHERE.

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

Leona Lewis has gone for a boobalicious genie version that makes her look squat and square and bow-legged, like someone pushed down on her head really hard until her knees buckled sideways. It's absurd enough that it makes me imagine Tyra Banks wearing it at one of her ANTM judgings, except Tyra probably would make it knee-length, because she's crazy and I think sometimes she likes looking like a really inappropriately dressed paratrooper.

Heidi Klum got into the jumpsuit action too:

Continue reading Fugsuits Galore.

May 27, 2009

Fug The Cover: Beyonce

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Marie Claire

I saw this on the newsstand while in line at the pharmacy yesterday, and felt so uncomfortable I had to avert my eyes. Not because of the outfit -- although I suppose the dress does subtract her actual figure from this equation, making her look rather straight up-and-down, and the bracelet seems like it's made from the digits of one of her robot hands:

No, instead, I just wanted Beyonce to stop STARING AT ME like that. Presumably, this choice of photo has nothing to do with pimping "317 Sexy Looks," because that particular expression on Beyonce's face is not so much sexy as stalker-manic, as if she's both crazy and deeply high on Red Bull and Mountain Dew -- which makes it deliciously amusing that the cover line about caffeine junkies is plastered just southeast of her possessed countenance. Her face looks like she's ten seconds away from stalking up to a dude in a bar and blabbering, "Hey baby, I think you're really cute, and I think we should go back to your place and I'll make you my mother's special omelet recipe tomorrow morning and then we can go to the park and pet some dogs but I'm allergic to dogs so we can't go out and buy a dog together which is FINE because we SHOULDN'T do that anyway until you've met my mother BUT SHE'S GOING TO LOVE YOU, AND THIS BAR DOESN'T SELL ESPRESSO AND OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO NEED ONE SO IF YOU DON'T HAVE AN ESPRESSO MACHINE THEN WE'LL HAVE TO REGISTER FOR ONE WHEN WE GET MARRIED, AND I DON'T BELIEVE IN GETTING HITCHED DURING FOOTBALL SEASON BUT APRIL WOULD BE A GREAT TIME SO LET'S CHECK OUR CALENDARS TONIGHT AND PICK A DATE AND WE'RE ALSO THROWING OUT ALL YOUR SHIRTS BECAUSE THEY'RE UGLY AND NO MORE NINTENDO AND COULD YOU PLEASE JUST ORDER ME A GODDAMN DIET COKE OR A CAPPUCCINO OR SOMETHING BECAUSE I WANT TO BE REEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY AWAKE TONIGHT WHEN WE CONSUMMATE OUR ENGAGEMENT!!!!!"

The above explanation ALSO could pertain to the stories about how pillow talk could land a girl in jail. All of which is unfortunate when you consider her recent movie was called Obsessed. Beyonce might want to burn all these covers before anyone discovers she and Sasha Fierce have another alter-ego sister, Bertha Nutjob.

April 24, 2009

FugSESSED

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Okay, I have a LOT to say about this:

First of all, how WRETCHED does Obsessed look? Wretched HILARIOUS. I don't know if you read the Vogue cover story on Ms Beyonce here (she looks great on the cover, actually -- well done, Conde Nasties) but whoever wrote it did not care for the movie. The whole article was peppered with comments along the lines of, "Beyonce will have a successful film career....as long as every print of Obsessed is confiscated and burned," and "Beyonce's screen presence is a potent one...although not in Obsessed, which makes Plan 9 From Outer Space look like Citizen Kane," and "Beyonce has the talent to be a wonderful actress....although not in movies like Obsessed, which she must have been convinced to do whilst under a the spell of a powerful and evil wizard." Like, they HATED IT. Which I think means it's probably awesome. I mean, have you seen the trailer? It's terrible. People are thrown off balconies and Jerry O'Connell is there. I can't wait. BUT ANYWAY: I assume the level of horribleness of this ensemble was carefully calibrated in order to match the horribleness of the movie because otherwise I just do not get it. LESS IS MORE SOMETIMES, BEYONCE. A strapless dress that is also a sequined miniskirt that also has a ruffled train is JUST TOO MUCH. Pick ruffles or minis or strapless or sequins and go with it.

On the other hand, from the neck up, you look great. So at least there's that.

February 26, 2009

Oscar Fug Carpet: Beyonce

From The Desk of Etta James:

"Sunday, Feb. 22, 2009. Afternoon. Watched Oscar red-carpet. Read in Us Weekly that Jessica Biel's stylist wanted her to start the day with a hike and a sauna; noted that lack of mention of scheduled shower time might explain her coif problems. Suspect stylist should not have said that out loud to a reporter. Saw that cow Beyonce doing her thing, waving her stupid hand, holding her stupid robot pose where her other arm doesn't touch the rest of her body. Took vitamins with shot of tequila. Nice to see that, at last, Beyonce's dress sense has not come along. HA HA. I slay me. Looks like she took a black gown and did a brass rubbing over it. Paid pizza delivery boy. Still can't fathom why that Beyonce diva is toting a tuffet around behind her. Who does she think she is, Little Miss Muffet? I wish she would Little Miss MUFFLE-It! DAMN, Etta, you are on fire tonight. If that woman sings so much as ONE LINE of my song at the Oscars, vow to throw knives at my damn wall. HATE."

"Sunday, Feb. 22, 2009. Late evening. Woke up from rage-induced coma. Now spackling holes in the wall. Plan to send disrespectful strumpet a care package of curds and whey with a tarantula in it. Must remember to water plants. Also, add arsenic to curds. Just to keep it interesting."

Beyonce

MTV European Music Awards Fug: Beyonce AND Leona Lewis

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MTV European Music Awards Fug Carpet: Beyonce

VMAs Fug Carpet: Beyonce

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Fugolange

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BET Awards Fug: Beyonce

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BET Awards Fug Carpet: Beyonce

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Fugsuits Galore

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Fug The Cover: Beyonce

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FugSESSED

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Oscar Fug Carpet: Beyonce

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