Beyonce Archives

June 29, 2009

BET Awards Fug: Beyonce

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I don't know about you.

But I just found my wedding dress. I spent my girlhood dreaming of a gown that would marry -- so to speak -- the aesthetics of Barbie with the "November Rain" video, and HERE IT IS. Now I just need to find an awesome dude wearing a top hat with his hair over his face to act as best man and track down Axl Rose and we're SET.

June 29, 2009

BET Awards Fug Carpet: Beyonce

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Oh, Beyonce, you coy little mistress of mischief.

I can't be positive, but I have a sneaking suspicion that dress is secretly an abstract painting of a flamingo done entirely in oils and sequins, from Monet's lesser-known "psychic"delic period -- you know, where he'd abuse drugs in order to hallucinate the future and create things for Linda Evans to wear as blouses. They don't teach it much in art history, but trust me, it came right between his drag era and the time he gave up painting altogether to become a cobbler who specialized in turning Easter baskets into wedge sandals.

June 11, 2009

Fugsuits Galore

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My tank is almost empty, guys: I'm running out of things to say about jumpsuits. They're slowly joining leggings on my list of things about which there are fewer and fewer original ways to register my displeasure. Maybe I need a second safe word. "Altoids" is my all-encompassing word of protest about leggings (for which my objections are curiously strong, making it apt); I've yet to come up with an appropriate one for jumpsuits, though. And I'm going to need it, because they're still EVERYWHERE.

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

Leona Lewis has gone for a boobalicious genie version that makes her look squat and square and bow-legged, like someone pushed down on her head really hard until her knees buckled sideways. It's absurd enough that it makes me imagine Tyra Banks wearing it at one of her ANTM judgings, except Tyra probably would make it knee-length, because she's crazy and I think sometimes she likes looking like a really inappropriately dressed paratrooper.

Heidi Klum got into the jumpsuit action too:

Continue reading Fugsuits Galore.

May 27, 2009

Fug The Cover: Beyonce

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Marie Claire

I saw this on the newsstand while in line at the pharmacy yesterday, and felt so uncomfortable I had to avert my eyes. Not because of the outfit -- although I suppose the dress does subtract her actual figure from this equation, making her look rather straight up-and-down, and the bracelet seems like it's made from the digits of one of her robot hands:

No, instead, I just wanted Beyonce to stop STARING AT ME like that. Presumably, this choice of photo has nothing to do with pimping "317 Sexy Looks," because that particular expression on Beyonce's face is not so much sexy as stalker-manic, as if she's both crazy and deeply high on Red Bull and Mountain Dew -- which makes it deliciously amusing that the cover line about caffeine junkies is plastered just southeast of her possessed countenance. Her face looks like she's ten seconds away from stalking up to a dude in a bar and blabbering, "Hey baby, I think you're really cute, and I think we should go back to your place and I'll make you my mother's special omelet recipe tomorrow morning and then we can go to the park and pet some dogs but I'm allergic to dogs so we can't go out and buy a dog together which is FINE because we SHOULDN'T do that anyway until you've met my mother BUT SHE'S GOING TO LOVE YOU, AND THIS BAR DOESN'T SELL ESPRESSO AND OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO NEED ONE SO IF YOU DON'T HAVE AN ESPRESSO MACHINE THEN WE'LL HAVE TO REGISTER FOR ONE WHEN WE GET MARRIED, AND I DON'T BELIEVE IN GETTING HITCHED DURING FOOTBALL SEASON BUT APRIL WOULD BE A GREAT TIME SO LET'S CHECK OUR CALENDARS TONIGHT AND PICK A DATE AND WE'RE ALSO THROWING OUT ALL YOUR SHIRTS BECAUSE THEY'RE UGLY AND NO MORE NINTENDO AND COULD YOU PLEASE JUST ORDER ME A GODDAMN DIET COKE OR A CAPPUCCINO OR SOMETHING BECAUSE I WANT TO BE REEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY AWAKE TONIGHT WHEN WE CONSUMMATE OUR ENGAGEMENT!!!!!"

The above explanation ALSO could pertain to the stories about how pillow talk could land a girl in jail. All of which is unfortunate when you consider her recent movie was called Obsessed. Beyonce might want to burn all these covers before anyone discovers she and Sasha Fierce have another alter-ego sister, Bertha Nutjob.

April 24, 2009

FugSESSED

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Okay, I have a LOT to say about this:

First of all, how WRETCHED does Obsessed look? Wretched HILARIOUS. I don't know if you read the Vogue cover story on Ms Beyonce here (she looks great on the cover, actually -- well done, Conde Nasties) but whoever wrote it did not care for the movie. The whole article was peppered with comments along the lines of, "Beyonce will have a successful film career....as long as every print of Obsessed is confiscated and burned," and "Beyonce's screen presence is a potent one...although not in Obsessed, which makes Plan 9 From Outer Space look like Citizen Kane," and "Beyonce has the talent to be a wonderful actress....although not in movies like Obsessed, which she must have been convinced to do whilst under a the spell of a powerful and evil wizard." Like, they HATED IT. Which I think means it's probably awesome. I mean, have you seen the trailer? It's terrible. People are thrown off balconies and Jerry O'Connell is there. I can't wait. BUT ANYWAY: I assume the level of horribleness of this ensemble was carefully calibrated in order to match the horribleness of the movie because otherwise I just do not get it. LESS IS MORE SOMETIMES, BEYONCE. A strapless dress that is also a sequined miniskirt that also has a ruffled train is JUST TOO MUCH. Pick ruffles or minis or strapless or sequins and go with it.

On the other hand, from the neck up, you look great. So at least there's that.

February 26, 2009

Oscar Fug Carpet: Beyonce

From The Desk of Etta James:

"Sunday, Feb. 22, 2009. Afternoon. Watched Oscar red-carpet. Read in Us Weekly that Jessica Biel's stylist wanted her to start the day with a hike and a sauna; noted that lack of mention of scheduled shower time might explain her coif problems. Suspect stylist should not have said that out loud to a reporter. Saw that cow Beyonce doing her thing, waving her stupid hand, holding her stupid robot pose where her other arm doesn't touch the rest of her body. Took vitamins with shot of tequila. Nice to see that, at last, Beyonce's dress sense has not come along. HA HA. I slay me. Looks like she took a black gown and did a brass rubbing over it. Paid pizza delivery boy. Still can't fathom why that Beyonce diva is toting a tuffet around behind her. Who does she think she is, Little Miss Muffet? I wish she would Little Miss MUFFLE-It! DAMN, Etta, you are on fire tonight. If that woman sings so much as ONE LINE of my song at the Oscars, vow to throw knives at my damn wall. HATE."

"Sunday, Feb. 22, 2009. Late evening. Woke up from rage-induced coma. Now spackling holes in the wall. Plan to send disrespectful strumpet a care package of curds and whey with a tarantula in it. Must remember to water plants. Also, add arsenic to curds. Just to keep it interesting."

December 10, 2008

Fug The Covers: Elle

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We'd gotten plenty of e-mails about Beyonce's dual Elle covers, but nothing prepared me for seeing it fly through my mail slot and land in my foyer. I might have yelped.

First, though, let's look at the newsstand cover -- the one, presumably, that Elle thinks WON'T send people running screaming to Marie Claire:

[Photo: Splash News]

This picture is fine, I guess. I'm not sure about the painful-looking art-deco napkin rings she's wearing on her left arm, and her random sash kind of jumps out at me as something you would wear if you were feeling really bloated that day and wanted some camouflage, rather than something that actually looks good out in the world as part of that outfit. Oh, and her smile reminds me of nothing so much as the triangular grins they draw onto South Park characters, which in turn reminds me that I haven't watched Woodland Critter Christmas yet this season.

Overall, it's resoundingly average. But what tickles me is that the way that, in these troubled times when all I want is positive reinforcement, Elle is reaching out and saying, "Listen. You ARE kind of a disaster. And let's face it, you probably won't get that much better. But we promise we will expend minimal effort to make you marginally less tragic." They're looking into whether there's a fat gene that may or may not make your waistline inevitable (subtext: dieting might NEVER WORK so just QUIT until you're sure), there's hairstyles they SPECIFICALLY say are for hopeless people, and the entire issue is themed as "MAKE BETTER." Not "makeover," or "make fabulous," or even "how to feel fabulous even though we're all freaking poor and waiting for the sky to fall." I would like a little optimism with my recession. Instead, it's tips for people who don't feel like putting in that much work, and are willing to reap the minute rewards of the lackluster seeds they're sowing. In short, this cover needs Prozac and maybe some caffeine.

Still, any objections I had to Beyonce's styling were quickly put to rest when the postman shoved Sasha Fierce's subscriber cover through my door. With apologies for the crappy color quality -- my scanner must have some kind of hangover -- feast on this:

Continue reading Fug The Covers: Elle.

December 3, 2008

Fugba and Knowlfugs

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They say three is a trend, so we're two-thirds of the way there with a really weird little accessory that's popped up in the past few weeks. First let's study its most recent incarnation, on the midsection of the misguidedly banged Jessica Alba:

Ignoring for a moment the giant bow on her shoulder, the shoes that kind of look like they were fashioned out of a booth at Johnny Rockets, and the fact that the overall cut is reminiscent of a badly home-sewn oven mitt, I can't quite figure out the point of all that hoo-ha at her waist. It looks like a junk drawer in an antiques store, where they toss all the stuff they can't be bothered to fix. It doesn't help that her facial expression is about as thrilled as if she actually DID accidentally glue her great aunt's jewelry box to her midriff and now has to figure out a way to sneak the dress back to the designer without having to pay to fix it. Indeed, were I a designer, I'm not sure I'd be that stoked to have her wearing my clothes, if the only facial expression she can muster says, "The only thing I cherish MORE than a root canal without anesthetic is this f'ing dress." Fix the bitchface, is what I'm saying.

Anyway, back to the belt. Beyonce Knowles did something similar earlier in the week:

Continue reading Fugba and Knowlfugs.

November 25, 2008

I Am Sasha Fug

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INTERIOR - BEYONCE'S CRANIUM - NIGHT

While on-stage at the American Music Awards, BEYONCE suddenly re-emerges in the middle of a performance by her alter-ego, SASHA FIERCE.

BEYONCE: Oh, no. NO. NOT AGAIN.

SASHA: Yes, yes, YES!

BEYONCE: Sasha, I swear to God, if you keep putting me in granny panties every time you take control...

SASHA: You'll what, B? Anything you do to me, you do to yourself.

BEYONCE: Well, what if I just pull on this here hairpiece REALLY HARD?

SASHA: Amateur.

BEYONCE: Oh I'm only just getting started, sweetpea. I refuse to look like a department-store lingerie ad. Seriously, were these on sale at Macy's? In the section that sells control-top underwear for women over 65?

SASHA: Oh, pipe down, Prudey Huxtable. Honey, why did the Lord give us inner thighs if he didn't intend for us to show them off?

BEYONCE: That doesn't even make sense. I mean it, Sasha -- keep this up and I'm going to wear pants every time I go outside.

SASHA: Then I'll wear nothing but hot pants and bras.

BEYONCE: Did I say "pants"? I meant "turtleneck jumpsuits with huge sweaters and boots and thigh-warmers."

SASHA (gasp): You wouldn't DARE.

BEYONCE: WATCH ME.

SASHA: But you said I could have half the songs on the album and do it MY WAY! JUDAS.

BEYONCE: Yes, but it's my body, Crazy Lady. So, please, keep singing. I'll just be here hanging onto this ponytail, in case you forget yourself.

SASHA: THIS ISN'T OVER, BEYONCE. I'm only just getting STARTED.

BEYONCE: We'll see about that.

SASHA: YES WE WILL.

November 7, 2008

MTV Europe Awards Fug: Beyonce

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You know what? Never mind. There is nothing wrong with this.

I mean, just because Planet Spaceball is critically short on air, it doesn't mean it can't have lounge singers.

Beyonce

BET Awards Fug: Beyonce

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BET Awards Fug Carpet: Beyonce

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Fugsuits Galore

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Fug The Cover: Beyonce

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FugSESSED

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Oscar Fug Carpet: Beyonce

Fug The Covers: Elle

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Fugba and Knowlfugs

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I Am Sasha Fug

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MTV Europe Awards Fug: Beyonce

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