Beyonce

Everybody loves a disco ball. It's a wee sphere of glee. I have a small replica of one hanging from my ceiling right now, and it always makes me want either to boogie down or put on some roller skates.

I'm going to name it "Beyonce."

Because it would have been about as flattering if she'd just poked her legs and arms through an actual disco ball and worn it on-stage. Dreamgirls is over, B. Let it die with your Oscar hopes, okay?

I've looked at this photo of Beyonce for like twenty minutes, and I can't decide if she looks crazy, or AWESOME:

Is it subtle? No. Is it restrained? No. Is it impossible to sit down in? Probably. Could this be one of the costumes from the grand finale of the Xanadu musical? (Warning: that link takes you to possibly the most mesmerizing Flash intro ever) We hope so. And yet, something about how over-the-top it is is also kind of FABULOUS. It's so....shiny. And futuristic. And weird. And ballsy. And probably really hot in the sun -- if you want to hug her, you probably have to wrap a beach towel around her waist to avoid being scalded, like how you sometimes need to use a dishrag to handle your steering wheel during a heat wave.

But this metallic extravaganza is nothing compared to what B wore to perform in:

A Scene From the Life of Beyonce:

BEYONCE: So what are you saying?

BEYONCE'S CONCERNED STAFF MEMBER:  Those pants were in your dressing room for a reason.

BEYONCE: Pants?

BCSM: We TALKED about how you weren't going to wear hot pants any more.  Remember?

BEYONCE: I would never have agreed to that. I'm the president of the American branch of the International Society for the Promotion of Short Shorts.

BCSM: I don't even think that exists.

BEYONCE: I can forward you the newsletter.

BCSM: Can you please just go change into something that doesn't make you look like you forgot to wear bottoms?

BEYONCE: I just don't think that's ever going to happen.

"Dear God, it's me, Beyonce,

I'm so grateful the Oscars are over. Having to sit there and look happy for everyone when I wasn't nominated for anything was hard. Thank you for allowing me to remain calm and collected when You Know Who won. I was scared I might lose my shit -- er, I mean, my stuff. Um, sorry about that. I was also worried that I might snap during our musical number and shove her into the orchestra pit.  So I really appreciate the fact that I did not. And thank you for her terrible gold bolero. I felt much better about myself once I saw her in that. Thank you also for these shoes, they're very cute.  And, finally, thank you for giving me the courage to wear a zip-up, hoodie-style camo gown on TRL. Not everyone could do this.  Oh, also, if you could get Solange to stop singing 'And I'm Telling You I Am Not Going' to me over breakfast, that would be awesome. Today, I shoved a bagel in her face. I hope she forgives me. Amen!"

EDDIE: Just look suave, Eddie, just look suave. If you act cool enough they won't even remember you have another one of those fat-suit movies coming out in a few weeks.

JENNIFER: Wow, my hair really DOES look good this way. And I'm so glad I chose this navy dress -- I have to say, I feel pretty hot right now.

BEYONCE: Yeah, fine, smile it up, TV bitch - let's just all remember who only held back on her singing voice because they MADE her, because she was TOO FIERCE for her role. Was it you? NO. Was it the From Justin To Kelly chick? NO. Was it that other bitch? NO. CHECK IT, hos, it was ME.

JAMIE: Man, Hudson looks fine. Almost as fine as I do, although nobody could outfox the Foxx. Miss B over there must be pissed-- she looks so Las Vegas that her dress even has its own coin slot up there. HAHAHAHAHA, oh, Foxxy, you've still got the funny, baby!

JENNIFER: I hope Beyonce isn't mad at me.

BEYONCE: No, I'm serious, hos, are you checking it? You'd BEST. Because I can't believe I am playing second fiddle to some bitch Paula Abdul dug up out of obscurity. Seriously. The claws are coming OUT. And so is her HAIR.

JENNIFER: I also hope Beyonce doesn't try and pull out my hair. She keeps accidentally touching it and she looks kind of like she's plotting something. I can't help it that I have a great stylist and she just has her mother. I didn't do that to her.

BEYONCE: It is ALL HER FAULT that I didn't win. Lady, I could sing circles around your ass, and Simon Cowell would CRY and Randy Jackson would be all, "You're doing your thing, dog, and that thing is KICKING SERIOUS ASS," and Paula would go, "If I ordered a pizza right now they'd deliver it to Montana because that was so good you almost made me want to eat some mascara and there are rainbows here and where am I? Are you my mother?" ...

EDDIE: I wonder if they'll burn the print of my next movie if I pay them enough money.

BEYONCE: ...and then Simon would be all, "What Paula is trying to say is that you are perfection, and you're the best there has ever been and I don't need to see any more," and then they'd CANCEL THE SHOW because there was no way they could do better and THAT is how I would WIN American Idol, you sad little runner-up, you.

EDDIE: No, really. I don't want to be all Queen Latifah here, winning a major award and then having a craptravaganza like Taxi coming out right afterward. But at least I look smooth. What the hell was Beyonce thinking? If we hang her from the ballroom ceiling they can turn off all the other lights and have a real cheap electric bill.

JENNIFER: Oh, well, I'll just try not to think about Beyonce. After all, I've never felt this good about myself in my life. Seriously, I think I deserve to be very proud of myself.

BEYONCE: Ohh, yes, just get ready, you humble little trophy hound, you. It's COMING.

JAMIE: DANG, bitches, I'm glad I took my shades off -- I'll get a better view of the catfight this way. Come on, let's see some clawing and spanking. Y'all can mess up my tux if it means I see some girl-on-girl without having to go back to my hotel room first. Let's get it ON.

JENNIFER: Although... I really should remember to get that restraining order ready.

Now that I've waded through my year-end supply of gossip magazines with Best and Worst lists galore, I'm compelled to put up another dress here that I ignored the first time around.

Beyonce Knowles' lacy blue gown from the L.A. Dreamgirls premiere got just about everyone's "Best" vote this year, and although I can sort of see people's logic in saying that, as a woman I can't get over one very massive mental hurdle with this gown.

And that is: Aren't her breasts about to pop out of that thing?

Well, actually, I also think all the lace is overly fussy and that the see-through quality of the dress has it walking a very delicate line between "sexy" and "I'm meeting you in the elephant at the Moulin Rouge to sex you into giving our nightclub lots of money." But mostly, I can't look at this dress without wondering how she is able to walk around in it without constantly checking on whether her nipples are saluting the flashbulbs, and also, how many pounds of boob tape she's employing in order to give her the freedom to shimmy.

Am I wrong? Look -- is that the top of a nipple, or a circle of tape over there on the right? Or just a dent? If it's tape, it hardly seems like enough to keep those under wraps. How is she moving freely? How is she comfortable? Did she just want them pushed up high enough to rest a drink upon, or has she really not noticed their precarious and somewhat pancaked state?

Now, I do understand that for a lot of people, the very promise of a one- or two-gun salute may be precisely why this is a "Best Dress" contender. But as a girl who loves gowns, all I can see is a bodice that looks in serious danger of  making her mother cry. Does she want to make her mother cry? Is that her revenge for all those years of hot pants? Wow. Admirable cunning, Beyonce, if it's true -- who could blame you? She REALLY kind of has it coming, when you think of it in those terms -- but you might want to consider orchestrating a less X-rated trauma. Becuse "What Would Tara Reid Do?" is not a viable mantra.

Sometimes, Beyonce Knowles gets it right; other times, she's maddeningly wrong. But it's not often that she hits both notes in one day. At one location.

Exhibit A: The Good.

Aside from the fact that she and Miss Tyra Banks could have a seriously fierce weave-off -- the likes of which could, nay WOULD, change the meaning of life for us all -- Beyonce looks quite pretty. We love that she has a normal body and love it even more when she drapes it well. Here, she's a gentle hourglass.

And now for something completely different.

Jamie Foxx:   Don't touch me when you're wearing something you stole from My Size Barbie. You're totally harshing my cool.

Beyonce: I have to touch you, Jamie. If I move my arm at all, my boob will pop out. I can't have my boob pop out on Oprah.

Jamie Foxx: Didn't I see that outfit at Stars on Ice? Tara Lipinski was playing a tulip.

Beyonce:  Seriously,  Jamie. Don't move a muscle.  You're the only thing standing between me and endless humilation on YouTube.

Jamie Foxx:  Sorry, kid. That's what you get when you come out dressed like one of the cocktail waitresses at Disneyland's Tomorrowland Stage. Speaking of, can you bring me a g & t?

From the files of Ned Sofanegra, WHEE! Online gossip columnist:

"While on a hot-n-sticky road trip to the steamim' hot Big Snapple, I saw scrumptious-bumtious Beyonce on the streets and couldn't resist stoppin' to tawk it up with the deelish Dreamgirl. Such a slurpy delight!

'Your hair reminds me of Whitney Houston in the early 90s,' sez I. 'So tell me, would you rather have sex with Whitney then, or Whitney now?'

Miz Thang just looked at me like I was kee-razy, and not in the "love" sense she crooned about a few summers back. Me, I think even slim-trim sex-aaaay Beyoncealicious would snap skinny Whit like a twig! But I pressed on -- gotta gobble up the diva dish and lick the plate clean!

'So sorry to see a dog tried to eat your crotch -- thank God he only got away with half the dress!' I cooed at my fave bootied beauty. 'Which makes me wonder, which animal would you want to be mauled by: Paris Hilton's ferret, George Clooney's pet pig, or Colin Farrell?'

This is when her bodyguards, big burly hunks of chunky funk, hustled Lady B and her boots of shame inside. No answer today. Which do you think? Me, I'd take option C, but sumthin' tells me that La Knowles knows her bread's buttered down near option Z, if you get my rappin' drift."

What the hell is Beyonce wearing?

I'll grant that Beyonce is so far the only person for whom boho-chic has been a blessing, because it has purged her stylist-mother's mind of hot pants, but... seriously, what is wrong with Tina Knowles? Did someone buy her a subscription to National Geographic? The other two look relatively normal, and then Miss B up on the right is clad in a pattern and color scheme that is probably in the running for a redesign of the seat covers on Southwest Airlines jets. Not to mention the incredibly helpful belt that is hanging limply around her waist, useless as a meatball sub on Nicole Richie's kitchen counter.