Britney Spears

Oh my god, hey y'all! What's up?


[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

I hope y'all have a full Slurpee because I have got A LOT to talk to y'all about and I don't have any time for y'all to get up and get a snack, like the last time I was talking to my mama about how Ed Morocco (or whatever the Sam Hill that tan man's name is over at E!) has been saying that Justin and Lucy from 7th Heaven are FINALLY breaking up and now we can seriously finally be together again -- like can you imagine the hilarious sequel we could do to "Dick in a Box"? I'm gonna entitle it "Arm in a Handbag" -- and she just stood up and said she needed a drink and she never came back, which I thought was really rude.

So anyway yeah I'm working on "Arm in a Handbag"  and I was going to call it, "Head in a Backpack," but Jamie Lynn said that was creepy and she says she should know since she's taking some dumb class on criminal psychology from the University of Phoenix because she says she needs to have an "actual job like a normal person" and I don't know why she always makes those little finger air marks and gives me a dirty look when she says that but whatever. She's been so crabby since that pipe layer knocked her up and I keep telling her what she ought to do is get REAL FAT and then go on The Celebrity Fit Club and then we made some mean jokes about Kevin that I won't illiterate here because they're not very nice and he is the father of my three children or however many I have.

I'M JUST KIDDING Y'ALL. I know I only have two babies, I'm not CRAZY anymore. Can't you tell from my outfit? This is CLASSIC BRITNEY SPEARS NORMAL Y'ALL! Cut-offs? Check! Belly-shirt? CHECK. Visible bra? CHECK. Stumpy UGG boots in 150 degree heat? CHECK. Messy blonde ponytail? CHECK. The only thing missing is a belly ring and a snake, am I right?! I am serious, y'all, if someone hit you over the head with a Crockpot and you woke up next to the computer and this picture was the first thing you saw you would totally think you'd been awokened in 2004 which just happens to be the year I released my Emmy-winning hit single "Toxic" which I think everyone knows is awesome. COINCIDENCE? You be the umpire.

Yeah, so even though when I left the house to go to Target to get tube socks wearing this outfit my Daddy like sighed real deep and said something about trouble, I think we can all agree that actually what this look means is that everything is going to be TOTALLY FINE because I could not be feeling more like myself! HOW MUCH LIKE ME DO I LOOK? I'm like a Halloween costume of myself I look so much like me. And it feels seriously awesome so I can only quote that sweet little curly-haired girl in Clueless and tell you that I hope me looking like me doesn't happen sporadically.

ANYWAY. Thanks for listening and I know you love the cut-offs so YOU'RE WELCOME and now I have to get back to work on "Arm in a Handbag." YOU KNOW WHO IS GOING TO LOVE IT although I might send him "Head in a Backpack" TOO because it is honestly catchy and Jamie Lynn is seriously quite dumb, you guys.

DON'T BE ESTRANGED!

xoxo

Britney

"OhMYGODY'ALL.



HI! HI! HI AGAIN! It's been like a thousand years or whatever  I guess I haven't felt like correspondering very much because I had a lot of stuff happening in my life that I was in denial about, is what my therapist says. I was like, how can you be in denial about how you cracked up and shaved your own head because like every time I looked in the mirror last year I was all, "why did I shave my own head?" Let's be honest, like Dr Phil always says: that was stupid. But SHE says Dr Phil isn't even really a doctor which makes me wonder if maybe she can't read? Because it's right there in his name. But lots of people can't read so it's not a big deal. Anyway, SHE says the head-shaving thing was just a symptom of something or something. I don't know. Sometimes when she talks I just look out the window and think about those bottled frappuccinos. ANYWAYS, yesterday morning I decided it would probably be good for me to get out of the house because honestly like all I do is sit by the pool and try and keep Sean P from eating my cigarette butts, like EVERY DAY and I just get really BORED, y'all. LIKE REALLY BORED. I mean, I guess I was on tour because my Dad's Slurpee shack isn't going to keep him in the manner to which he has become accustomed, which is what he keeps telling me when I complain about how bored I am under his RAIN OF TERROR but dude I totally don't even know that that means. But anyway being on tour is just like prancing around for an hour and hiding from Pussycat Dolls because they always want to TELL ME THINGS like why do they think we are friends? I can't even tell them apart. I don't even know if there are seven or eight of them? Could someone please email me and tell me once and for ever how many Pussycat Dolls there are? I'm still at SweetCheetosLover4eva27@aol.com. Thanks.

And ALSO tour is boring because the whole time I'm on tour I have to spend ALL THIS TIME pretending I care about my back-up dancers' love lives or whatever because they are ALWAYS talking to me about how I should know what it's like to be dating a back-up dancer and the funny thing is, you guys, I had these conversations with them for like SIX MONTHS until I even remembered that KEVIN used to be a back-up dancer because right now he looks like he's a back-up competitive eater OH NO I DIDN'T. But for real y'all, he has gotten really big and I swear to god if I put on that kind of weight US Weekly would be FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW. Like REALLY FREAKING OUT and instead they're just like, "Chunky is Hunky" about him and it's totally unfair y'all. Sexism IS wrong! I wish someone would have explained that better before. But whatever: ever since I started dating my agent, Kevin is NOT MY PROBLEM which is what my agent keeps telling me but I noticed he has never said that about Justin so between you and me, Justin still IS my problem and I plan to solve that problem this YEAR if you know what I mean, so watch out Jessica Biel is what I mean.

So I decided to go to the Teen Choice Whatevers and really show all these new girls that like seriously they are so not as awesome as I was when I was a Teen Choice. Has Selena Gomarciaparra ever danced with a SNAKE? NO. Has that girl on that dumb show about teen pregnancy ever actually BEEN TEEN PREGNANT? NO. Has the one in the vampire thing ever made out with MADONNA? NO. Although actually I think Madonna kind of might be a vampire now that I think about it.  And yeah maybe I totally rushed over there because I decided to go show them how awesome I still am like ten minutes before the show started and I kind of ended up walking there because it's a long story but I have this problem with my driver's license STILL and so maybe when I showed up my weave looked kind of ratty BECAUSE I WALKED THERE and also I forgot to bring my purse and I had to do the "Oops I Did It Again" dance for security before they believed it was me so I look sort of sweaty but COME ON:

1) I have hair
2) I'm not in rehab
3) My dress was bought at FULL PRICE at Charlotte Russe
AND 4)  I am WAY MORE AWESOME than these other people and I think I just PROVED IT. IT'S STILL BRITNEY, BITCHES!

TTYL because I totally still have to tell you this crazy thing that happened the other night when I had a fight with one of the Pussycat people about who was better at putting her leg over her head. WE HAVE SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON, Y'ALL

LOVE,
BRITNEY

"Look, y'all! I totally didn't die! Don't lie: I KNOW you know you know I know you thought I was gonna buy the farm that time I shaved my head and hit that SUV with the umbrella, but truth is, I was just acting out, y'all. I feel like I sang "Lucky" over and over and over and over and over again and NO ONE HEARD the part where I was talking about how I cried cried cried in my lonely heart and if there was nothing in my yadda yadda why did the tears etc? That was the MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THAT SONG, PEOPLE. AND NO ONE LISTENED. Ergo my incarceration and stuff. ANYHOODLE, I'm out now and let's get right to the point: I look GOOD again. My dad doesn't let me eat anything white and, sure, there are days when I think about those Melendez brothers or whatever their names are and I totally understand why they killed their parents but in the long rung, I am pretty sure he's right that I'm happier with six-pack abs. And now I'm back on magazines again and they're not all like, "BRITNEY: WHAT WENT WRONG" or "BRITNEY: CAN YOU LISTEN TO HER MEGAMIX WHILE DOING CARDIO WITHOUT FEELING REAL BAD ABOUT IT?" or whatever and boy am I relieved about that because everyone acting like I was going to kick it was totally embarrassing. Now I get to be all strong and have comebacks and be the underdog and stuff and everyone knows that's a way better story than someone who never had any problems in their life ever, JUSTIN. So anyway, I think I look awesome on this cover and my weave is fantastic for once unlike some people who have really bad highlights but think they're better than me just because they never hit anyone with their car, to which I say, WAIT TEN MINUTES JAMIE LYNN BECAUSE YOU ARE SOOOO GOING TO WANT TO HIT WHATHISNAME YOUR BABY DADDY WITH YOUR CAR. You just are. Anyway, I like I look great, but apparently some people disagree, so I say we put it to a vote as America is a civil union, or something like that:"

Want to feel OLD? Apparently yesterday was the 10th anniversary of "...Baby One More Time." (And now you'll be humming that all day.) I know. I feel like it was only yesterday that I was prancing around my bedroom singing along into my hair brush. So, to celebrate, we were asked to write a piece for Britney's new official website about her iconic Catholic school girl look:

"The video also features a posse of dudes in neckties and Dockers, hilariously leaping, twirling, and pointing skyward, and yet NOBODY remembers that. Instead, with one glimpse of Brit's bare midriff between that crisp white shirt and her pleated skirt, a million Halloween costumes were born."

Let's be honest, girls: While I'm sure many of our readers only ever go out costumed as Marie Curie or Ruth Bader Ginsburg for Halloween (and, honestly, I would like to see pictures of both, because that sounds awesome), there are just as many of us who -- when faced with forty-five minutes after work to throw something cute together for a party -- have just shrugged and pulled out Ye Olde Plaide Skirte in a moment of laziness. After all, when you are not skanky of soul, occasionally it is amusing to be skanky of dress. Even if it is kind of...okay, not the most subtle look ever conceived. But in this time of carved pumpkins and mini candy bars, who knew we had so much to thank Britney for? Let's give the girl a little credit for giving the knee socks industry that much needed boost, after all.

If you so desire, you can read the rest of the piece here. Or not. Whatever. We'd never tell you what to do. Especially on a Friday.

OH. MY. GOD. Y'ALL. Where have I been for the last year or whatever?

Y'all.

Um! Look. I don't know WHY y'all are all acting all WORKED UP every time I leave the house, but I was taught that just because things are going all backasswards in your life like when OLD FAT JUDGES decide that just because you can't always tell your kids apart maybe you should stop doing drugs, it doesn't mean you're not allowed to dress up like a P-I-M-P and get your drink on, okay? I saw on Judge Joe Brown yesterday that it's NORMAL for people to use ALCOHOL to solve their problems so why don't all y'all just LEAVE ME ALONE. But take my picture first.

Whatever the opposite of LOVE is,

BRITNEY.

Psssssst. Hey, you alls. Come over here.

[Photo: infdaily.com]

Shhhh. Be very quiet. I'm not supposed to be talking to anyone because "my downward spiral is too depressing." I don't know how that's possible since I don't even have a spiral perm but whatever. The people who post up these letter thingies on the internets think I don't hear them when they call me "Princess Tragedy Trainwreck" behind my back, but I have ears just like the walls do IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Anyway. I know people are all oh my god she's a terrible mother and a really bad driver and we totally miss her snake and I am here to tell you that that snake was totally a pain in the ass so you should get over that part of it right now. All the rest of it will work out just fine if all y'all would just CHILL and OPEN YOUR EYES and see that I am WEARING SHOES IN THIS HERE BATHROOM. God. And people (MOM) say I don't ever listen to anybody's advice.

LOVE,

It's MISS BRITNEY BITCH because you are nasty.

Hi y'all.

I don't EVEN KNOW. I mean, seriously, y'all, sometimes I wake up in the morning and it's like 3:30 and the new nanny is watching Oprah and and the kids are running around and screaming and wanting things from me and I just think, "DAMN, BRITNEY. What have you gotten yourself IN TO NOW?"

[Photo: infdaily.com]

Because I really thought that when I divorced Kevin, Justin would come back in and marry me or maybe Colin Farrell or somebody else with an accent and then we'd run off to Gulfport or wherever and he'd spend all day combing my hair and Sean P and the other one would bring me Popsicles and we'd all be so happy but instead I ended up shaving my head and then some other stuff happened that I don't totally remember but I'm pretty sure most of it was my mama's fault, like I never would have done that whole thing with OK Magazine if she had LOVED ME MORE or something. I'm pretty sure I read that in a magazine right next to a story about how I am having a lesbian affair with my assistant which is TOTALLY UNFAIR because that only lasted like three weeks. And then people started making this whole big deal about how I wanted to whiten Sean P's teeth like they never looked at their baby's teeth and wondered why they looked so yellow or forgot to change their diapers. I am a WORKING MOTHER, Y'ALL. It's NOT EASY keeping up APPEARANCES and taking care of A BABY. Two babies. However many babies. And my face is my FORTUNE, Y'ALL. I am an ENTERTAINER. I have to go out and BE ENTERTAINING and I think I am A SUCCESS. For serious, have you seen how many people take my picture every night? It's because I am HOT.

For serious, I am WORKING SO HARD to make a life for me and my family of however many kids it is and all I hear is BLAH BLAH BLAH LOOK AT HER HAIR. WHERE ARE HER PANTS? WHY DOES SHE WEAR THOSE ILL-FITTING CHEAP-LOOKING UNFLATTERING BROWN BOOTS ALL OVER THE PLACE? ISN'T THAT A SHIRT AND NOT A DRESS? BLAAAAAH. I just want all y'all to SHUT UP. I MEAN it. If I want to have a lesbian affair with one of my employees and get drunk in front of my kids and pay my neighbor fifty bucks to Google "baby plastic surgery" for me so no one finds out that I'm thinking about getting the little one a chin implant THAT'S MY BUSINESS.  And so what if everyone finds out that Kevin used to grind up my medication and hide it in my milkshakes and that's why I didn't used to act quite as crazy? Does that make him some kind of HERO? Just because he gives the kids CARROT STICK THINGS instead of NUGGETS? Kids LOVE nuggets! Everyone knows that! Do I have to write a book? Maybe I will write a book. I'll write a book called KIDS LOVE NUGGETS by Britney Lynne Spears or whatever my middle name is and it'll be a hit just like Harry Potter and THEN WON'T EVERYONE BE SORRY THEY TRIED TO MAKE ME QUIT DRINKING. HA!

Suck on it, toolsheds. YEAH, I MEAN YOU.

Britney

Hey y'all.

So, yeah. It's been a while, right? I've been....busy. You know, with some stuff. Boring stuff where I had to make my own bed and talk about all my PROBLEMS and whatever, while I think we all know that my biggest problem rhymed with BEVIN KEDERFINE.  And now everyone likes him or something, just because he was all taking care of the babies while I tried to beat him with an umbrella which IS NOT THAT BIG A DEAL. Anyway. I'm out and about again, THANK GOD:

WHAT? Like you haven't ever SPILLED on a WHITE SHIRT? What's with all the JUDGING? Frankly, I think y'all should just be happy that I am ALIVE. Because for a while there, people seemed to be wondering if I WOULDN'T BE and there was all this "wah wah, I'll never be able to work out to 'Toxic' again if she dies" and now that I'm not dead it's like some big deal if I don't have a BRA ON or something. You all need to admit that you are powerless over if I wear underwear or not and make a fearless and searching moral inventory of YOUR OWN SELVES and LEAVE ME ALONE and just be glad that I look happy and sorta toned.  Go bug Jamie Lynn or something.

Whatever. I still hate everyone.

Love,

BRITNEY!

"Hi y'all! It's been ages since I've been out and about, allowing myself to be seen. It's been kind of an awkward year. For a while there I was mostly hiding behind bushes, or running upstairs and slamming the door and locking it and turning up my Fall Out Boy CD really loudly to drown out the sounds of my sister banging on it and yelling at me to braid her hair, or rip out her hair, or try getting a brush through her hair, or wash her hair, or tell her she had pretty hair -- or toward the end, lotion up her scalp. I tried to be there for her, because I love her, but sometimes, a girl's just gotta hide under the bed with her BlackBerry and her stuffed dog Mr. Muffins. Right?

"Still, I'm here, and I'm doing swell! I'm a little overtanned -- all that time under the bed made me a little pasty, and I got overexcited when I snuck out to buy bronzer -- but otherwise, really, I look pretty great. Or at least that's what everyone keeps telling me. Well, okay, Britney didn't say that; she asked me to spot her $20 and then told me my shoes could fetch a nice price on eBay if I never wore them again. But my brother saw me and burst into tears and said something like, "It's a miracle" and muttered words like "normal" and "dodge" and "bullet" into my shoulder while he was sobbing on it, and my mother didn't say anything, but while she was locking my chastity belt's bonus padlock, she looked really relieved and proud for a second. In fact, I'm getting a lot of that -- people keep squeezing me on the shoulder, or hugging me extra tight, and telling me how clean I look as they wipe the tears out of their eyes. I'm not sure why they're so emotional, although apparently Hilary Duff's new album is really raw so maybe they were just listening to that on their iPods. I can't wait to put out an album. Mom said I could become a singer on the 10th of Never, but then B came in and threw a vase at her and then tried to light her copy of Crossroads on fire, so I never got to sit down and ask her when that is, but I think it's, like, Roman for "November," which... AWESOME! I had better get writing! Get ready, y'all!"