Will & Jada Archives

January 6, 2009

Well Played, Rosario Dawson

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dialogue,
purple

WILL: You. Are. FINE.

ROSARIO: Thanks, Will.

WILL: I don't let just anyone stand next to me, you know. I am a dapper cat. I need someone who can hold their own against the heat of my charm and suavitude. I mean, paisley? Could anyone else wear paisley? No. But I am WORKING this paisley. I have given this paisley a sensual massage and now we've moved on to champagne and strawberries and edible panties.

ROSARIO: Sure! It's true that you're very smooth, Will. I'm happy to be here with you.

WILL: But damn, Rosario, I'm serious here -- you glow. If I weren't already in a happy heterosexual marriage and equal partnership that is indestructible against the force of any human foibles, I would be all OVER you. I mean, in that dress, you look like a bridesmaid, a bit. But in a HOT way. It WORKS. You're the sexy-ass bridesmaid at the wedding that all the groomsmen decide they're going to try and hook up with after the reception, but none of them do because I get there first and woo you with sensitive conversation, sharp wit, and my mad love skills.

ROSARIO: Thanks! You are good for my ego.

WILL: I KNOW how to stroke an ego, baby. I am the master of romance. I will pour scented oil on that ego and light candles and then....

ROSARIO: Yeah, yeah, I get it, you're the man, you'll massage it and then there's champagne and panties. Noted. Now can we go inside and get this show on the road?

WILL: Not until we get one more picture of this hot love triangle between you, me, and my paisley. The world needs to SEE how it's DONE. YOUR MOVE, BECKHAM. I dare you to pull this off, boy.

ROSARIO: This is going to be a long night.

October 7, 2008

Fug or Fab: Jada Pinkett Smith

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bad hair,
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JADA PINKETT SMITH: Hey, La. Can I talk to you about something?

QUEEN LATIFAH: Sure! Is it how pleased you were to see me on Saturday Night Live this past week?

JPS: No....

QL: Is it how cute my hair looks like this?

JPS: Not exactly....

QL: Is it that you like my dress? I like yours, too! We look great! Let's go harass Will until he does his imitation of the Carlton dance for us!

JPS: No, it's about MY hair.

QL: What about...oh. The bangs?

JPS: Yeah.

QL: Hmm.

JPS: I know.

QL: Let's put it to a poll:

poll by twiigs.com

September 12, 2008

The Wofug

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I saw Jada Pinkett Smith on the Today Show some time this week and turned and said to Heather, "Damn! Jada looks GOOD." And she did. She looked like a 22 year old who'd just gotten back from six weeks at a spa.

So riddle me this, Batman: why is she wearing a cupcake liner as a top?

August 22, 2008

Fugcock

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Oh, these two crazy kids. I'm sure this is actually just another run-of-the-mill promotional appearance, in which Will Smith talks about being good-looking and having lots of sex with Jada, and Charlize Theron laughs riotously along with him as if she's never ONCE wondered whether any those closeted-dudes-and-the-beards-who-cloak-them Blind Items apply to the Smiths.

But it sure looks like maybe they're doing an infomercial together for an amazing new flesh-toned bandage that lets you strap shoes to your feet that are actually at least a half-size too large. And that while Charlize appears to be enjoying their on-air camaraderie, she secretly loathes him, and is undermining him to the audience by deliberately using her microphone in a series of lewd or lurid gestures. This one says simply, "Ha ha ha, yeah, laugh it up, wanker, I'm going to put paint thinner in your cornflakes. Also, my feet f'ing HURT."

July 1, 2008

Well Played, The Smiths

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dialogue,
green

WILL: God DAMN, we are hot.

JADA: Hell yeah, baby.

WILL: We are the wickedest couple in the history of badassitude.

JADA: Not to mention dappertasticness.

WILL: And slickocity.

JADA: Sexification!

WILL: Jiggyificence!

JADA: Brangelina WHO?

WILL: TomKat WHAT?

JADA: Asslete? NICE TRY.

WILL: Davitoria Spiceham? I THINK NOT.

JADA: DAMN RIGHT.

WILL: Get back to me when THEY own July 4.

JADA: They would have to buy it off you for $100 million.

WILL: This town is OURS.

JADA: We are FINE.

WILL: Drink it in, Hollywood, because you are about to go on the 21-Day Smith Cleanse!

JADA: Next up: taking over the Hollywood Bowl with my band!

WILL: ... Okay, let's not talk crazy, now. Maybe let's just keep looking fly.

JADA: Oh yeah? Well, just remember who classes up your plaid ass.

WILL: Brad Pitt wears vests that match his suit.

JADA: And how did THAT go for him?

WILL: Point taken. Game, set, and match to my lady.

JADA: Damn skippy.

September 18, 2007

The Fugtrix

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polls

Until I looked her up on IMDb, I had totally forgotten that Jada Pinkett Smith was in The Matrix movies. Now, it seems like she's living in an entirely different alternate reality, wherein it's 1983 and she's heading out to party with Jem and the Holograms.

And in that alternate universe, this outfit ROCKS. In this one, though, I'm not so sure.

polls by twiigs.com...

July 23, 2007

Bend It Like Fugham

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dialogue

TOM CRUISE: IT'S GOOD TO BE TOM CRUISE!

KATIE HOLMES: I am a tall drink of water, aren't I? Suck on these heels, Tom.

POSH: What is Jada WEARING?

BECKS: These people all make me a little uneasy.

JADA PINKETT SMITH: I look JUST like Posh. Short black dress, loads of boobs, sore expression. I'm awesome.

WILL SMITH: This party is OFF THE HOOK! I wonder if the DJ will play "Willennium" if I ask.

TOM: I'M THE KING OF HOLLYWOOD. I don't even care that Katie threw out the lifts in these shoes. That's right, America. THE CRUISES THROW A TOTALLY BOSS PAR-TAY!

KATIE: I don't care what anyone says. I like this haircut, and I'm going to keep it. I can do whatever I want. I control me.

POSH: Is Jada....she's not trying to look like me, is she? She didn't think this was a Posh and Becks themed fancy dress party, did she? This is awkward. Also, I'm hungry.

BECKS: I think Jada's nipple might be popping out of that pillowcase she's wearing. I better look...over there. And think about something else. Like my muscular, manly thighs.

JADA: Is my nipple popping out? Would Victoria check to see if her nipple was popping out? I don't think so. Keep your bitchface on, Jada.

WILL: I'm glad I wore my dancing shoes. Wait until I have the DJ play "Getting Jiggy Wit' It." I WILL be gettin' jiggy wit' it. I can't wait to ditch the rest of these weirdos and have some fun. Although I bet Becks can dance. Look at those legs.

November 3, 2004

Jada Fuggett Smith

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crotchtacular

This dress is nice, albeit in a very Lil' Kim Goes To The Oscars kind of way. But my chief concern is that we are a light breeze -- or a sneeze -- away from learning just how good Jada's bikini waxer is. And dresses with a public pubic element to them never really float my love boat.

August 20, 2004

Fug Star: Celebrities Who Think They're Musical

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Apparently, if you are famous and considered gifted at something, it's common to think you're therefore good at everything. That is why we think so many celebrities start their own bands.

It was endearing and quirky when Kevin Bacon did it. It was low-key when Keanu Reeves did it. And it was embarrassing when Russell Crowe, Bruce Willis, and Matthew McConaughey did it -- although to be fair, the latter was just in his house at a party, nude and high and banging the bongos [note: not a euphemism]. But we bet he was still pretty embarrassed, if only because he was arrested for it.

Now, a rash of female celebs have decided they're rock stars, and have apparently decided to dress the part -- which is to say, as if they are blind.

Consider Jada Pinkett-Smith:

[Photo: Splash News]

Now, I'll give Jada that she looks comfortable. But I don't think someone who is approximately four-foot-six should be wearing loose-fit jeans and a tie-dyed pashmina-type item that looks to be about as tall as she is. Still, her problems are relatively minor compared to Juliette Lewis:

Juliette: You are not rock's answer to Wonder Woman. You should not wear a capri-length jumpsuit with red accents and matching crimson boots. Once you've crossed into that territory, it doesn't matter if you can sing. It doesn't matter if your lyrics are the most heartfelt expression of human emotion since Jewel so memorably crooned, "My hands are small, I know," or Bryan Adams pondered so seriously, "Have you ever really, really really really, for reals, yo, really, no I mean it, REALLY, like, totally really, loved a woman?" It doesn't even matter if people in the crowd appear to be enjoying themselves. Your actual level of talent is MOOT when you are parading around in a costume they tossed off the Thunderbirds set for being too cheap-looking. Steven Tyler is allowed to try things. Hair bands from the 1980s are allowed to do whatever they want. But you, Juliette, are not allowed to wear that.

By the way, that's a remarkable pit stain. Maybe next time you decide to thrash on a hot stage, you shouldn't wear full-body spandex, or... whatever that godawful substance is. And while you're at it, pose carefully, because that position makes it look like you're wearing a man's protective cup over your Triangle, if you know what I mean, and I think that you do, because it's very clear that I'm talking about your vagina and the lumpy, extra-dark quality that particular nether-part takes on in this costume.

Off-topic: Every time I look at her face in this photo, my first thought is, "Did Stockard Channing give birth to this woman?"

Will & Jada

Well Played, Rosario Dawson

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Fug or Fab: Jada Pinkett Smith

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The Wofug

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Fugcock

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Well Played, The Smiths

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The Fugtrix

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Bend It Like Fugham

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Jada Fuggett Smith

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Fug Star: Celebrities Who Think They're Musical

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