It's like formal wear for prisoners in an old-timey movie about lady chain gangs. All she needs is a ball and chain and a sob story.
It's like Nicollette Sheridan took my scolding of Goldie Hawn for going out in her robe and decided to show me what a REAL ROBE looks like:
Remember when everyone had one of these? In like 1998? My college roommate Jen's boyfriend Dave used to refer to hers as her "swobe" -- her "sweater robe" -- and every time she swept into the room wearing it, he'd say something like, "AWESOME SWOBE," and we girls would roll our eyes, but eventually, of course, we all referred to it as a "swobe," leading to comments like, "GOD, have you seen my swobe? It's FREEZING IN HERE," and "JEN! Your swobe is caught in the car door!" and "Can I get away with wearing my swobe to the library three days in a row? Screw it, it's finals week!"
But Nicollette's swobe goes above and beyond the normal qualities of swobedom. It's like Extreme Swobe. It's not even a swobe, as much as it is a sweater crossed with a monk's habits. It's a Swabit. And while I'm sure having a swabit around is really helpful if you lead the kind of life where, say, you find yourself having to sneak into the local monastery in order to steal some kind of mystical artifact for the CIA or something, it doesn't really have a place on the red carpet.
"Okay," Nicollette Sheridan is thinking. "So, I'm in this movie, and it's terrible, and already no one can figure out what Lucy Liu and I are doing in it -- hell, I don't even know what we're doing in it. I'm just glad Boltie didn't record a theme song for it or else I'd have to hear it in the shower EVERY DAMN MORNING. But seriously, why the hell did I even show up? God, I'd rather be anywhere. I'd rather be at a Knots Landing reunion. I'd rather be at a Paper Dolls party where I'm reunited with John Waite in celebration of the storyline where my character fell in love with him and tried to run away with him, only to have my meddling mother Brenda Vaccaro intervene and make him leave without me; at least then I could catch up with the mom from ALF and see whether she's stopped crying about that whole era yet. God, I'd even rather be at a party for that episode of Becker I was in -- YES, I was in an episode of BECKER, don't JUDGE me; a LOT of people were in that show.
"So... shit, is it too late? It might be. Do I really want to be this closely tied to this thing? What can I do, what can I do... what can I do that might make me less recognizable...
Aside from the faint halter-top tan, Nicolette Sheridan looks bangin' in the black part of this dress...
... but the satin blinds she's sewn to the bottom are thorougly confusing to me. Fashion and interior design need never mate. Unless she's trying to confuse a free-roaming, hot, and charmingly dim cabana boy into coming over to what he thinks is a woman strapped to a deck chair, so that he might rub oil on her back before... skimming her water.
This just in: Nicollette Sheridan has actually been transformed into a Barbie doll.
Note the telltale sheen between her preternaturally perky and unmoving breasts! The overly-lined eyes! The long, plastic blonde hair! The frozen facial muscles! The By Bob Mackie For Mattel dress! Frankly, it's all just a bit unseemly and embarassing.
Nicolette, we need to talk. Listen, lady, I hate to break it to you, but you're the least interesting part of an ensemble cast. Desperate Housewives' success depends not at all on the efforts of the first Mrs. Harry Hamlin. (Or the second Mrs Harry Hamlin, thank goodness. Or even Harry Hamlin.) You see, my dear, I know Marcia Cross, and you, Nicolette Sheridan, are no Marcia Cross. So, for the love of humanity and the corneal safety of this great land, please, please, please put your saline fun bags away and stop prancing around as though you are the second coming of Dr Kimberly Shaw, because the truth is that you are not, and also? You are seriously going to put someone's eye out with those things and that's going to be a bitch to clean up.
A book, huh? Is it just stuff you already put on the Web site?
Nope, we wrote the whole thing fresh, just for you.
Awesome. In that case, I want to read it!
Thank you! Click here to find out all the details!
