Kelly Osbourne

Say what you will about Kelly Osbourne's usual Goth-ish look -- and we have -- I did actually LIKE the black hair on her. She has the most gorgeous porcelain skin, and when she didn't cake on the makeup like it was nourishing her inner aspect, GOOP-style, I think she looked rather lovely.

So this disappointed me:



I object to Kelly's hair bleach. For me, it takes what was unusual about her and makes it ordinary. Her skin is still pretty, but with her usual face paint and the hair that blends right into her face, she's less striking.

Not to mention: Kelly is 25. And yes, her fiance is younger, but together in this photograph they look like they're auditioning for The Amazing Race as a mother-and-son duo wherein the mom is a secretary at the American Rock Groupies Union and the boy is an elf who jumped out of a Tolkein novel. It's unsettling. I'm afraid Gollum is about to jump out of Kelly's handbag with Phil Keoghan so they can say, "WELCOME TO MORDOR, Kelly and Luke, you are Team Number ONE."

Maybe it's the jet-lag talking, but is Kelly Osbourne wearing a dickie with an attached hood?

That matches her dress? She is, isn't she? And there's a face on her crotch? And two tiger heads (or something toothy, anyway) right beneath her boobs? Right?

Actually, let's just blame this on jet lag. Never happened. Never saw it at all.

KELLY: Oh, GOD. Don't look now. It's KIM STEWART.

KIMBERLY: HI HI HI OH MY GOD LET'S GET A PICTURE.

KELLY: Great. Now people will think we're friends.

KIMBERLY: OMG, THAT DRESS IS DIVINELY OLD-SCHOOL HOLLYWOOD FUNERAL! LOVE IT! LOVE YOU! WE'RE TOTALLY FRIENDS!!!!

KELLY: I can't believe she even looks halfway cute. This is so depressing. First I'm forced to hang out with this clingy idiot and I don't even get the benefit of looking comparatively fabulous? She makes all my makeup look even HEAVIER.

KIMBERLY: HANG ON I HAVE TO BRING IT DOWN A BIT and look very serious. Okay, I'm ready now.

KELLY: Let's just take this damn picture before I smack you.

Oh, Kelly Osbourne. Part of me loves you in this -- black and blue! So French! So like a bruise, but in that "You Should See The OTHER Guy" kind of way! So flattering to your pretty skin! And part of me, I must confess, said, "is that a MEMBERS ONLY JACKET?" except I sort of said it in with a shamed "because I might need it" tone in my voice rather than the perhaps expected distain.

On the other hand, I fear that aggressively pleated hem may lead to disaster, in the form of cocktail weenies or cocktail shrimp or cocktail quiches falling off plates at parties and getting buried deep in there, unnoticed, only to be discovered later after a harrowing afternoon in which Kelly tears through her entire closet saying things like, "Something smells TERRIBLE in here! Did I step in dog shit? WHAT IS GOING ON?!"

I may be concerned about this because I recently found a potato chip in my bra. I had not eaten chips (yet) that day. Ergo, maybe this is just a touchy subject. I DON'T KNOW.

 

Why, it was just last week that I was all, "oh, Kelly, what's wrong with your make-up? Oh, Kelly, what's wrong with your hair? Kelly, why are you dressing up like Liza Minnelli? Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly." (Sorry, that was just a reflex.) And it's like she was LISTENING:

How adorable she looks! How pixie-like! How prettily made up! I feel like a proud mama, although not like her proud mama, because if I were to suddenly start feeling like Sharon Osbourne...well, I guess now that I think about it, Sharon could actually probably very easily step in for me here if I were to have both of my arms broken by Jessica Simpson in a tussle over the last butterscotch pop down at See's Candies or something.

In other news, there's Kimberly Stewart:

Kelly Osbourne has been looking pretty cute lately. Just look at her and Jack at a recent event:

Cute! Love the make-up, love the hair, love the body-conscious but not trashyola dress. Cute without looking cookie-cutter starlet-y, and thank god for that. (Jack looks cute, too. Clearly, not having to live through their young adulthood on television is agreeing with them.)

And she looks cute at this event last night  -- if a little maturely dressed for her actual age:

Well, okay: she looks cute from the neck down.

Now, don't get your culottes in a twist. I'm not talking about her ACTUAL FACE -- for one thing, I've always thought Kelly was very pretty, and even if she weren't, it would be kind of 8th grade of me to be all, "SUCKS ABOUT YOUR FACE!" And I have reached at least the maturity of an 11th grader.  I'm talking about her MAKE-UP:

It's been a long time since we had Kelly Osbourne in our sights. I don't know what she's been doing in the meantime. I heard that she's appearing as Big Mama Morton in Chicago in the West End, and has lost weight for the role (why, I do not know, as that seems like a role which would invite NOT having to lose weight, although I guess she might just be getting in shape for all the dancing or some such.) So presumably she's been busy with, like, cardio and vocal warm-ups as well as her usual activities, which I imagine include screaming at her parents, cuddling her dogs, and combing her wigs. (Sounds like my weekend.) In fact, she seems to be coming straight from cardio here, judging from the bike shorts:

[Photo: Splash News]

Admittedly, if my gym offered Glam Spinning, during which we all got to wear sequined tunics and heels and were being led by a fantastically be-wigged drag queen, I would totally go to the gym more. By which I mean, at all.

Well, who woulda thunk it? Kelly Osbourne's cleaned herself up real nice:

Her make-up looks fantastic: natural, young, fresh, easy, breezy, beautiful, etc, etc. Her hair, at last, apears to actually sprout from her scalp, rather than being something that lives on a styrofoam head on the top of her dresser. And the coat! The coat fits her, it's flattering, it's chic, it's classic.  I would stab my grandmother in the face for that coat. Okay, maybe not my own grandmother. But I would probably stab yours. It's adorable. And so is she. For now.  Well played, young Osbourne. Well played indeed.

Apparently, it's not just fugly that's the new pretty -- looking like you're headed down Carol Channing Ave. toward its intersection with Norma Desmond Blvd., complete with crazy face paint and a wig that looks like it's been bound to your skull, is ALSO the new pretty:

By all accounts, Kelly Osbourne is not actually an insane old lady who is clinging to her youth by trying to slap eighteen inches of cake makeup on her face, the better to both hide her age and maintain the sickly pallor that was so popular back when she was a girl. And yet, she is all done up like one, complete with that head thing that seems to be anchoring the hair in place, and foundation that's a clown-like shade of white. I'm fair-skinned myself so I'm attuned to jokes about being wan and looking like cold death, but... she looks like a complete moron. And maybe a dead one.

Kelly, let me level with you. You are pretty, and can look charming -- when you get it together. This is not one of those times. Perhaps it is I who is the old crone, because of what I'm about to say to you: Young lady, you need to march upstairs and scrape that gunk off your face RIGHT NOW, from the chalk to the Hollywood Blvd. lips to the other layers of chalk that you'll get to once you dig beneath the first three. And don't come down until you're all scrubbed, or else... um... I'll give all your Converse to the Salvation Army. You hear me, young lady? Don't hide your pretty face. And don't look at me that way. I just want what's best for you. When you're mother's out there talking about having sex with your father every night they're together, well, you don't need to put on a DEPRAVED face; you need your BRAVE face. Now go.

At least she looks happy. Oh, wait.

It's like, shoes? Hot.  Bag? Hot. Capelet and fat tie? NOT. [Apparently, I'm so dismayed by this ensemble that I have actually resorted to the old "hot"/"NOT" dichotomy.] She looks like a English transvestite schoolboy and not in some hot sort of sexy early Velvet Goldmine kind of way. More in like a young and confused and unfamiliar with the proper proportion of clothes kind of way.

Also, and not to sound like my mom or anything, but how is she getting through the day without losing her mind and trimming her own bangs with her nail clippers in desperation?