Kelly Osbourne Archives

July 19, 2005

Kelly Fugbourne

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Aw, cheer up, Kelly:

Somebody can fix that overgrown Franciscan bowl cut you're sporting.

Unless it's a wig, in which case, it's your own fault you look like the Goth embodiment of a circumcized penis.

April 26, 2005

Fuggy Fugbourne

I can't decide which Kelly Osbourne is more proud of: her breasts, or the fact that she skinned a drum major:

[From The Cobra Snake, via a reader.]

"Yeah, so, this one time, at band camp..."

February 14, 2005

Grammy Awards: Pre-Party Fug Carpet

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Oh, Kelly. I hate to say it because you look happy, but... it's not funny:

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

What are you doing? That wig makes you look like an extra in Hairspray, and not in a good way.

And, I've heard of matching one's shoes to one's dress, or even one's handbag or assorted accessories. But I've never heard of matching one's dress to one's teeth. In addition to investigating some industrial-strength anti-perspirant, Ms. Osbourne might want to pick up a pack of White Strips.

January 26, 2005

Papa Don't Fug

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Oh, Kelly.

This is such a cry for help. Come here, baby. Come here. No, no, don't cry. I'm here for you. Talk to me, sweetie. What's wrong? Why are you acting like this? Why are you wearing a bowler hat that makes your head look like a pale little pumpkin in a bad wig? Why would you do that? No, no! Don't talk that way. Lots of people love you. Like who? Well, like your parents. Of course they do, Kelly! Kelly...Kelly...I can't talk to you when you're like this. Do you want help, or not? KELLY? Fine, that's just fine. If you want to act like a child, that's fine. If you want to run around dressed like a cut-rate Ally Sheedy impersonator -- OF COURSE THERE ARE ALLY SHEEDY IMPERSONATORS. They have impersonators for everything. Shut up, that's not the point. As I was SAYING, if you really wake up in the morning and decide that the only thing that will make you happy will be dressing like Demi Moore on a carb bender, that's your business. But when you decide it's time to act like an adult and get some help for your problems, you know where to find me.

Tell Jack that goes double for him.

December 3, 2004

Fugly Osbourne

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Kelly, I.... Oh, this is awkward, I'm not sure... see, something... happened... Can't you feel it? Damn, clearly, I guess, you can't... Kelly, I'll just come out with it: You had an accident with your shirt.

[Photo by Daily Celeb.]

See it? ... The massive pit stain? Yeah. A little anti-perspirant can help that -- I mean, if your Mom's looking for stocking stuffers this year.

I feel like there was something else assaulting my senses, but I just can't remember.

Kelly Osbourne

Kelly Fugbourne

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Fuggy Fugbourne

Grammy Awards: Pre-Party Fug Carpet

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Papa Don't Fug

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Fugly Osbourne

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