Leelee Sobieski

Aw, Leelee.



I'd be upset with you for this -- you're making me miss my dead grandma AND Mary-Kate Olsen all in one very confusing rush of strange, usually unrelated emotions -- but the perplexed-looking dude standing behind you, who appears to have halted mid-step to stare at your Nursing-Home-Wallpaper-patterned caftan, amuses me so much that I just can't stay mad. Bless.

We've all been here, right?



I can't count the number of times I've thrown on my leggings and an over-sized shirt to go run out into a wind tunnel. I did it three or four times this morning, in fact. I'll probably do it again this afternoon. EVERYONE's doing it. You should try it.

In starting this fug, I realized that I could not remember a single movie Leelee Sobieski has been in. Not just recently. EVER. Then, of course, I remembered the one where she has knee cancer and has to choose between Josh Hartnett and Chris Klein and OH MY GOD, if a movie starring those three doesn't SCREAM, like, 1999, I don't know what does.


Much as this look screams, "I am kind of an asshole." If it's cold enough for dueling capes and a hood, why are you wearing SHORTS with ONE GLOVE? Exactly.

Well, at least she's clothed.

But somehow Leelee Sobieski comes off looking not like a nice young actress, but rather somebody's wicked stepmother from a 1980s soap -- one on which, say, she just married Morgan Fairchild's father in a scandalous February-to-December union, and so we are treated to a number of scenes in which Morgan slinks around the house teasing up her hair and sneering, "Hello, MOTHER," as Leelee swans by in a cloud of linebacker shoulder pads and billowing sleeves. I'm pretty sure there would be a part in it for Emma Samms also, with the occasional appearance by Young Pierce Brosnan as a corporate rogue with dollar-signs in his eyes and fur-covered handcuffs in his heart.

And while that show would be awesome, that ship has probably sailed, so Leelee might need to go ahead and put away the bathrobe before she's relegated to playing a young Meredith Baxter-no-longer-Birney in a Lifetime movie about all the Lifetime movies she's made.

Well, I guess it's nice to see that Leelee Sobieski is continuing to refine her bitchface -- after all, everyone needs a talent, and without it we might not recognize her any more.

However, it is a shame that she is using her Maidenform Body-Skimming Corset in "Blush" as if it were a legitimate top. It's a tad desperate, not to mention fugtacular. At this point I said to myself, "Well, that's that. I don't need to see the rest, because surely wrapping what looks like a bolt of black spandex around a strapless bra is as bad as it gets." 

And yet, as ever, I should know better.

From the Desk of Leelee Sobieski:

To do:

Put on total bitchface: check

Dig out attractive gown in supremely flattering color: check

Inexplicably lose my shit and attack the bottom of it with shears: check

Debate trimming the hem so that it's a mini: check

Decide to just pretend I did the whole thing on purpose: check

Okaaaay:

I don't know what is going on here.  I can't tell if this is a costume or not, and if it is a costume, I have no idea what it is a costume OF. (Please excuse the unfortunate structure of that sentence: today is Casual Grammar Friday.) Is this an homage to her role in Eyes Wide Shut? Is she some kind of Hipster Jester, reaching into her pocket for two iPods and a copy of McSweeney's to juggle? Is she half woman, half vampiric elfin sprite? I just wish someone could explain it to me. I just want to understand.

We all loved that puppet-show scene in The Sound of Music. We all know about the poor lonely goatherd and his lusty yodeling, and the girl and her mama with the gleaming gloat, or coat, or whatever the hell the lyrics were. Basically, we all just liked watching the cute beer-swilling ones and those precious little big-eyed goats, and if you didn't think the goatboy and his girlfriend were cute then you have a heart made of tarred stone, and you really can't go wrong with Julie Andrews. At all.

(Unless we're talking about The Princess Diaries 2, in which case, don't watch it -- you will feel so depressed at how much that debacle disgraces her, although there is something fun about imagining her and Hector Elizondo doing shots in their trailers and bemoaning the bad old good old days when they were both in actual good movies, and wondering drunkenly whether they can bribe Garry Marshall into letting them burn the master print.)

But: back to the goatherd. Leelee Sobieski is apparently looking for him.

[Photo by Daily Celeb.]

Her acting is as wooden as if she were a marionette herself, and certainly she could benefit from having La Andrews pull her strings. But generally speaking, Leelee Sobieski is not a maiden on a Swiss hilltop, and as far as I can tell, she's not milking anything except perhaps the ticking clock of her notoriety. So the whole The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Half-Pint motif she's got going here really might be better left inside her closet.

What is up with people being mistaken about their own identities lately? First, Tom Cruise started confusing himself with his character from Magnolia, in addition to the seemingly egregious error of mistaking Katie Holmes for Vaginal Salvation; then, Hilary Duff and her overly capped fangs began trotting around looking like Chloe Sevigny's little sister.

Now, the icing on the cake: Leelee Sobieski seems to be laboring under the delusion that she is... well, anyone at all, but more specifically in this case, Bai Ling or Stephanie Seymour:

Leelee up there is in the act of celebrating the fact that she turned 23 without being felled by the dreaded knee cancer. However, she has evidently chosen to do it by throwing a wild sex picnic during a Bananarama tribute concert, and subsequently getting arrested for indecent exposure, after which a tipsy Leelee gleefully and haphazardly wrapped herself in the blanket and tottered out slurring, "I'M YOUR VENUS, BITCHES"; happily, she got herself bailed out of jail so she could go straight to The Spider Club without missing a single slice of the Here On Earth-themed birthday cake she bought herself to remind everyone that She Is A Serious Actress Indeed, and not simply a block of wood with a garbled man-voice, as has been previously reported.

Happy Birthday, Leelee. Cute bra. I got you a safety pin.

Okay, there's no time for introductory chit chat when it comes to a case of fug this henious:

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

In one outfit, you've got:

a) a cropped AND belted jacket
b) with puffed sleeves
c) made of pink lame
d) and accessorized with a Carrie-Bradshaw-circa-2002-big-flower-pin
e) worn with low-rider genie pants
f) and a bowler hat.

Shouldn't someone be doing something about this? Does LeeLee have no one to step in and tell her that she looks like a deranged transsexual with a Charlie Chaplin fetish and a jones for Hammer pants? I mean, isn't she secretly some kind of Russian countess or something? Isn't this the sort of look that would get a girl sent to Siberia? Can someone get on that?