Teri Hatcher

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ROSARIO: Pssst, Hatcher -- what's up with the belted bedsheets? We're not in your hotel room! HA HA.

TERI: Could've fooled me, Rosario -- I mean, you DID try that cocktail dress on over your nightgown and then forget to change out of it, right?

ROSARIO: YOU ARE A DELIGHT.

TERI: NO, YOU ARE.

ROSARIO: Do we even KNOW EACH OTHER?!??

TERI: DOUBT IT! HA HA HA!

ROSARIO: Yeah, laugh it up, beeyotch. I'm going to have Will Smith destroy her later.

TERI: I'm going to have Nicollette destroy her later.



It's always unfortunate when someone takes a color risk, and then shows up and learns that another actress took the exact same risk -- a bit like, say, if you showed up at a Halloween party dressed as the magic mailbox from The Lake House, and ten minutes later someone else with the exact same idea arrived, but they'd decided to add a plastic house and a driveway to the costume, and suddenly, you were just the sad person with a large metal compartment sticking out of your stomach. (I am sure that has happened to many of you out there.)

In the case of the Emmys, it's tough to decide which is which, but I think Mariska Hargitay here might be Mailbox: Original Flavor, because her interpretation of canary yellow lacked any bells and whistles.

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I mean, it's FINE, and everything -- it fits, her junk is covered, and her skin tone is right for the bright hue. But it's definitely toga-adjacent, and frankly, kind of a snore. Although perhaps it's hard to judge, because when you are standing in front of Kynt and Vyxsin (the neon goths from The Amazing Race) and one of them appears to be wearing shoes with springs on the soles, you are always going to look totally boring. Parentheticaly, I sort of feel like Vyksin is staring at Mariska and wondering if it's worth challenging her to a duel, with the fate of the Earth's solar system at stake. In fact, I have it on good authority that as soon as Mariska hit the red carpet, nine round things spontaneously appeared and began orbiting her at different speeds.

This all makes Teri Hatcher version 2.0 -- the more elaborate version of the same basic thought:

April 8, 2008

Fugperate Fugwives

In theory? Not bad.

But in practice... Teri, the tan lines didn't just pop up there by themselves. Marcia Cross did not hex you with those while you were in the car. You HAD TO KNOW. This sort of thing is becoming such a pet peeve of mine now -- the bathing-suit marks take an otherwise nice cocktail dress and make it look like a beach cover-up that she threw on after building a sandcastle so she could go have a grilled cheese sandwich at the clubhouse. Why not save this little baby for a time when you've evened things out, and instead go with something that has straps? Or wear a wrap? Or just chuck the whole thing and actually go make grilled cheese? You'd be surprised at the clarity a little cheddar on white can bring. Especially if you jam some bacon in it.

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