Marcia Cross

We touched on Marcia briefly in yesterday's NY Mag piece, but it bears repeating: This dress evokes nothing so much as memories of my sixth-grade Science Fair project.

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It was called "Spoil Spores," because even at that age I was a sucker for a terrible pun, and it was all about mold. I grew it in different conditions and on different substances: bread, cheese, orange juice, and pieces of wet cloth, and let me tell you, the penicillin mold that bloomed in my glasses of Tropicana were utterly magnificent. Had they not smelled musty and strange and been gaggingly furry, I probably could've swallowed all of them and become invincible. So whenever I see Marcia up here, it conjures images of going into the laundry room every morning to check the fridge and the windowsill and the shelves to see how far my mold had crept along overnight. And I'm not sure embodying the fruits of a third-place science experiment is exactly what Marcia had in mind.

However, she has inspired me to take "Spoil Spores" to the next level: a ballet. In that twee, stumpifying tutu, Marcia could play the lead -- a rogue mold that falls in love with the food she's supposed to ruin, culminating in a heartbreakingly luscious pas-de-deux that ends in death. Bring Kleenex, people. It's going to change the way you look at those pita pockets that have been sitting on the counter for two weeks.
June 27, 2006

Fugrose Place

Life after Melrose Place must be rough. It's got to be hard to be colorful -- surely everything in life seems so hopelessly devoid of hue when compared with that rich, lusty universe. Especially because a day without Michael Mancini and all his smug, gleeful treachery is like a football team without tight pants: rather less glorious, and indeed, faintly alarming.

But some people do still try. Marcia Cross, for one, is making a game stab. Kelly Rutherford, on the other hand, seems to have blah-ed herself into oblivion.

Now, I understand the perils of fair skin, being pale as Casper myself. But the way some people counterbalance that is with sporting, say, an actual hair color, or some eyebrow tint, or even a spot of makeup. They also tend not to wear colors that make them look consumptive.

As far as the dress itself looking fresh from Gymboree's summer line, well, that's just sad and wrong no matter how dreary and wan you look.

Oh, Kelly. It didn't have to be like this. And it's not like you haven't worked at all... what's the deal, here? Is it just that nothing seems worth it any more? Because I'm sure we could find you a reason to spruce it up a little. Gay Matt found it on ABC. Jack Wagner found it on daytime TV (and by ironing out more than a few things on his face, methinks). Lisa Rinna managed to extract some meaning from her life after Melrose by being dragged around on a reality program in what amounts to sequined netting. Which, hey, one girl's costly psychological trauma is another girl's pig-in-shit fantasy. Props to her. So what can we do for you?

I think step one is a dye job (or if she's pregnant, some organic dye a la Britney, or a wig; surely she could ask Marcia about wigs) and some lip gloss.

May 8, 2006

Fugperate Fugwives

It's pretty well-documented how we here at GFY feel about Marcia Cross. Love the hair, love the acting even though we hate the show, love the lesbian rumors, love the potentially connected lack of interest she's showing in her upcoming wedding, love her skin, love her figure, love her resume. She was Dr. Kimberly Shaw, and as we all know, Dr. Kimberly Shaw doesn't just cut a bitch -- she mows down and/or explodes a bitch. And so we stand behind Marcia Cross against the world, especially The Hatch, any time we're required to do so.

However, we can't always give her a free pass...

Dr. Kimberly Shaw would hate this. She wouldn't stand for a dress that gives her a phantom pot belly and pulls against her thighs in an achingly unflattering fabric tug-of-war, topped off with a filmy drape that looks like an exotic wedding veil gone wrong.

You know who would wear this overwrought piece of sausage casing? The Baroness. You know who I mean: blonde, Austrian, thick drawn-on brown eyebrows, tried to get Maria out of Captain Von Trapp's life by sneaky means so she could marry into his money and then send the kids off to boarding school while she stood on the patio in her ball gowns cackling merrily between drags of the cigarette dangling from its stylish holder... that Baroness.

And as much as this realization almost saves the dress, because the evil Baroness kind of rules, in the end Marcia and her Viennese Golddigger couture can't win because satin -- 95% of the time -- is a bigger enemy even than Dr. Michael Mancini.

May 4, 2005

Melrose Fug

I love Marcia Cross so very much. The blackmail! The baby-stealing! The multiple personalities! The framing Sidney for framing Jane for running Michael over with a car! The wig-ripping, my God, the wig-ripping! And that's just Melrose Place.

So this really hurts me:

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Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. Why would you pull back your hair like that? You have such beautiful hair. Hair that I covet - so red, so shiny, so willing to be ripped off your head after a night of wild sex with your charming asshole doctor husband, whom you - let's be honest - would really like to see dead, although you would settle for getting him disbarred and taking all his money.

And Marcia! Marcia, Marcia. The dress. It's so frumpy. It's so unflattering. The colors wash you out so very much. The length, it is so weird. Would Bree Van De Kamp wear something so muddled and poorly cut and lacking in bright colors and/or argyle? No. Would Dr. Kimberly Shaw wear something that made her recede into the background so severely? Never. Unless she were hiding the bushes in front of Dr Michael Mancini's beach house before dragging his unconscious body from the bedroom and into the garage to be asphyxiated by carbon monoxide, of course, but that would be purely for strategic reasons. Why are you doing this to yourself?

Please don't let this happen again. You rock. And you could ruin me by either blowing up my apartment building or somehow finagling a way to get me admitted to a mental institution to give me an unauthorized lobotomy, so I really don't want to get on your bad side. Can we please return to our regular scheduled Marcia Cross Love Fest now? Thank you.

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