Kate Moss

Do you think Kate Moss ever wakes up in the morning and rolls over in bed, clutching her aching head, and thinks, "oh, HELL. Did I really go out last night wearing a fur stole as a baby sling?"

[Photo: Splash News]

Yes, Kate, you did.

Many moons ago, back when Britney washed her hair and we didn't know what a Kim Kardashian was, we amused ourselves with a little game called "Busey or Nolte?" It involved distinguishing between Gary Busey and Nick Nolte in photographs -- which wasn't always that hard, but certainly used to be much tougher. Time and plastic surgery have torn them apart like Shakespearian lovers.  Also, I'm pretty sure the game is up forever because there is no way Nick Nolte is going to berate Ryan Seacrest at the Oscars and then try and chug a pint of Jennifer Garner's blood. 

But the spirit of celebrity doppelgangers remains, born for us in them but living on in others. Today, we're honoring its manifestation in two slouchy, sloppy blondes with crappy taste in men. I present: Miller or Moss?

Waif-watchers in the UK know that Kate Moss and Sienna Miller inhabit a similar style, which some might suggest -- and have suggested -- Sienna cribbed off the Queen of Heroin-Chic. Why anyone would WANT to do that is beyond me, but honestly, I'm okay with living in a world where I don't understand what's going through Sienna Miller's head. I don't need to be haunted with dreams in which I am ENJOYING Rhys Ifans dancing naked in my living room with a shoebox on his head, or whatever it is that he does when they're together.

If you are stumped on whether that's Bedhead 2.0 or Original Flavor, this might help -- as it happens, both Miller AND Moss were in attendance at this party, and here they are pictured together:

Oh, Kate Moss. Happy birthday, I guess.

[Photo: Splash News]

It has been quite a year for Kate, eh? With all the Doherty drama, for one thing. (I wonder if she ever reads pieces in the paper about Johnny Depp -- like that recent story about how he spent several hours reading to the kids in the pediatric ward of the hospital that treated his daughter last year, wearing his Captain Jack Sparrow costume, which basically...I mean, come on. That's awesome. -- and wonders what would have happened to them if they'd stayed together.) And, you know, all that cocaine stuff.  Not to mention just being Kate Moss: Poster Child For Models With Bad Taste In Dudes And Other Stuff. That sounds totally exhausting. I think it would be enough to drive any girl to a starry, starry jumpsuit. (Oh, yeah, those are pants. I know. ) And, um, child-like/Bowie-esque face paint. Despite being neither a child, nor nowhere as cool as David Bowie. You know, some people would say that a starry, flowy pantsuit accessorized with face paint was appropriate only for an elementary school student at their school's spring carnival in 1985, but don't worry! I read that memo about how Kate Moss is a stylistic genius who can do no wrong NO MATTER WHAT SHE WEARS. A barrel as a dress: AWESOME.  Pants as a scarf: PERFECT FOR FALL! Crocs as earmuffs: UNMITIGATED BRILLIANCE! Therefore, I will not tell you all that I am totally over Kate Moss and think she looks ridiculous, and instead just say, if you want to wallow in the almost incomprehensible dreaminess of this look, I suggest making a run to Joann's Fabrics first off. Try to get there early, before Sienna Miller realizes what she's missing and buys out their entire stash of pajama material.

Great Britain's Glastonbury music festival looks kind of like a muddy delight, especially considering that most of the music festivals here in Southern California require an acceptance of the inevitability of severe sun/heat stroke.  However, the seriously inclement weather there this year has lead to some intriguing fashion choices.

Kate Moss, of course, somehow manages to look glamourous despite: trawling through metric tons of muck; living in a trailer for days on end; and accessorizing with the Doherty. I have never seen a photo of him where he appears to have bathed within the last six weeks, or with his mouth closed. While her ability to style herself is remarkable (now I kind of want PVC pants, despite knowing with complete confidence that I absolutely can not pull off PVC pants), her taste in dudes is questionable:

What is not questionable is that Shirley "Goldfinger" Bassey is AWESOME:

If you are Shirley Bassey, and you have to wear wellies, damn straight you get them BeDazzeled. Because you are fabulous, and if my cellular provider offered "Goldfinger" as a ring tone, you would now be like .0004 cents richer, because I would have just bought it.  Speaking of buying things, let us all also give thanks that Shirley didn't buy the farm when her helicopter almost crashed this weekend.

And then there's Stella McCartney, lover of animals, maker of allegedly really nice organic beauty products, and virulent hater of Heather Mills. Despite the kajillions of dollars and the famous father and the friendship with Gwyneth, I like to think that Stella is the most Regular Type Girl of the celebrities at Glastonbury, no?

Historically, Kate Moss has managed to avoid our wrath, mostly because she is one of the few people who can pull off pretty much everything she attempts.  Until now:

It's the visible Hanes Her Way panties that have pushed me over the edge.

But what's really alarming about Kate Moss right now is not this sheer taffeta monstrosity, but rather her male accessory.  We haven't mentioned Pete Doherty on here, ever, I don't think, mostly because this site isn't called Go Drug Yourself.  But I have just about had it with these two.

Listen, we've all made bad choices in the romance department. I once dated a man who had no refrigerator because "it was too loud next to [his] head."  But does ANYONE ANYWHERE think Pete Doherty is a good bet romantically?  He has -- and I think I can say this without using the "allegedly" -- drug problems.  His teeth are a mess.  He's often bleeding from the head.  He falls down a lot. He's sweaty. He seems like it would be hard to have a conversation with him between the hours of 4 pm and noon. He's a total f'ing mess, and he's the sort of boy who,  should you be dating him, prompts a lot of concerned conversations with your girlfriends including the words "loose cannon," "kind of greasy," and "your daughter's well-being." He's like the dating equivalent of wearing acid-washed short-shorts to your grandmother's funeral:  totally inappropriate to the point that people begin to wonder if you've had a head injury.

And that's not chic at all.