Milla Jovovich Archives

March 9, 2009

The Fug Element

Fug file:

You know, I was all set to make this a Fug or Fab, and then I decided, "No. It's time to take a stand." Also, I sort of realized how I felt about it. It makes me a little stabby. Oh, MILLA:

So, the front is fine, right? I mean, I'll be honest -- I think this is a little young for her. It's not like she's some old aging hag or whatever (we're the same age, and I feel confident that we are still VERY YOUNG AND VIBRANT), but a woman gets to a certain age and she probably should think twice about wearing something (a) hella short AND (b) white lacy-crotchet-y whatever AND (c) all coy and swiss dotted and be-bowed at the top, WITH (d) puffed sleeves. That's just a lot of Little Bo Peep signifiers for a grown woman, that's all. Especially when you see the back:

Continue reading The Fug Element.

October 2, 2008

Milla Jovofug

Fug file:

PAUL ANDERSON: Okay, honey, let's go.

MILLA JOVOVICH: We will go when I say so. MWA HA HA HA HAAAAA.

PAUL: What's with the cackling, babe? What are you plotting?

MILLA: You'd like to know that, wouldn't you? MWA HA HA HA HAAAAA.

PAUL: This is freaky. You kind of remind me of your evil character in Zoolander. You're not about to kidnap me and force me to watch a video that turns me into a brainwashed killing machine that will assassinate a foreign prime minster while racy '80s pop plays in the background... are you?

MILLA: Don't be so tense, honey. Why don't you... RELAX? MWA HA HA HA HAAAAA.

PAUL: I can't relax when you're in evil mode. You look like a Satanic milkmaid plotting how to hold a blood orgy. And I REALLY can't relax when you're in those pants. For one thing, I don't understand them. For another, how long is it going to take me to yank those off your legs later? Should I pay the babysitter for an extra hour?

MILLA: You should pay her for her SOUL. MWA HA HA H--

PAUL: Yeah, yeah, "HA HAAAAA," I get it. That's just great.

February 5, 2008

New York Fugshion Week: More Day 3, Some Day 4

Fug file:

Oh, Miss Tyra, you do amuse us so. We like to call this touching portrait A Girl And Her Twinkie:

Gotta respect a woman who not only puts greasy baked goods in her mouth, but thinks it's fun for it to happen on camera. And also, I know some people out there want us to stop yapping about Miss Tyra's wig or weave or whatever we feel like calling it that day -- it could be both, or neither; it is all things, and yet it is nothing -- and we do feel you. We do. But seriously, HOW do you expect us to do that? How? We are but mortal. We adore her crazy hair. It's impossible to resist discussing something that looks so heavy and itchy and as if it was recently shorn from the business end of a horse. So, with apologies to those non-congratulators, we not only can't not reference it, but in fact, it gets its own affectionate section in our book -- which, shameless plug ahoy, hits stores today. The City of New York is courteously throwing a parade to honor the occasion, although I think there is some nonsense about us sharing the party with Michael Strahan and Eli Manning. Pish. We call shenanigans on that.

Here's what we were up to while Tyra was romancing her snack cake:

Ellen Pompeo seemed very pleasant in perilous circumstances at Y-3.
Chloe Sevigny barely conceals her distaste for Miss Sixty; Milla Jovovich at times doesn't even try.
Angie Harmon is a smart girl, getting a hair wrangler to make sure everything was in place before her photo op at Carolina Herrera.
We wish Tim Gunn could've stopped the rock at Catherine Malandrino. That music was scary.
What happens when a fashion show starts on time? Some celebrities miss it, that's what.
Do you think Betsey Johnson gave attendee Joan Jett another dime to put in the jukebox, baby?
Maybe Eliza Dushku can figure out what the hell the gift was at Ports 1961.

April 13, 2007

Fugovich-Hawk

Fug file:

dialogue

MILLA JOVOVICH: I love these events.

JENNY LEWIS: Yeah, I'm having a great time here in my Jovovich-Hawk sandwich, but seriously, Milla... is Carmen okay?

MILLA: Ignore her, Jenny. She always looks like she's dying.

JENNY: Aren't you afraid she'll keel over?

MILLA: Eh. It's kind of awesome that she's always at death's door because she never notices when I hog all the best of the dresses we make.

JENNY: Yeah, I meant to thank you for getting me out of my regular babydoll shifts and knee socks.

MILLA: I'm a stud.

JENNY: Although do you think maybe next time you could give me something that isn't so high-waisted? The distance between my boobs and my belly button looks like it's about two inches.

MILLA: Right. I'll get Carmen on that.

JENNY: I don't think she's even blinking. And did she wash her hair this week?

MILLA: Of course not. I figure, if people think she's about to go toes-up, they'll buy a lot of clothes out of pity.

JENNY: I think she might already be dead. She smells like Marc Anthony.

MILLA: Oh, fine. Can somebody please get Carmen some vitamins? And a hose?

CARMEN: I should've had a V-8.

May 10, 2006

Fugga Jovovich

Milla Jovovich has her own clothing line.

Why am I concerned?

Don't blindly trust this woman, this "designer," or else you, too, might end up wearing a shirt that reminds me of an old summer bedspread my parents had, a ratty denim skirt that looks like Britney Spears broke it in before handing it off, an old birthday party balloon pulled around your waist, and the dreaded fashion terrorist we call leggings.

Tread carefully.

January 20, 2006

Milla Fugovich

Well. I wouldn't buy a newspaper from this woman, that's for sure:

I think I'd be afraid that the ink was tinged with whatever hallucinogens compelled her to a) wear the hat in the first place, and b) pair it with a figure-swallowing scarf-dress. I don't even know what to say about the fact that she's allegedly getting her own design line, except that I'd love to put Milla, this badly bastardized wrap dress of her own creation, and genre mastermind Diane von Furstenberg in a room together for two days with nothing but a pair of pinking shears, a copy of Martha Stewart Living, and one Diet Coke. Let's see who comes out alive, Milla. I don't think it will be you. And I really don't think it will be that thing.

Milla Jovovich

The Fug Element

Fug file:

Milla Jovofug

Fug file:

New York Fugshion Week: More Day 3, Some Day 4

Fug file:

Fugovich-Hawk

Fug file:

Fugga Jovovich

Milla Fugovich

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