Emma Watson

EVANNA LYNCH: D'you like my dress? I made it out of my grandfather's pants.

EMMA WATSON: It's lovely. I made mine out of toilet paper and sewed a giant garter to the bottom. Although I still look sort of pretty in it, even if it is baggy.

KATIE LEUNG: Yeah, but where you blew it is the shoes.

EVANNA: Wow, you really did.

EMMA: What? Look who's talking! You both whiffed!

KATIE: At least my feet don't look BANDAGED, Emma. Did you break both your ankles last night?

EMMA: Says the girl in orthopedic jazz shoes. Are those from the nursing home's theater department?

KATIE: Yes, the same place where you learned to ACT.

EMMA: OH YEAH? Well... um... at least my hair looks good!

EVANNA: BORING. You could at least try some accessories sometime.

KATIE: Maybe we need to stop squabbling and hire some stylists.

EMMA: Maybe Helena Bonham-Carter can recommend one.

EVANNA: Er... let's try asking someone else first.

KATIE: Who, though?

EVANNA: ANYONE. Well, except Rupert.

KATIE: Maggie Smith!

EMMA: Aha, is THAT who you borrowed those shoes from?

EVANNA: Oh, forget it, this is never going to work.

EMMA ROBERTS: Hi, Emma!

EMMA WATSON: Hi, Emma!

ROBERTS: You look cute! Even if I do suspect you're wearing pirate boots. It IS almost Halloween, and everyone loves a pirate! Anyway, your top makes up for it! You look so young and chic!

WATSON: Thanks, Emma! You look cute, too. Your dress is mildly prim and adorably retro, and I just love a good side part!

ROBERTS: Me TOO! So, we're basically best friends now, right?

WATSON: Clearly. Matching and/or similar hair parts  is simply the way our souls have chosen to communicate. Now can we talk at length about how refreshing it is to be two of the few young women in Hollywood who aren't rumored to be dating some old random weirdos, or on drugs, or flashing people, or going to jail, or mailing out naked photos of ourselves to people? Ooh, and then can we talk about how our names are ALMOST palindromes? NO ONE will ever talk to me about that!

ROBERTS: I guess so. I wanted to talk about how Dumbledore is gay. Oh, and about Rupert Grint and how he is or is not like Ron Weasley. Is he like Ron? I bet he is. I just love Ron. Aren't you glad she didn't kill Ron? I am. Oh! And about Daniel Radcliffe! Tell me everything! Everything! Have you ever made out with him? Have you been to his house? Does he ever let you borrow his pants? Can you set us up?

WATSON: This is never going to end, is it?

ROBERTS: You can ask me about my aunt Julia if you want. She bit me once. I'll show you the scar. We are best friends, after all.

WATSON: ...okay, that seems like a fair trade.

The coverage of the Harry Potter kids has been out of control lately -- which  makes sense, given that the most recent of the films opens this weekend, and the final book comes out on the 21st (not that I've had that marked on my calendar since February or anything). And, with only a few be-feathered mis-steps, Emma Watson's mostly been looking adorable in Chanel at all the various associated events. Which is why she needs to sue Parade magazine for dressing her in this:

Unless I blacked out during a section of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix in which Hermione decided to chuck the whole wizarding thing and become a winsome tap-dancing orphan, this just makes no sense at all. I get the books -- since Hermione is brainy -- but what's with the top hat? She's not a MAGICIAN. She's a WIZARD. It's DIFFERENT.

Although I don't know why I'm all that surprised. Parade magazine is noteworthy mostly because it's so bad (sorry, Parade staffers. It's not your fault. I blame the crappy newsprint you're forced to work with). When I was a kid, my mother would read the Letters From the Readers section every weekend and get enraged because all the questions therein were SO STUPID and clearly chosen/faked because the person charged with answering said letters had some kind of beef he really wanted to passive-aggressively address that week. Like, one of them would be all, "Dear Parade, Could you please explain to me why every young actress in Hollywood today is a PANTY-LESS WHOOOOORE? When I was young, our actresses WERE PARAGONS OF VIRTUE. I AM APPALLED."  (This would run like three years after the panty-free fad had passed, of course.) And the answer would be like, "I WISH I KNEW. You are so right, reader. The youth of today DISGUST ME and I WEEP FOR THE FUTURE. It's the fault of all those dirty hippies who had children in the 70s. LOOK TO THE GREATEST GENERATION FOR GUIDANCE."  And then after my mother would complain about how Parade Magazine is totally out of touch, my father would complain about Marilyn Vos Savant ("she's clearly a fraud. What is the likelihood that the person with the world's highest IQ is named SAVANT?") and then we'd all eat pancakes.

Great, now I want pancakes. Thanks a lot, Parade.

EVANNA LYNCH: Oy, Rupert -- thanks so much for the pants and shoes! You're a peach. It's my first movie, and without you to loan me the proper clothes, I'd have had no idea what to wear in the photos. 

RUPERT GRINT: Don't worry about it, I've got plenty of ratty things you can borrow. The key is to look as grubby as possible, yeah? That way women want to hug you and take you home and clean you up.

EMMA WATSON: I look the best! I look the best!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE: God, this is uncomfortable. How am I supposed to smile with all this itchy cotton on? How am I supposed to show off my pelvic bone, then?

KATIE LEUNG: Bjork's new line of tights and matching shoes is SO GOOD. Seriously, Evanna, you should look into it.

EVANNA: No, Rupert told me I should look like a street urchin. Just because you were in the last movie doesn't mean you know as much as he does.

KATIE: At least I brushed my hair.

DANIEL: I mean, Harry's getting older -- isn't it about time we saw more of his manliness?

EVANNA: At least I'm not wearing a glorified drawstring sack, KATIE.

EMMA: No, seriously, you guys, pay attention to me -- I actually look the best of everyone! This is FANTASTIC! I DID IT!

RUPERT: Come on, ladies, don't you all just want to run your fingers through my messy hair and wash my clothes? Admit it.

DANIEL: I wish they'd take my clothes. They really get in the way of promoting your acting roles.

KATIE: Really? Because I actually have a whole second outfit hidden underneath my skirt.

DANIEL: Don't these people want to create buzz? Look, Evanna's dressed like the Artful Dodger. Maybe she can STEAL my clothes.

EMMA: Oh, shut up, Daniel. We're tired of hearing about that thing with the horse.

DANIEL: All I'm saying is, this suit MIGHT be rigged so that if you pull it in the right spot, it all drops off me.

EMMA: No thanks. Everyone already thinks we all fancy the pants off each other. I'm not giving them any picture evidence. Now shut up and smile.

I would like very much to comment on Emma Watson's dress, and how it looks like a set of mischievous Weasley Twins fireworks went haywire and blew up a bird sanctuary.

But, I'm afraid to say anything. Hermione Granger is the best wizard in her class, see, and Emma looks like she'd enjoy nothing more than to summon the wits of her alter-ego and blast me with some sort of disfiguring charm that makes me grow Alec Baldwin's body hair, Owen Wilson's nose, and Paula Abdul's brain. All of which I could cope with, except for the part where I'd be telling people their talent smelled like the perfume of a pegasus on the wind. Nobody should have to live like that.

Little Hermione Granger is turning into a such a pretty young woman. And yes, I realize that statement just added ten years onto my age. But it's true. However, Emma Watson clearly needs a Ginny Weasley in her life, because nobody's BFF would let them leave the house in this:

The dress itself is a little overly complicated -- a bit too "Hey, baby, climb up my trellis" for my taste -- but I can see how a teenage girl at her movie premiere might feel princessy and ethereal in it. But nothing excuses the stumpy flats. She could've looked very graceful and tall and elegant in ANY kind of heel, but instead she looks like she just padded out of her closet screaming, "IF RUPERT HASN'T CUT HIS HAIR I'M NOT GOING, BECAUSE HE IS NOT NOR HAS HE EVER BEEN A MEMBER OF THE MONKEES, SO IF YOU WANT ME THERE YOU WILL HAVE TO DRAG ME OUT OF HERE BY MY HAIR RIGHT THIS SECOND."

And maybe her mother or her agent or manager or whomever did just that, because the other inexplicable and highly preventable tragedy of this outfit is the shoestring headband.

The last time I saw a person with a shoelace tied around his head, it was an old man on Halloween in a bar. With his shoelace headgear, he was wearing those horrible tiny running shorts from the 80s, knee-high socks with his shoes, and a tank top. And while we played a friendly game of pool, Old Man Shoelace suddenly leaned in to me, slurred that he was once the greatest lover a woman could ever hope to find, said he's always known he was an incredibly handsome man and that being good-looking has been something of a tough cross to bear, and shoved his tongue into my ear while growling something I couldn't understand, in part because he was a drunk lunatic and in part because his saliva was obscuring my hearing.

This was not a good Halloween memory. And so Emma Watson is not, perhaps, in the best company here with that shoelace on her head. I would very much like to implore her friends and family to rescue her from Old Man Shoelace's fate. She has a bright future ahead of her. Save her from being an Ear-Tongue Bandit.

Oh my God, Emma Watson, why? WHY?

You are an adorable and lovely young lady! Why are you wearing...this? Are you uncomfortable out of your Hogwarts uniform? Because, frankly, I would rather you wore that around town than those jeans tucked into those flat boots. If you insist on the Jeans Tucked Into Boots thing, the boots need heels, or you're just going to look stumpy. Stumpy!

And the black shirt? So cute. BUT SO NOT A VEST. And if it WERE a vest, you shouldn't be layering it over WHAT LOOKS LIKE THERMAL UNDERWEAR. Let me be clear: I appreciate your girlish modesty. I am so pleased that your young boobies aren't falling out all over the place and that you're not prancing about with your thong waving in the breeze. But you just look so very confused in this outfit. So confused. So uncomfortable. So much like you need professional fashion help.

Surely there's something in your spell book that you can use to cook up a new stylist?

Why Puberty Is Hard, as overheard at a recent Harry Potter function:

Rupert Grint: Cripes, how can I see with all this hair in my face?

Emma Watson: I am about to burst into tears.

Daniel Radcliffe: I've suddenly developed an obsession with Morrissey, hence my monocromatic black ensemble.

Rupert Grint: "Rupert Grint" is a really terrible name, isn't it? I wonder if I can convince people to start calling me "Tony."

Emma Watson: Hasn't anyone noticed that I look like I am going to cry? Hasn't anyone noticed that I've been forced to wear my father's pants, turned into knickers? With trainers? Hello? Anyone? Won't anyone comfort me?

Daniel Radcliffe: I just realized that I am wearing an overly large polo shirt buttoned up to the neck. I feel very, very uncomfortable all of a sudden.

Rupert Grint: Also, Dan? You kind of need a hair cut.

Daniel Radcliffe: Thanks for the newflash, Shaggy. Why aren't you more concerned about my brows, which seem suddenly to be reaching Peter Gallagher-esque proportions?

Emma Watson: HELLO? Two seconds away from hot, fresh tears here! I am an ADORABLE GIRL and LOOK AT WHAT I AM WEARING.

Daniel Radcliffe: You do look a bit as though you raided Mary Stuart Masterson's closet from 1983. But with worse pants.

Emma Watson: You weren't even born in 1983, so why don't you shut up?

Daniel Radcliffe: Why don't YOU shut up?

Emma Watson: YOU.

Rupert Grint: I am just going to back away from this situation verrrry verrry slowly. If I escape now, maybe no one will notice that my trousers are both too long and rather dirty.

Emma Watson: [crying] I can see you trying to sneak off. It's because you're embarassed to be seen with me in these knickers, isn't it, Rupert? ISN'T IT?

Rupert Grint: No, it's because...well, actually, yes. They're really rather horrible. Why is the crotch so long? [TO SELF: Oh my God, did I just say "crotch" to a girl? I want to die.]

Daniel Radcliffe: Don't let him get to you, Emma. If this double decker bus behind us crashes into us, to die by your side? Is such a heavenly way to die.

Emma Watson: I want to go home.