Lily Allen

I mean, what poor, sad, troubled soul would wear a satin tribute to a bleeding deer... with THOSE SHOES? Clearly this girl needs help.

And yes, that IS Bambi, America's second-favorite orphan (behind Annie both alphabetically and in musical ability), up there being decapitated. I greatly look forward to the day when Disney releases the rest of its Macabre Fairy-Tale Wedding gows: the Beast being beheaded, Ariel being eaten with a plate of chips, Cinderella's glass slipper shattering and chopping her foot to smithereens, and of course -- THE HORROR -- Amy Adams shaving Patrick Dempsey's signature coif.

Look, ordinarily I would have second thoughts about posting a photo of Lily Allen when she is probably out running errands. Because -- and I know I've said this before, but still -- we have ALL been there, where we realized there was no Jif and no Diet Coke and nothing in the house with salt in it and PEOPLE SHOULD NOT LIVE LIKE THAT and so we ran out to Ralph's with no regard to what we had on or whether we had shaved our legs. It's just life.

However, we don't usually do any of those things in sweatpants overalls.

[Photo: INFDaily.com]

And I might even have let this slide as an off day (yes, I DO realize she's carrying a Nobu bag, but the image provider caption claims she was using it as a purse, so... yeah, never mind, it's still weird), if Lily hadn't recently caused a stir in Cannes by getting so drunk she couldn't hold up her head. It's all making me wonder if the booze and the peroxide are seeping into her mind somehow, and she's become convinced she's a nine-year old circa about 1987 who believes she's going to grow up to marry Richard Marx, and that they will hire an entire STAFF of people who are to do nothing but make sure her romper legs are rolled up evenly. Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Jay Manuel a walking testimonial to the perils of turning your hair an alien silver hue? Please tell me his common sense did not die in vain.

What is going on with Lily Allen?

If you dropped Pink into a John Hughes movie, this is what she'd look like, except probably with legwarmers. Maybe the ill-advised peroxide scrambled poor Lily's brain. Before today I thought the only thing Amy Winehouse had to teach me was that drugs are bad, mmmkay, but now I'm pretty sure she's also been silently preaching some serious gospel about how a torrid affair with hair bleach can often end in tears. Lily used to be so cute! Sassy! Spunky! Now it's like she's shuffling down to the the convalescent-home cafeteria because she refuses to miss Ambrosia Salad Monday.

So, I thought Lily Allen was cute to begin with, but I have to say she's been looking great lately. I know she's lost some weight because she allegedly has a heart murmur or something -- and I want to stress that I certainly didn't think she needed to lose it in the first place -- but apparently the introduction of cardio to her life agrees with her, because she is looking fantastic. I should remember this next time when I'm playing my favorite game, Tostito Or Treadmill? (Tostito usually wins. The treadmill is boring, while chips are FASCINATING.)

ANYHOODLE, she's looking cuter than ever lately, except for how I am really not sure what the deal is with this dress:

Like, from the collarbone up: AWESOME. From the collarbone down: Wow, that's a lot going on. The color is good on her, but I can't help picturing several kindergarten classes slaving away to cut out all those leaves to exactly the right specifications. Won't someone think of the children?

[Photo: Splash News]

LILY ALLEN: So, wait, let's go over this again -- am I supposed to be mimicking Kelly Osbourne in this video?

DIRECTOR: No, it's obviously very different. You have longer hair.

LILY: Right.

PURPLE-HAIRED GIRL: Does anyone want this welder's mask?

DIRECTOR: And different sunglasses.

LILY: Right.

DIRECTOR: And -- this is the really crucial bit -- different music.

LILY: Right.

DIRECTOR: So, not like Kelly Osbourne at all, actually.

P-HG: Or maybe it's a gas mask...? Might look kind of Armageddon-cool.

LILY: So let's get this straight. Yes, I like to flip-flop between cute dresses and bad trousers sometimes, but now I'm wearing a party dress and mangy Doc Marten boots, doing the whole punk princess bit that Kelly Osbourne sort of birthed back into the public consciousness and then Avril Lavigne might have ripped off. But because I'm singing different lyrics and my hair isn't the same, nobody will stop and wonder if maybe I'm being derivative?

DIRECTOR: Right!

LILY: Sure, whatever. I'm cute, I look quite thin actually, my hair's shiny... it'll be fine.

P-HG: How about a knee-high? Could make a nice glove.

DIRECTOR: God, you really get it.

P-HG: Thanks!

DIRECTOR: Not you.

Why has Lily Allen suddenly taken it upon herself to provide a constant visual aide to my Fugology Master's Thesis The Juxtaposition of  Proportion and Frame; A Layman's Guide to Avoiding Stumpiness?

It's nice of her to try to help, but seriously. Save yourself, kid.  Run from the stumpifying overly long and oversized shirt/dress/coat and those jeans that are crying out for a tailor's loving touch, Lily, run from them! They just want to make you look three feet tall and seven years old. You don't need that in your life. You need clothing that loves you, and makes you look less as though you've got some terrible wasting disease of the legs.  So, run. Run to a tailor! Run to a Barney's Denim Bar. Run! Run to properly proportioned pants/tops/coat-thingies. Run as fast as your wee stumps will carry you!

"Oh, dang it," Amy Grant appears to be thinking.

"I totally didn't mean to wear this out of the house. What can I do to distract people from my summer weight Texas Tuxedo? I know. I'll do The Robot."

But Amy's not the only one displaying an unfortunate top/bottom combination:

You read all kinds of stuff about how Lily Allen is an alcoholic,  is not an alcoholic, loves alcoholics, eats alcoholics for breakfast, yadda yadda yadda and while no one loves juicy, unsubstantiated gossip more than I do, at this point, I'm sort of like, "who cares? Let the girl have a tipple, and then maybe she'll tell me where she gets her frocks":

I'll float her bar tab all week in exchange for stealing this little number.

So, recently I've been reading a lot about how Lily Allen was all depressed and bummed because she feels like she's not cute enough, or something?  (Link goes to Perez, which may not be entirely Safe For Work, depending on your office.)  To which I say: this is patently absurd. Lily Allen is quite cute:

This is so simple, but I kind of covet it.  She looks crisp and youthful and casual, a bit retro, and basically adorable.   It's so summery that I have to shut down the computer immediately and go spend three days making love to Mr. Corona. 

Have a great Memorial Day weekend everyone (but especially you sailors up there with Lily)!  We'll be back on Tuesday, rested and ready to bitch it up.