Erika Christensen

I wonder how Erika here looked in the blue dress by itself.

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Tragically we will never know, because she appears to be prouder of her outerwear, which looks like the kind of 3 a.m. craft project that ensues when your boyfriend dumps you but he leaves his expensive camping gear in your hall closet, so in an insomniac trance you turn his outdoor sleeping bag -- strings and all -- into a poncho that you can wear on the couch while you watch Bridget Jones' Diary and marinate in woe. And then, when you feel better, you take it on the town in the hopes that he'll see it and get enraged and you can be all, "What? THAT old thing? My HOT NEW LOVER told me it would make a great jacket," and then you pour his beer over his head because you are not stupid enough to waste your own. All of which is great and all, but the ending would be happier if it didn't involve a girl floating off into the sunset looking like a giant black tent with legs.

JAIME KING: Remember when I used to date Kid Rock, and I was a clammy-looking kid who couldn't focus her eyes? Man, I have totally turned it around.

ERIKA CHRISTENSEN: I am totally going to smack this Rossum kid next to me. Seriously, I can't even look at her, in her little poofy white thing and all that face paint. My OC-6 would audit the HELL out of her snooty ass.

EMMY ROSSUM: If I can just sit here and look as human as possible, nobody will notice that I'm plugged into an outlet underneath my chair.

ERIKA: That's right, White Wedding, you sit there in your sheath and fan your pancaked skin. Don't worry about anything. Certainly not THESE BABIES right here -- I'm SURE nobody is staring at how huge they look in this dress. Heh-heh. Drink it in, photogs. Like sands through my hourglass, so are the days of your lives. Praise Xenu for a supple chest, and not a case of the ice princess's raging Dutch Elm Disease. I've eaten nails less brittle.

JAIME: ... KID ROCK, people. We didn't even wash our hair. NOBODY thought I was going to bounce back from that.

EMMY: Thank God for these frumpy white dresses -- they keep my motherboard cool and nobody can see my wiring. Now, what is it that real girls do, again? Fan themselves? Ignore their own kind? Wait, was I supposed to change my facial expression at some point in the last six months? ... Shoot. I think I need a software upgrade.

April 14, 2005

swimfug

Erika Christensen would very much like to run from whatever is scaring her, but unfortunately, her feet were devoured by recruits in a tragic Scientology accident:


[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

Three words, and you can all sing along with me at home: HEM. YOUR. PANTS.

Oh, and P.S., Betty White would like her bridge tunic back.

January 24, 2005

SwimFug

Erika Christensen has clearly had a break with reality:

In her mind, it's 1920. She's heading to a big 19th Amendment bash and she's casting her vote for Fugly P. Fugly of the Fugly party. You can tell she's a Fuglyist by the headband.

Also, the lace vest.

And the shoes.

And the way the hem of her skirt makes her look like she's squatting, when she's really standing up straight.

And the choker.

And the headband. Did I mention the headband? Because there is a headband.

I certainly hope the appeal of Prohibition comes quickly in Erika's reality, because it seems that she's been hitting the moonshine. And you know that stuff will make you go blind.

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