Jennifer Love Hewitt

As many nits as there were to pick at the Golden Globes, there were a lot of people who looked glorious. And in the spirit of karma, I've decided to spotlight a few of them. Although it might just be the soothing back rub Intern George just gave me; he does put a girl in a good mood.

Let's start with Sara Ramirez from Grey's Anatomy.

In addition to being a Tony-winning performer who held her own in that original star-studded Spamalot cast (check out "The Song That Goes Like This"; it's funny, and she's got a great voice), she is also, in my opinion, really wonderful and tough and funny on Grey's. And here, she looks like an old-time movie star, utterly glamorous in ruby-red with a sweetly feminine coif. (See, Cameron Diaz? It's possible to wear red lipstick and not look like a five-year old smeared it on for you.)

It's also refreshing to see her working a real woman's body. Forgive me if this is a pale retread of Jessica's America Ferrera entry of yesterday, which was brilliant, but the point bears repeating: Remember on Ally McBeal, when all the actresses skinnied up because they had to go to work every day with Calista Flockhart and it made them insecure? Well, the Grey's set has so far avoided such catastrophes, with Chandra Wilson and Ramirez (and to a degree Kate Walsh and Katherine Heigl) balancing out the very tiny Sandra Oh and Ellen Pompeo. I dearly hope none of them start emaciating themselves in a McBeal vein; in an interview, Ramirez once admitted that it was hard for her to watch the show in the early days because she felt she looked hulking, and that the underwear-dancing scene was a challenge to shoot for that reason -- and so she hired a trainer and has felt better about herself. And that's great and all, as long as it's for her health and not because she thinks it's required of her by the viewers or anyone else. Because Ramirez has been smoking hot from day one on that show, and she doesn't need to change a thing.

Another stunner who got almost no attention on any of the red carpet shows: Edie Falco.

Since she started communing with dead people on a regular basis -- which I realize is part of a fictional show, but the people at CBS apparently do not, as they recently sponsored commercial segments in which she answers as herself viewer questions about interacting with the dead; next they'll be selling on eBay the right to have your taxes done by Dav1d Krumh0ltz -- Jennifer Love Hewitt has more often than not made some dodgy fashion choices. Consider this: Us Weekly named her "Best Hollywood Body," or some similar compliment, so what did J.Lo.Hew do? She showed up in this:

I love that color. The dress is not far off from being cute, honestly; I just find it fascinating that Ms. Lo.Hew attended a celebration of her figure in a dress that dumpifies it -- indeed, goes out of its way to make her breasts look kind of saggy. In fact, in the issue itself in which Us hands out its hotly awaited awards that rival only the Billboard Music Awards in societal relevance, our favorite faux-medium (sorry, Patricia Arquette) says she she flatly refuses to wear skinny jeans because she knows they make her look pear-shaped. Clever girl. Too bad this thing is plucked from the same fruit bowl.

Because it's Friday, I'm going to pull back the veil of secrecy, and let you, my readers, in on one of the deepest, darkest, most closely held secrets of my soul. A secret that will ruin my cred as heartless bitch. A secret I hope you don't hold against me, but I surely couldn't blame you  if you did.

Sometimes, I watch The Ghost Whisperer.

And by "sometimes," I mean that I have a season pass set for it on my TiVo. And yes, I cry every time  I watch it. Look, we all do things we're not proud of, and I have a weakness for ghost orphans passing into the light. Okay? AT LEAST I'M NOT WEARING LEGGINGS! Anyway, part of what I enjoy about the show are the outfits that J Lo Hewitt wears. Her wardrobe is hilarious. She has about seventy-nine satin nightgowns, all of which she wears with full make-up -- including false eyelashes! -- and a beehive. No, really, she has a beehive all the time on that show. She wears some kind of ridiculous retro gown at least once a week, and on one memorable evening, she actually wore bloomers under a sort of Mary Had A Little Lamb outfit. HILARIOUS. And yet, she sort of pulls it off.  I have looked into my soul, readers, and asked myself if I would wear a beehive to work if I could get away with it, and the answer is YES. YES I WOULD. So I have a sort of shameful, SHAMEFUL soft spot for La Hewitt.  However:

Ugh. I have, as noted, a really high tolerance for the sort of retro-ladylike thing, but this looks like something the dowdiest, drabbest, most humorless, most obstinately virginal girl in high school would wear to the 1963 Enchantment Under the Sea dance.  The girl who wore this dress had a signed picture of Joe McCarthy in her locker, and dismissed the Beatles as  "fluff."  She enjoyed canned asparagus.  She didn't believe in lace on underwear.  She would never play MASH with you, and would only loan you her history notes after a long lecture about the importance of taking ones own notes, thereby making the borrowing of said notes totally not worth it.  She grew up to be the president of your home-owners association and right now she is making your life a living hell because she won't let you put a hot pink plastic flamingo on your lawn. Every day, you think about killing her and then feel guilty, because she's old and you shouldn't think about killing the elderly. What you didn't know was that she's ALWAYS BEEN OLD. Suffice to say, this is NOT the 1963 thing you want to be doing. If you're doing the 1963 thing, duh, you clearly want to be the hottest, chicest, sassiest girl from 1963, who still has really good hair and who once spent an April in Prague, living with a minor rock star. And J Lo Hewitt is usually pretty good at landing on the right side of 1963, but I guess even someone who can talk to the dead strikes out sometimes.

That said, I do like her false eyelashes.

Hello! I'm Jennifer Love Hewitt!

I just wanted to mention that it is PURELY COINCIDENTAL that I am snapped, fully made-up, reading with great and very apparent enjoyment each and every tabloid at least once a week.  It is also just pure chance that, whenever this not-at-all-staged photo is snapped, every week, I am gleefully holding up the magazine so that its title may be read clearly by anyone who happens to run across these pictures, especially if that person works for the magazine I am holding, and/or writes a feature called something like, say, oh, just off the top of my head, "Stars: They're Just Like Us," or something like that.  This is NOT AT ALL a set-up so that I can find myself back in the press, and I am, in fact, very offended that you would even think that. I would, however, like to inform everyone -- you know, just while I'm here - that I am already in wardrobe for that remake of I Dream of Jeannie that they're talking about, so if you want, I can totally do that for you and you wouldn't even have to pay a costume person, but if that doesn't work out, I'd also like to remind everyone that my boobs are very big and you can see them every Friday on CBS this fall in The Ghost Whisperer, in which I star. Yes, I am still alive, people are still hiring me, and if you feature me in your magazine -- based on these totally candid photos! -- I will probably make it worth your while! Thank you!

[Photo by Daily Celeb.]

J.Lo.Hew clearly wanted to look like a princess to herald her return to network television -- this photo was taken at a CBS shindig -- but instead she looks like she's wearing a child's art project: A cardboard bodice covered in crepe paper. The crease at the waist and the unflattering way it creeps past her hips are particularly notable for the unflattering spare-tire effect they achieve, while the top seems to mask and flatten the breasts she once couldn't stop yapping about; perhaps she simply felt vengeful because people remember them before they can recall anything she's contributed to society.

Either way: Her hair looks great, but from the neck down, she needs to do some serious mirror checks before leaving her lair.

A while back, Jennifer Love Hewitt spent a lot of time trying to convince people she was a rock star. We weren't fooled, nor were we interested. It didn't work.

Indeed, in the days thereafter and continuing through the present, the only press thrown J.Lo.Hew's way came/comes when she says something self-deprecating about her boob size. Which she started doing a lot.

You can whiff a bit of that desperation in her Grammy ensemble from 2004:

Her chest is very half-heartedly propped up by the peekaboo top, her thigh is presented to us like a Thanksgiving Day drumstick, and the whole thing looks a little bit like it was originally designed as a hybrid bikini/lounging dress for Kelly Taylor on Beverly Hills, 90210: The Beach Seasons. Indeed, if the Peach Pit After Dark ever opened a beach outpost, this is how the cocktail waitresses would dress.

Which is a shame for Ms. Lo.Hew, because as the number of stalled careers she's had begins to mount, it's probably best not to remind the world how well she'd do at the Grammys in 2005... as an after-party drinks server.