Kate Bosworth

Okay, first of all: WHY ARE THERE SO MANY WORDS ON THIS COVER? I can't FOCUS. I apparently should be: crying at work; eating more; worrying about organic foods scamming me; worrying about my sister secretly being a porn star; trying twenty-five new beauty products in the hopes of changing my life; worrying if dudes secretly hate my outfits, leading to my -- it is implied -- dying alone and under a bookshelf; worrying also about what my look says about me; worrying about whether or not I am a snob about my boyfriend's job; running out and buying a spring dress (that my boyfriend, it seems, will secretly hate), strappy sandals and a big bag; ALL while wondering what the deal is with Kate Bosworth and her quarter-life crisis. That is a TALL ORDER, people. I have a lot going on. I can barely read those many words, much less concern myself with all of them. But most importantly, can we finally please call a stop to the Famously Skinny Starlet Looks Sexily Exhausted And Hungry-style cover? I can't imagine Kate Bosworth wants people to look at her on this cover and think, "man, she looks really stressed and mildly resentful."  Unless this photo is supposed to be representative of how she looked mid-quarter-life crisis: beautiful, but very unhappy to be photographed. In which case, well done.

The pros: well, she looks really happy. The color's not terrible on her. It certainly ain't boring.

The cons:  those appear to be sock/gloves, I think that's aluminum foil, and I am concerned this whole thing may be constructed from cupcake liners.

Another pro: who doesn't like cupcakes?

Polished or Poofy? You make the call:

The humidity tried to beat us down on Friday, clenched its gnarled fists again on Saturday, and whupped us but good on Sunday. Still, it doesn't ruin our moods -- Bryant Park looks pretty, if crowded; the clothes are cute; the cold Diet Cokes go down like magic tonic; and there was a glut of celebrities taking in whatever shows they could before flying west for the VMAs. We are trying not to feel deserted.

Here are the highlights:

• Ivana Trump really should've been talking to Padma Lakshmi about Top Chef. It's what we'd have done. Well, no, we'd probably have sat there in silence thinking, "God, I really should be talking to Padma about Top Chef, but all I can do is stare at my pedicure and wonder why it's not holding up very well." But Ivana Trump doesn't have our problems.
• Somebody please give Candace Bushnell some nap time. Maybe All My Children can give her a holiday, like they did for the beguiling Leven Rambin.
• It's nice to see Nicole Richie continuing to class up her baby bump, even though we can't always see it.
• Kate Bosworth shouldn't do her hair that way. Couldn't Anna Wintour have counseled her?
• Kyra Segwick is wee.
• Janet Jackson looks fine, everyone. Let's just calm down about her ass.
• Demi Moore COULD NOT keep her hands off Ashton Kutcher. Not that w blame her. In fact, it was sort of endearing.
• Vincent Gallo is still gross; Samuel L. Jackson is still motherfuggin' awesome. And when they're in the same photo, it just makes them each look more like they belong in those categories.
• Poor Gossip Girl kid. She really needed a handler to make sure she got to the Peter Som show before it started.

We do wish we'd been able to see Molly Sims' whole outfit from the Max Azria show in the moment, rather than so far after the fact. Behold:

Something about Kate Bosworth's dress looks quite clean and sophisticated...

... and yet, something about it looks like her mummifier abandoned the job halfway through because he or she ran out of embalming fluid, and anyway, Top Chef was on, and you kind of have to watch that show while you're taking a meal break or else you'll get too unbearably hungry. Something of which Kate Bosworth might actually now be aware, since she looks a lot healthier than the last time we talked about her.

That doesn't change the fact that I can't decide whether this is sleek or a body bandage, but hey, it makes me feel good about the sandwich I'm about to make.

I must admit, I hesitated a bit before posting this photo because,  honestly, I think Kate Bosworth looks somewhat unwell, and it makes me sad.

But then I thought about it, and I wondered: is overlooking the travesty of pale-wash demin helping anyone, or are we merely compounding the problem by pretending that shirtdresses styled like the Guess jean jacket I sported in 8th grade do not exist? As my grandma used to say, you have to pick your battles, and while whatever else is going on with La Bosworth is beyond my sphere of influence, her dress is totally the kind of fug that I must take a stand against. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: if your mom wore it to your junior high school graduation, or, indeed, to any event at which "The Wind Beneath My Wings" was performed, you probably shouldn't wear it now.

Sometimes, you tap out.

Sometimes, you feel like you've said all you can say about leggings. And yet people persist on dragging them back into the fashion spotlight anyway.

And you think maybe you're fresh out of things to say about a men's gymrat tank top hanging loosely around a ratty lace underthing and a wan frame, with a big belt around the outside. You're not sure what you can add to the madness that has gripped these people. You want to bang your fists against the wall and take away their shopping privileges. You want to forcefeed them photos of themselves. You feel like: Why do I even have to say this? Don't people know? Don't they have photo albums from back in the 1980s, and don't they ever peek at them and think, "Wow, if only I knew then what I know now, I would never have put that on my body"? Didn't Kate Bosworth ever stop and think, "If this tank top is ten sizes too big, then maybe, just maybe, I don't need to put it on?" Does she not know how Bloomingdale's works?

And what of the matronly black boots with leggings -- what more is there to say about that? What, aside from wondering when jazzercise-wear crossed with hunting gear, can we add to the discussion of how stupid Kimberley Stewart looks in her barely dressed, haphazard, and yet calculated and publicity-desperate bid to be photographed anywhere, anytime, wearing anything, by anyone? Why wouldn't she wear a skirt with that shirt? Or jeans?

What's the deal, Kim? Have you been talking to Kate? Do you both have photos of Sienna Miller and M-K Olsen hanging on your wall, and you light a candle to them at night and get down on your knees -- without the pads on this time -- and whisper, "Please, sweet Jeebus, give me the courage to look like a lazy slob all the time, because one day, one day, someone will wake up and call it fashion"?

Yeah. It's like I said: Sometimes, you're just not sure what there is left to say.

The problem with Sienna Miller being declared some kind of fashion idol is that people subsequently start to believe it. And emulate it. And show up in public thinking that all you need to be considered a pixie-like guru of sartorial derring-do is a smattering of freckles, stringy blonde hair, and a mish-mash of stuff from any girl's circa-1993 Give To Goodwill closet purge.

It's a good thing I haven't eaten lunch yet, because this little fug buffet is all-you-can-eat. I think I'll start with the leggings, before cleaning my palate with the slouchy, saggy negligee-shirt that's two sizes too big. As a main course, I'll take the hastily thrown-on denim vest, a trend du jour that never really goes with anything despite people's fervent attempts to add it to everything, and then for dessert, it's Standard Big, Thick Brown Belt Slung Low About The Waist.

For God's SAKE, K-Bos, you are BETTER THAN THAT. Look -- even Orlando Bloom is wiping the tears of aggravation from his eyes. He's all, "Yeah, Kate, um... I already dated Sienna Miller once. Don't put me through it again."

Kate Bosworth is obviously depressed over the break-up of her relationship with Orlando Bloom. (Star Magazine put it best, I think, when they explained that "ORLANDO PICKED JOHNNY OVER KATE!" Apparently, she asked him to choose between being with her and doing Pirates II, and he picked Pirates II. Ouch. But I think we all know that you should never ask a man to choose between you and an eyepatch.)

Although I don't mind her tunic in theory, I do mind it with her cut-off demin capri-legging....thingies. In fact, I mind -off demin capri-legging....thingies in general. Especially with cowboy boots.  The "I'm Only Showing Six Inches of Leg,  And It's The Six Between The Middle of My Calf And My Knee" look isn't flattering on anyone -- it chops you up, and makes you look stumpy. Now, Kate Bosworth is too skinny to look truly stumpy, but she still looks....you know, choppy.

And depressed. Poor Kate.  Listen, doll, we've all been there.  Would it help if I told you, in secret, that I rather like your bag? Okay. But don't tell anyone I said so.  Here, have a bite of my sandwich. You need to keep your strength up.