Kelly Wearstler

October 17, 2008

Fug Design

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Just when I think to myself, "Self, surely Kelly Wearstler will never be able to top the get-ups she wore last week on Top Design," THIS happens:

Wait! Let's get a look at the close-up!:

Wait! Wait! Wait! Let's look at the wide shot!

YES. It's an honest-to-God turban! And masses of jewelry! And a square dress made from a pile of leaves! I kept expecting her to grab someone's palm and be like, "I see a trip over water... a mysterious, dark-haired man... a paddle ball tournament... and an incident with Baked Alaska." Sadly, that dream was not realized. Nor was my dream of seeing reaction shots of the rest of the judges from the first time they see Kelly walk out of her dressing room. India Hicks would be silently nonplussed. Jonathan Adler would do that tight, painful smile he does when he's thinking mean things about your design but doesn't want to be cruel and then say something cheerful like, "That turban reminds me of a lamp I once designed!" And Margaret Russell would just smile, nod briefly, and then silently walk away. Come on, Magical Elves. You know this is a good idea. Make my dream a reality. It would be almost as awesome as that turban.

October 3, 2008

I Cannot Fug With Your Design

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Okay, we need to talk about Kelly Wearstler. I am watching Top Design, but it's one of those shows that I watch while I do something else -- like read a magazine, or work -- so I have a tendency to glance up at the screen and gasp, "OH MY GOD" whenever I see what she is wearing on any given day. Let me be frank: her outfits are totally crazy. And yet...could you resist this? (One of these is my handiwork, the rest are from BravoTV.com -- you will NEVER be able to tell which is which.)

That is some truly spectacular work. I have never seen a woman so adept with the crimper or enamoured of crazy headgear. Or fingerless gloves. Or pins. And, listen, I know it might be wrong of me. It goes against all I stand for, and everything I hold dear. BUT I AM FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER. AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME. No! No, you cannot. We come from two different worlds -- I, sadly, own no sequined berets -- but since when has that ever delayed the course of true love/a shared affection for beehives? NOT EVER. Not on my watch.

October 24, 2007

Fugly Wearstler

KELLY WEARSTLER: Hey, Doc! Good to see you.

DR. CHANG: It's... interesting... to see you, too. On several levels.

KELLY: Ah, you don't like my dress.

DR. CHANG: Is that what the kids are calling it?

KELLY: Listen, I ate a lot of air to get these abs.

DR. CHANG: Yes, but I'm a BREAST SURGEON, doing important work to fight cancer, and I don't even see that much underboob every day.

KELLY: Well, but I had to do SOMETHING.

DR. CHANG: Why? Did your pelvic bone blackmail you?

KELLY: No, see, I forgot my hairstylist. And if I don't have my signature crazy hair, what am I? If I show up in the front row and nobody's view is blocked by my back-brushed curly cranial shrubbery, then do I even really exist?

DR. CHANG: So you... created a diversion?

KELLY: Exactly! Plus, my bod clearly has the top design.

DR. CHANG: You do know that making awful Top Design puns isn't magically creating any fond memories of that show. Right?

KELLY: Hey, I had to try.

March 23, 2007

Fug Design

I don't know how she manages it, but every week, Top Design judge Kelly Wearstler manages to out-fug herself. Even the Bravo Web site features her photo with the caption, "What's she wearing now?" And that's often what I say to myself when I'm watching the show, except with a lot more expletives, gleeful cackling, and a touch of evil Mr. Burns-esque finger drumming.

This week, during the episode in which the designers try to piece together a chef's room for guest judge Tom Colicchio -- whose presence was a painful reminder that I wish I had been watching Top Chef instead -- La Wearst actually took my breath away, and not in a wonderful way. The screen cap won't do it justice, but here's a peek at her glories.

[Pic from BravoTV.com]

Dare I say she puts the "worst" in "Wearstler"? I dare. Oh, do I dare. It's not that I'm super enamored of Jonathan Adler's sockless charms, although I do find him totally delightful as a person/character. But seriously, just LOOK at the lass in the middle! Behold the wonder of that pseudo perm, the ultimate light-socket coiffure! And the puffed sleeves! Whenever there was a close-up of her (why did I delete the episode before snapping a series of pics? WHY?) she and her crimson mouth looked like a wicked stepsister kicking ashes in Cinderella's face, or a bitter Victorian spinster who was systematically locking up the town's nubile lasses in her subterranean chamber of horrors in an attempt to scare the improper impulses out of them.

I can only pray that next week she descends upon the judging panel in an enormous muumuu and a mohawk.

March 15, 2007

Top Fug

So, I don't know if any of y'all are watching Top Design. It's one of those shows where every week I think to myself, "I don't know if I'm going to keep watching Top Design," but it shows up on my TiVo and I do watch it and there's at least one small moment that delights me and I can't cut the cord. Like a few weeks ago, Jonathan Adler squealed that he loved paint swatches and I was back in for another week. I ALSO love a swatch! The other good thing about it is that the judging is really sort of bitchy, which I appreciate. We want judges talking shit about cast members behind their backs! It's the whole point of competitive reality programming, shit-talking is. The other thing that is awesome, and by awesome, I mean crazy, are the outfits of one of the judges: designer Kelly Wearstler. Now, this woman has designed some great interiors in her time and there was a spread on her in Vogue about two or three years ago in which she was photographed out by her pool with her kids and she was wearing this amazing Eres swimsuit and I read the article and I was like, "this woman is so chic. I love her." So I know she has taste. And yet she keeps showing up in things like this:

[Photo via Bravo.TV]

Do I need to tell you which of these four people I am referring to? We've got a strapless gown last seen on one of my Barbie dolls, probably before I shaved her head (my Barbies led dramatic lives overly influenced by the daytime television I shouldn't have been sneaking. One of them threw a rival for Ken's affections down the elevator shaft of the Barbie Townhouse, for example, and I also remember telling my mother that the Barbies' smiling faces were inappropriate for the Barbie funeral I had to have after two of them jumped off the side of my bed in what seemed like a suicide pact, but which was actually just them faking their own deaths. My mom kindly gave me some black lace fabric scraps to make them veils for the funeral, and then cut off my access to All My Children), over jeans and a tee shirt. Seriously, just don't do that. Last week, she had all this crazy crimped hair, like, CRAZY, like CRAZY crimped, and prior to that, there was an incident with leg warmers. It is really kind of awesome, but in a way that is at best moderately deranged, and I spend a lot of time looking at her the way that fellow judge Margaret Russell is in this photo. The look says, "Girl, what are you doing?" Because, seriously, girl, what are you doing?

...Other than keeping me tuning in to see your crazy outfits. Is this all some kind of elaborate plot to hang onto viewers? Damn it! I hate it when I am successfully manipulated by the media!

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