I first saw this ad on a plane trip, and it was all I could do not to turn to one of the strangers on either side of me and say, "WTF? Have you seen this?"
[Photo: Splash News]
I mean, it's not like Candie's is known for deeply artistic and emotionally evocative ads that art, art history, theatre, English and photography students are going to rip out of their copies of W and stick on their dorm room cork boards between black and white photo spreads of Morrissey and the complete collection of those infamous Calvin Klein "Wow, These Turned Out Pornier Than Usual" ads, or whatever artsy college students are putting up in their rooms these days. (In addition to these cultural touchstones, my dorm-mates played a lot of Rent. I presume that slot is currently being occupied by Once soundtrack. Ah, college. Smoke all those cloves while you still can.) I mean, this is the company that ran an ad featuring Jenny McCarthy on the toilet:
And as much eye-rolling I did at that one back in the day, I'd venture to say that the McCarthy ad is almost cuter. It's a youth-oriented brand, and at least Jenny looks sort of fresh-faced and charmed by the fact that you're snapping a photo of her on the can. Hayden, on the other hand, looks like a Paris Hilton impersonator on her way to the 7th Annual Slap-Off, an event at which local entertainers compete to see who can put on the most make-up without his or her face actually sliding off. If I were feeling particularly bitchy, I might add that she also looks like she might be tempted to earn her Slap-Off entrance fee by putting in an extra hour on her regular corner. But that just seems mean.
Poor Hayden Panettiere.
[Photo: Splash News]
Despite falling ill with a particularly virulent case of the drabs -- augmented by a touch of co-star Kristen Bell's stumpophrenia -- Hayden bravely fought through her disease in order to give her scheduled speech to a bunch of student Eco-Ambassadors at an Earth Summit (for which she is more than qualified, having already successfully saved the world once as The Cheerleader Who Lived, which kind of puts all my recycling efforts to shame).
I know things are rough for Heroes lately, but seriously, they should have thought twice about making the end-of-season gift a subscription to Slacks Monthly. It's only enabling an illness that is cruelly tainting an otherwise cute young life. Somebody please get this girl some Spice Girls tickets so she can remember what it's like to live, really LIVE.
KRISTEN: HI THERE!
HAYDEN: Hey there, Kristen... um... that's an interesting look.
KRISTEN: Let's be friends! We have so much in common. We're both tiny. We're both blonde. We're both wearing black and white. We're THE SAME.
HAYDEN: Not quite the same, maybe, though, huh? For one thing... no offense but I look kind of great.
KRISTEN: But... but I don't look stumpy!
HAYDEN: No, but the ruffle is not good, hon. It looks like a terrible bib.
KRISTEN: What? SHUT UP.
HAYDEN: I'm just trying to help. I see where you were GOING with it, but it just kind of looks like you were sniffing glue one night and decided to use it on one of your little black dresses.
KRISTEN: I don't have to put up with this. I'M GOING TO GET YOU FIRED.
HAYDEN: Good luck with that. What with them saying "Claire is the key" a lot lately and making a whole SLOGAN about how they couldn't save the world without saving me first, well, I am pretty sure they are going to laugh in your face, babe.
KRISTEN: OH, well, THEY WILL COME AROUND. Once I pitch them my promo package where they show clips of me being all sparky while "Electric Youth" by Debbie Gibson plays in the background, I will be the queen of the show and you will be FIRED and I will clean out your trailer myself with this dress.
HAYDEN: That's fitting, since I'm pretty sure the bib ruffle cost you about as much as a rag. Have fun! I'm going to go take some pictures with Milo that will make people think we might be dating, so that we can deny it some more.
KRISTEN: Oh yeah? Well I'm going to go find Evil Sexy Sark because WE are dating ALLEGEDLY and he is way hotter and more interesting, and his fake accent will make the whole world's loins explode.
HAYDEN: You have a point there.
KRISTEN: You will never beat me, little girl. GAME SET AND MATCH to ME. Bib and all.
Hayden Panettiere looks AMAZING...from the neck up. Hard for her not to, really -- she's so pretty and young and nubile. Which is why I question her decision to raid Little Dakota Fanbelt's closet:
While I absolutely applaud her decision to go modest and demure, if I were as young and nubile as she is, and heading to the Emmys, and recently broken up with my boyfriend, I might have gone for something a bit less Napoleonic Courtier in the Third Trimester and something a little more self-contained. Although perhaps this is all part of her plan: she wanders into the awards and takes a seat near a dreamy young producer (or assistant, or actor -- it's good to be open-minded about these things), who promptly trods/sits on her dress.
"Oh, I'm so sorry" says the dreamy young man.
"It's no problem at all!" says Hayden.
"Say, aren't you....?"
"Why, yes. Yes, I am."
"I love your work. Tell me all about Jack Coleman."
And thus begins a beautiful new relationship. Clever. Very clever indeed.
[Source.]
Hayden Panettiere is learning the hard way just how penetrating a photographer's flash can be. Although, as lingerie goes, hers is relatively unrevealing; maybe she knew this thing would be transparent and was trying to be modest about it, as contradictory as that would seem. But I prefer to think Hayden is smart enough to read blogs and gossip magazines and say to herself, "Where crusty Lindsay Lohan goes, I am loath to tread."
Except, translated into 17-year old. So maybe more like, "Dude, Lindsay is f'ed. I know we have the same hair now, but seriously, slap me if you start seeing my boobs all the time." I want to trust the cute, clean, sensible image she generally projects, and therefore, I want to believe this was an accident, and she'll go to kind Steven Carrington -- aka Horned-Rim -- for advice one day on the set of Heroes, and he'll tell her that it's all just part of growing up and that she should stay strong (he will have just watched The Tyra Banks Show, see, and will have that advice at his fingertips) and not let this break her, but also, she should carefully protect her woman spaces since she's just a teenager still; then they will hug and she'll think, "Wow, my TV dad is, like, totally hot and wise; I should fix him up with Lauren Graham or something," and everything will be okay. Because there's nothing Steven Carrington can't fix. Nothing.
A book, huh? Is it just stuff you already put on the Web site?
Nope, we wrote the whole thing fresh, just for you.
Awesome. In that case, I want to read it!
Thank you! Click here to find out all the details!
