Hilary Swank Archives

October 21, 2009

Fug or Snore: Hilary Swank

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green

First of all, am I the only person that thinks this Amelia Earhart movie looks like a total snooze? I might be biased because I kind of hate Hilary Swank's hair in it -- which I know is historically accurate, so I should just shut it -- and her accent in the trailer sounds like she is having problems talking around a mouthful of fake teeth. Or maybe it's just all the scenery in her mouth. (You know that I'll probably LOVE IT after I see it, right? My first impressions are nearly always wrong.) So, I know that I am deeply biased in thinking this is also a snoreathon:

I mean, okay, look: the dress is gorgeous, ostensibly. I can't really say anything bad about it. It's pretty. I just feel like there's no HERE HERE. There's no THERE THERE. There's no ANYTHING ANYWHERE. Girlfriend needs some jewelry or...something. Before I lose consciousness.

poll by twiigs.com

May 19, 2009

Fug or Fab: Hilary Swank

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Yeah, yeah, yeah. Objectively, she looks totally fine. The dress is great. Yadda.

And yet it leaves me cold. And I don't know why. The color is fine. The fit is fine. I am not a huge fan of the graduated hem, but whatever. I think part of the problem, for me, is that the shoes match so perfectly that it gets is a bit bridesmaid-y for me, although obviously this outfit would be for a wedding in which the bride really was trying to bankrupt her attendants, as I'm sure both dress and shoes cost more than my car. I don't know. I really can't put my finger on it. Something about this look prompted in me the kind of reaction you get when you sit down to a dinner that you've slaved over and you realize that the 2 hours you just spent in the kitchen have someone made you utterly disinterested in eating the meal you prepared: I realize it's been artfully created, I appreciate it on a technical level, I hope and expect others to love it, and I just kind of don't want anything to do with it and would rather have an ice cream cone.

poll by twiigs.com

May 5, 2009

Met Ball Fug Carpet: Hilary Swank

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BORING,
orange

You know how America's Next Top Model has done a lot of group photos recently? Like, where they make an overly complicated setup and then tell the model that in order to have a successful photo, she has to draw everyone's attention to her and away from all the extras? I think Hilary Swank would've failed that challenge.

I want to know if that's actual top model Coco Rocha in the gold dress, and whether it's really made of scales. I want to know more about the girl in the hot-pink-heeled shoes and white dress with bodice decorations that look like recycled candy wrappers. I even want to see the front of the purple dress on the girl standing to Hilary's left. ALL of that is more interesting to me than La Swank and her miserable orange outfit. The bodice makes her boobs look depressed, and the rest of it seems all caught up in itself and messy and as if she's so rife with static cling that she could walk up and touch a lamppost and the ensuing electric spark would light up the whole of New York for two hours. And yet... it also manages to be boring. Quite an achievement, Hilary. But maybe I sold her short -- I mean, the fact that I devoted this many sentences to her just proves she DOES somewhat stand out in the crowd, if perhaps not in the way she intended.

September 12, 2008

The Fug Row

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The following took place between 6:21 p.m. and 6:22 p.m.

HILARY SWANK: Dude is that... John Legend?

DIANE KRUGER: It is. Why is he wearing his tie hanging out over his sweater?

HILARY: I was just going to ask you the same thing! That's so Milhouse to me.

DIANE: I'm not even sure what I'm doing here. I am probably never in my life going to wear Tommy Hilfiger.

HILARY: Yes, you're way too avant-garde for this. Although I noticed you're mixing plaid and polka-dots, so clearly you're finding a way to make Hilfiger weird.

DIANE: And you're wearing a terrible haircut. The Fug Girls are going to make a crack about how it looks like you're going to play Matt Damon in a movie about his rise to fame.

HILARY: Yeah? Well, nice boots, Julia Roberts. Heading out to work the Boulevard later?

DIANE: Oooh, good one, Renee Zellweger.

HILARY: YOU TAKE THAT BACK.

DIANE: Ha ha! Gotcha!

HILARY: My hair looks much thicker than hers, I'll have you know.

DIANE:I really don't understand why you haven't grown it out yet. You can't STILL be playing Amelia Earhart. Nobody needs THAT many takes to get it right.

HILARY: Wow. You are... wow. I have two Oscars. Want to borrow one so that you know what it feels like?

DIANE: Oooh, burn. I'm bored of you, Mr Ripley.

JOHN LEGEND: Damn, you know what would taste good right now? Nachos.

May 21, 2008

Million Fug Baby

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I thought Hilary Swank was making a movie about Amelia Earhart, but it seems I was wrong. She's clearly making a Lifetime movie about a small town local news anchor with big dreams of becoming the next Katie Couric:

But of course her well-ordered life of supremely sensible hair and cotton-blend pantsuits is turned upside down when her fiance, the local police chief (played by Grant Show), is arrested for murdering a young prostitute who turns out to be the child Hilary Swank gave up for adoption years ago, and her comfortable suburban life goes up in FLAMES! It's called But First: Reporting Live: Not Without My ING Sweater Set: The Mary Katherine Elizabeth Houlihan Story and it's premiering right after they show both Menendez brothers mini-series in an eight-hour block. I can't wait!

February 25, 2008

Oscar Fug Carpet: Hilary Swank

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Hilary Swank is someone who should probably avoid making statements -- I wasn't a fan of the navy backless dress the year she won for Million-Dollar Baby, and of course there was that pre-GFY Academy Awards to which she wore a pink minidress wrapped in full-length tulle. It's like she thinks we still don't Get It that she's attractive and womanly, but in fact, we do.

So I was relieved she stayed away from statement dressing -- for her sake, of course; OBVIOUSLY we were hoping she'd show up in a piñata. But in the end I still don't think I'm entirely on board with what she picked.

The translucent skirt is sort of fine, but I'm not wild about the way she's woven into it, nor how the design makes it look like the cross-hatching is slowly coming undone and will eventually leave her semi-nude in a big swinging, filmy black drape. And my early interest in the bodice wore off the longer I stared at it, at which point it began looking like arachnids on parade.

And then, of course, there is the close-up.

Continue reading Oscar Fug Carpet: Hilary Swank.

January 22, 2008

Million Fug Baby

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Okaaaaaay:

I have been rendered (temporarily) speechless right here. This is like some kind of bizarre bare-midriff compromise, like Hilary really REALLY wanted to wear a skirt and a bikini top, and Mr. Armani was like, "Hmmm. That is an INTERESTING idea. You are clearly...inspired. Yes. That's what we will call you. Inspired. Why don't we save that for some other time?" And Hilary was like, "NO! We are only on year six of my Ten Year Hilary Swank: SHE SO GIRLY Master Plan. BIKINI TOP! BIKINI TOP!" And Mr. Armani was like, "God, drama queen, okay. Settle down. Can I distract you with some illusion netting? Nothing is more feminine than figure skating! Or doilies! What do you think?" And then he waved those shoes in front of her face and she was hypnotized and agreed.

June 6, 2005

MTV Movie Awards Red Carpet: Hilary Swank

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frumpathon,
orange

"Good evening, America. I'm Hilary Swank. Before we talk about my outfit, let's talk about all the things I have going for me:

I have great hair, seriously. Really great. And fantastic white teeth. A smoking body. I seem, by all accounts, to be a lovely, down to earth person. I was on 90210, and if my two Oscars didn't convince you that I could act, maybe you need to think about how hard it was to convincingly portray someone in love with STEVE F'IN SANDERS. Did you SEE the 'fro-mullet on that kid? Painful. Seriously.

Where was I? Right, two Oscars. And I'm seemingly happily married to Chad Lowe, which means that in addition to being all loved and supported and shit, I get to see that dreamy Rob at all the family functions. I generally seem like a decent sort overall. So things are good with me, right?

Which means we can all sort of just pretend I didn't suffer a massive head injury and decide to wear this unfortunate Rhoda Morganstern cast-off, right? RIGHT?

Come on: I HAD TO MACK ON SANDERS. Doesn't that buy a girl ANYTHING AROUND HERE?

Excellent. Thanks. I swear, I'll do better next time. See you at Astro Burger! I'm buying."

Hilary Swank

Fug or Snore: Hilary Swank

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Fug or Fab: Hilary Swank

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Met Ball Fug Carpet: Hilary Swank

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The Fug Row

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Million Fug Baby

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Oscar Fug Carpet: Hilary Swank

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Million Fug Baby

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MTV Movie Awards Red Carpet: Hilary Swank

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