Oh, Julianne Moore! Part of me is just in love with this. I love it when you go all John Singer Sargent on us:
And part of me feels like there's just too much happening on the bodice, in a way that screams, "I literally just walked off the set of the film I'm currently making, based on a previously undiscovered Henry James novel, in which my character makes a lot of minor but horrifying social errors, eventually marries a mean nouveau riche man for money in the hopes of making her enemies pay, but still suffocates under the far-reaching demands of Polite Society and instead of running off to Italy, eventually drowns herself in a lake." Plus, then it's sheer from the knee down. THE SCANDALE!
I have had many a conversation over the past week or so about this cover, and they all go something like this: "She looks hot! But the whole thing is sort of unseemly. But it's FRENCH! But it's just TOO MUCH. But maybe it's SEXY. But it's also sort of creepy. But that color is great. But I don't need to see her in this S&M panties-coordinated-with-belt thing. But at least it's interesting! But it makes me feel sort of uncomfortable. But maybe that's the point! But I hate it. No, I love it. No, it's terrible. No, it's AWESOME. No. Yes. No. I don't know. GOD, WON'T SOMEONE PUT IT TO A VOTE?!"
Your wish is my command, dear reader:
Julianne Moore, you delightful redhead. I adore you and your russet mane. I also like saying "russet mane," as though I were a romance novelist, because that seems like it would be a fun job to have, if only for all the euphemisms you'd get to come up with. There is a bit of romance missing, however, in Moore's latest dress:
SO close, and yet not quite -- sort of like the clothing equivalent of your field goal clonking off the uprights in the wrong direction. I myself am rather up-and-down, so I feel her pain, but there's something about this that just makes her look slightly boxy and a bit bland. Kind of like a mini-wheat. I hate to sound like David Spade in those old SNL skits about the Gap salesgirls (fellow elderly readers know of what I speak), but maybe she needs to just cinch it with a belt? Awesome necklace, though. Very romance novel worthy. I can see those gracing the cover of Roderigo's Windswept Family Jewels, easy.
Julianne Moore is lovely and beautiful and she seems like she'd be a totally delightful person to be stuck in an elevator with (which is often my measuring stick of People I Do Not Actually Know. It is surprising who you realize might be entertaining in an elevator. Like, I think it might be amusing to be stuck in an elevator with Kid Rock, for example. But I don't really want to be stuck in an elevator with, say, Oprah, as famous and all-powerful as she is. I don't think she'd be very chatty). And she looks great here, along with fellow chic hot ass Ellen Barkin:
But earlier in the evening, La Moore was kind enough to demonstrate for us The Heartbreak of Stumpitude:
Julianne Moore, what gives?
This is a prime example of someone with SO MUCH right about her -- pretty red hair! Creamy unblemished skin! Dimples! Talent! The ability to somehow make people forget that she was in both Nine Months AND that terrible movie where David Duchovny decided that the best way to make people stop thinking of him as Agent Mulder was to appear in a film in which he's investigating aliens with the help of a small redhead! -- who goes SO VERY WRONG.
Let's have a frank moment, you guys. I love Julianne Moore. You love Julianne Moore. I'm sure Julianne Moore's parents and friends and husband and neighbors love Julianne Moore. But she's wearing essentially an ill-fitting pea coat over tights. This works only if you're about to rip it off and burst into something originally choreographed by Bob Fosse. And while it's true that I wasn't actually AT the Met Costume Institute Gala Ball Party Bus Beer Boat or whatever it's actually called, I am pretty sure that no one made Julianne Moore perform.
A book, huh? Is it just stuff you already put on the Web site?
Nope, we wrote the whole thing fresh, just for you.
Awesome. In that case, I want to read it!
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