It's not that I hate things that are sparkly.
It's that I think Eva Mendes may have arrived at this event via confetti cannon.
It's that I think Eva Mendes may have arrived at this event via confetti cannon.
Eva Mendes
November 6, 2009
Fug or Fab: Eva Mendes
September 9, 2009
Fug or Fab: Eva Mendes
NICOLAS CAGE: Hello, special lady.
EVA MENDES: Hi, Nic. Is there something on your face?
NICOLAS: It's my new, wholly mature facial scruff. Is there something on your crotch?
EVA: Just my dress.
NICOLAS: Are you sure it's not a special awards rosette? Did your crotch win a prize?
EVA: Yes. It was named a national treasure.
NICOLAS: Was it?
EVA: No, idiot.
NICOLAS: Are you sure? Because I was just saying the other day that my National Treasure franchise needs a third part. National Treasure: Crotch of Lies? National Treasure: Woman-Cave of Mystery? National Treasure: Enigmatic Lady-Labyrinth?
EVA: You are talking nonsense that is even weirder than your hair is whenever you're in a movie.
NICOLAS: WELL. If you're going to get personal, I'll point out that I'm pretty sure the cut of that dress went out of style two years ago.
EVA: Petulance doesn't suit you.
NICOLAS: I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?
EVA: Right.
September 3, 2009
Unfug It Up: Eva Mendes
It is a measure of how much I secretly love The Rachel Zoe Project that, in looking at this, all I can hear is Rachel saying in a frantic tone that she needs to find something for Eva to wear to Venice, while Taylor pulls her hair over her face and looks put-upon and Brad looks sympathetic and slightly nervous.
I must admit that, while I don't wholly dislike this -- I don't THINK -- I am neither dying, nor am I going bananas. I think, for me, the big issue is that she seems under-accessorized (though you'd think the pattern on this dress would be accessory enough), and I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate the headband. I just want to snatch it off her head and drive away in that boat. Eva Mendes is not Blair Waldorf and while I love Blair Waldorf as much as the next girl: Thank god. If I learned anything from the last Fashion Week, it's that most grown-ass women in twee headbands look ridiculous and I feel like...this is bearing that out. But what about the rest of it? Do you love? Hate? Feel the crushing ennui of total indifference? Are you concerned that the fabric was inspired by the collected leggings of Van Halen? You get to play Rachel Zoe in this scenario, so play nice and get to work.
I must admit that, while I don't wholly dislike this -- I don't THINK -- I am neither dying, nor am I going bananas. I think, for me, the big issue is that she seems under-accessorized (though you'd think the pattern on this dress would be accessory enough), and I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate the headband. I just want to snatch it off her head and drive away in that boat. Eva Mendes is not Blair Waldorf and while I love Blair Waldorf as much as the next girl: Thank god. If I learned anything from the last Fashion Week, it's that most grown-ass women in twee headbands look ridiculous and I feel like...this is bearing that out. But what about the rest of it? Do you love? Hate? Feel the crushing ennui of total indifference? Are you concerned that the fabric was inspired by the collected leggings of Van Halen? You get to play Rachel Zoe in this scenario, so play nice and get to work.
July 28, 2009
Fug or Fab: Eva Mendes
On one hand: how charming! How garden party! How Betty Draper before you realize that beneath her shiny veneer roils a boiling vat of frustrated, tragic desperation that I have long feared will end with someone's head in an oven!
On the other hand: must those flowers be SO symmetrical that they -- to rapidly switch metaphorical gears -- somehow manage to remind of me of the scene in Sleeping With the Enemy where Julia comes home to find....HER CANNED GOODS ARE ALPHABETIZED!!!! and therefore she's about to get murdered? Some things should be haphazard, and floral prints and canned yams are two of them.
On the other hand: must those flowers be SO symmetrical that they -- to rapidly switch metaphorical gears -- somehow manage to remind of me of the scene in Sleeping With the Enemy where Julia comes home to find....HER CANNED GOODS ARE ALPHABETIZED!!!! and therefore she's about to get murdered? Some things should be haphazard, and floral prints and canned yams are two of them.
April 30, 2009
We Own the Fug
Oh, honey.
I don't know where your girlfriends were when you tried this on, but you needed their help. Surely, you have someone in your life who will tilt her head to the right and say, "hmmmm. I don't LOVE it," or, "I don't know. It does something weird to your waist," or "Oh GOD NO," because if you don't think some associate editor at some tabloid hasn't pulled this picture in hopes of running a story titled, "EVA'S BABY JOY" you are sadly mistaken.
Note: if you are, in fact, in the throes of BABY JOY, congrats, and now we all know. But if, in fact, you are merely in the throes of digesting a delicious sandwich, maybe next time try something with a bit more structure, don't you think? Excellent. I knew you would be reasonable about this.
I don't know where your girlfriends were when you tried this on, but you needed their help. Surely, you have someone in your life who will tilt her head to the right and say, "hmmmm. I don't LOVE it," or, "I don't know. It does something weird to your waist," or "Oh GOD NO," because if you don't think some associate editor at some tabloid hasn't pulled this picture in hopes of running a story titled, "EVA'S BABY JOY" you are sadly mistaken.
Note: if you are, in fact, in the throes of BABY JOY, congrats, and now we all know. But if, in fact, you are merely in the throes of digesting a delicious sandwich, maybe next time try something with a bit more structure, don't you think? Excellent. I knew you would be reasonable about this.
January 12, 2009
Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Eva Mendes
You know, I was well on my way to liking Eva Mendes' outfit.
But the giant coffee filter stapled to her hip kind of harshed my buzz.
But the giant coffee filter stapled to her hip kind of harshed my buzz.
December 18, 2008
Fug Spirit/Well Played, Eva Mendes
Although my irrational and probably totally unfair distain for Sarah Paulson has been well-documented herein, I have to admit that I feel sorry for her this morning. She arrived at the premiere of The Spirit last night in this:
I actually think the dress itself is lovely. But it is not a good color on her, and she's doing herself no favors with her makeup (she needs MORE of it, I think, because otherwise this yellow makes her look super washed out, and sallow), not to mention this bizarrely stern Elmira Gulch-y schoolmarm expression, which she's sporting in nearly every picture.
Maybe she was cranky because she thought she was going to be the only one rocking the canary last night, and then Eva Mendes showed up in this:
Continue reading Fug Spirit/Well Played, Eva Mendes.
December 10, 2008
The Fuggit
SCARJO: Well well, Eva. We meet again.
EVA MENDES: Can you believe we're both in this shitty-looking movie? The trailer is terrible.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON: I MOTHERF*&%ING LOVE IT.
SCARJO: Aren't you going to compliment my outfit, Eva? Don't I look better? Older?
EVA: Oh, sweetie. No. I mean, again, it's FINE, but... red lipstick doesn't make you look adult if you pair it with that hemline and that severe hair. Are you three feet tall? Is this your seventh-grade spring formal?
SAMUEL L.: GET THAT MOTHERF*&%ING HEMLINE OFF YOUR MOTHERF*&%ING SHINS.
SCARJO: Really? Dammit. There is no pleasing you people. At least the rest of it doesn't look like a spotted bedsheet...
EVA: Well, I just knew I wouldn't have to try that hard, because you'd do something weird and Samuel L. would wear velvet pants and I'd be the big winner no matter what. Plus, my shoes are amazing.
SAMUEL L: THOSE MOTHERF*&%ING SHOES SAVE THE WHOLE MOTHERF*&%ING OUTFIT. I AM MOTHERF*&%ING FEELING IT.
EVA: See?
SCARJO: I hate you all.
December 5, 2008
Fug or Fab: Scarlett Johansson
Sigh. It has been what I will charitably refer to as A Week. So of course I would want to use a photo of ScarJo and Eva Mendes together, and of COURSE only one such photo would exist, and OF COURSE it would be the one photo that is not in our subscription. See, I don't have a whole lot to say about Eva Mendes on her own -- my feelings have been summed up in a story I already told on this site, about how a preview for her own MOVIE misspelled her name because clearly nobody was interested enough to spell-check it -- so I was counting on ScarJo to liven things up for us. But no.
And then I realized, screw it, y'all. It's Friday. I am in no mood, Universe. So I am going to MAKE THEM stand next to each other.
EVA: Oh, hey, Scarlett.
SCARLETT: Hi! God, you look fabulous. That dress is amazing on you.
EVA: That is so true. I'm totally smoking hot!.
SCARLETT: ... You're supposed to reciprocate the compliment, I think.
EVA: Oh, well, right, of course. Your dress isn't BAD at all, really. In fact it's way better than the micro-mini and refried-bandanna top you just wore yesterday. But I have to ask: Are you by any chance using the same stylist as Dakota Fanning?
SCARLETT: No! But even so, Dakota is adorable.
EVA: Yes. But she's also, like, a ninth-grader. You're married with cleavage. You could be wickedly scorching, like me, and instead I feel compelled to take you to an Easter egg hunt.
SCARLETT: Are you quite finished?
EVA: No. Here's another: I look like your wicked sexy English teacher and you look like you're writing a sequel to Our Town for your final project.
SCARLETT: You're nuts. I don't look that crazy childish.
EVA: Do too.
SCARLETT: Do not.
EVA: Do TOO.
SCARLETT: DO NOT.
EVA: DO TOO.
SCARLETT: DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT. MOOOOOOM!
EVA: Aha! See? I told you. I said you were channeling a ninth-grader and I'm totally right. I think I wore that to my junior-high graduation, come to think of it.
SCARLETT: Well, congratulations. I am not going to talk to you any more. No notes in your locker, no picking you for my team in volleyball, no sharing the same Bunsen burner. NOTHING. HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?
EVA: Actually, I feel great. And I certainly look fantastic, so hey, everybody wins! And by "everybody," I mean me.
SCARLETT: Oh, you're a lunatic. The public will defend me!
And then I realized, screw it, y'all. It's Friday. I am in no mood, Universe. So I am going to MAKE THEM stand next to each other.
EVA: Oh, hey, Scarlett.
SCARLETT: Hi! God, you look fabulous. That dress is amazing on you.
EVA: That is so true. I'm totally smoking hot!.
SCARLETT: ... You're supposed to reciprocate the compliment, I think.
EVA: Oh, well, right, of course. Your dress isn't BAD at all, really. In fact it's way better than the micro-mini and refried-bandanna top you just wore yesterday. But I have to ask: Are you by any chance using the same stylist as Dakota Fanning?
SCARLETT: No! But even so, Dakota is adorable.
EVA: Yes. But she's also, like, a ninth-grader. You're married with cleavage. You could be wickedly scorching, like me, and instead I feel compelled to take you to an Easter egg hunt.
SCARLETT: Are you quite finished?
EVA: No. Here's another: I look like your wicked sexy English teacher and you look like you're writing a sequel to Our Town for your final project.
SCARLETT: You're nuts. I don't look that crazy childish.
EVA: Do too.
SCARLETT: Do not.
EVA: Do TOO.
SCARLETT: DO NOT.
EVA: DO TOO.
SCARLETT: DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT. MOOOOOOM!
EVA: Aha! See? I told you. I said you were channeling a ninth-grader and I'm totally right. I think I wore that to my junior-high graduation, come to think of it.
SCARLETT: Well, congratulations. I am not going to talk to you any more. No notes in your locker, no picking you for my team in volleyball, no sharing the same Bunsen burner. NOTHING. HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?
EVA: Actually, I feel great. And I certainly look fantastic, so hey, everybody wins! And by "everybody," I mean me.
SCARLETT: Oh, you're a lunatic. The public will defend me!
August 28, 2008
The Fugen
I was talking to my friend Grant yesterday about this remake of The Women Eva Mendes is in, and how I am really not very interested in it, in part because the casting makes me feel like I just tripped and fell into 1995 (Eva Mendes aside, actually), but also because the sentence, "Eva Mendes takes over the Joan Crawford role" makes my blood run ice cold, and surely makes Joan Crawford's ice cold blood run hot as she attempts to claw out of her grave to go smack Eva Mendes around. The more I think about it, the more I kind of don't get Eva Mendes in general. Nor, I must, confess, do I entirely get this:
Are those staples? Did she just escape from a stint as a celebrity Project Runway model for a challenge involving only items found at Office Max? Or was this once some wildly floaty gown and while she was looking at herself in the mirror at home she realized it was far too vast and did some quick and dirty home-seamstress work? Because maybe she shouldn't quit her day job, in that instance, after all.
Are those staples? Did she just escape from a stint as a celebrity Project Runway model for a challenge involving only items found at Office Max? Or was this once some wildly floaty gown and while she was looking at herself in the mirror at home she realized it was far too vast and did some quick and dirty home-seamstress work? Because maybe she shouldn't quit her day job, in that instance, after all.
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