Pussycat Dolls

October 15, 2009

Melfugdy Thornton

You know, I understand why Robin Antin is letting the other Pussycat Dolls out of the barn every once in a while. If Nicole Scherzinger ever decides to go solo again, they are up shit creek, because nobody cares about any of the other faceless minions. But the problem is, when your pussycats run around unsupervised, this happens:

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The rest of this outfit might be totally fine, for all I know. I can't tell. My brain shorts out when I get to her lipstick. It's like she personally juiced Violet Beauregard.
October 1, 2009

Fuglycat Dolls

Kimberly Wyatt, AKA The Pussycat Doll Who Is Currently The Only Pussycat Doll Leaving The House Which, If You Think About It, Is Kind of Weird, is deeply perplexing:

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[Photo: Splash News]

Like, this is surely not the first time I've noted that a celebrity is wearing something previously modeled by Frank, the dude who lives in my alley, but it is definitely the first time I have meant it. 


September 17, 2009

Melodfug Thornton

I'm not sure what to make of this.

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Pussycat Doll Melody Thornton is clad with an almost nunlike severity and austerity, except that her rosary is stuck down by her crotch. Having Jesus hang from a cross that is itself swinging gently across your genitals strikes me as... what's the word... ah yes: Wrong.

September 3, 2009

Fug or Fab: Kimberly Wyatt

I am loving Kimberly Wyatt lately -- not for her clothes so much as for the fact that I think she is making a strong play for Fug Madness inclusion, and who doesn't love some new Fug Madness blood? In fact, I find myself spending a fair amount of time wondering which upstart will upset Lohan next? (Poor Lindsay: can't even get to the final four in Fug Madness. Things would really turn around for her on all kinds of fronts if she would just make an effort.) Like, look at this:

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[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

It's both kind of great AND kind of crazy. It's gorgeous...and it has muttonchops. It would be rather dull without the ruffled fabric sideburns....but it's lunacy with them. I love it...and I find it ridiculous. TELL ME HOW TO FEEL.

August 27, 2009

Fugberly Wyatt

I wonder if Nicole Scherzinger is trying to get out of the Pussycat Dolls again. You'd think after her terrible and poorly received solo album, she'd have abandoned dreams of Beyoncedom -- but given that Kimberly Wyatt here seems to be working overtime to get some face recognition lately, maybe she's being dispatched strategically so that if Nicole DOES leave, people will have a vague idea who one of the remaining band members is.

Certainly she is making herself unforgettable.

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It takes balls to dress like you just covered yourself in glue and then shot yourself out of a confetti cannon. If Dolly Parton did the costumes for Where The Wild Things Are, they would look like this.
August 19, 2009

Pussyfug Dolls

FROM: ROBIN ANTIN
TO: MELODY THORNTON
RE: Your outfit of last night, as snapped waiting for the valet at Katsuya
Attachment: said outfit:

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[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

Dear Melody,

It has come to my attention that -- despite years of my careful training -- you have forgotten what properly constitutes a Schoolgirl Outfit in the Pussycat Dolls milieu. I can not stress to you enough that, no matter where you go, you are always representing the Pussycat Dolls and thus must always dress appropriately. I thought we covered this adequately after the debacle when you went to Whole Foods in jeans and a tank top, but apparently not.

Of course, as you know, the beret and knee high socks are mandatory and thank you for not being willfully disobedient in that arena. However, Melody, don't even pretend that you are unaware that your blazer needs to be fully unbuttoned and worn over a lacy bra (or bustier, in winter). Likewise, although your shorts are mercifully appropriately scant, your Pussycat Dolls Wardrobe Guidelines are extremely clear on this subject: you need to be wearing a short, pleated skirt (preferably plaid). Finally, you seem to be wearing clogs like some kind of healthcare professional, rather than the mandated high boots or patent leather mary janes.

Melody, I'm sure you can understand how disappointed I am in this behavior. You look merely bizarre, but not trashy and that is wholly unacceptable for a Doll. If this sort of selfish flouting of the rules continues, I will have no choice but to consider disciplinary action.

Yours,

Robin

August 13, 2009

Carmit Fugchar

Sweet, sweet Carmit, a.k.a. The Mannish Redhead Who Quit The Pussycat Dolls And Has Since Dropped Off The Radar:

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On the one hand, I want to give you a Well Played, just for the fact that you are distancing yourself from the Pussycat Dolls vibe of leather leotards and mesh pants. But on the other hand... BORING. You look like you just spend the day on the beach, and threw those shoes in the car so you could stop off at apl.de.ap's party on the way home.

Now, I know it's confusing when we fug you for looking like a Pussycat Doll and then we fug you for NOT looking like one. I am confused myself. I can't explain my own feelings. Why do I still watch Private Practice? Why do I sit through American Idol when every judge except Simon makes me stabby? Why do I love the word "persnickety" yet not use it nearly enough? These are the mysteries with which I grapple daily, and the whole "you can never satisfy my dark heart" fug thing is another such enigma. But, I mean: Surely you didn't have to leap straight from bike shorts and bustiers to what could pass as a swimsuit coverup and a $4 hat. You skipped over so much in between. Like the entire spectrum of trousers, or the dress section at Barney's. Or Bloomies. You could look cuter, OR you could look a tad more flavorful, without actually retreating back into the sartorial crack den that is Robin Antin's universe. If you have a solo career on tap -- and Wikipedia claims you do -- you will have to do a whole lot better in order to stand out. Because frankly, the only way I remembered your name is that it sounds like "car meat" and your hair is accordingly very red. I'm serious. Maybe you should name your album "Car Meat On Your Grill" or something.

And then throw out the hat. It might be the root of your problems.
I KNOW Kimberly Wyatt here is one of the Pussycat Dolls -- and considering how often she's been seen out and about by herself in some kind of wackjob outfit, I assume she's making a play for a solo career -- but I seriously, SERIOUSLY would not be able to ID her to the LAPD if she ran me over with her car:

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"Officer, she was wearing the MOST terrible outfit. No, really. This awful black ruffled skirt, and this horrible cheap-looking twee belt? But the worst part with the lace-trimmed leopard print bustier! YES, OFFICER, I JUST USED THE WORD 'BUSTIER.'  And her SHOES, my GOD, officer, her shoes were TERRIBLE. They were so TACKY. Oh! And she had yellow nail polish -- now, yes, I know that's sort of in right now but I tried it myself in February and let me assure you, officer, that if done incorrectly it looks unfortunately like you have a terrible fungus, which is exactly what happened to me AND to her.  Oh, god, it was terrible. What's that? Her face? Oh. Oh, god. I haven't the foggiest idea."
July 22, 2009

Fuglycat Dolls

I never understood why everyone flipped out about Kate Gosselin's haircut. Yes, it's not great, but it's also not the first of its kind. Posh Spice did it long before the reverse-mullet was even a glint in Kate's eye, and even Kimberly Wyatt -- who I know is of The Pussycat Dolls only because that's what the Internet keeps insisting -- beat her to it.

Hopefully this is not an ongoing pattern for them wherein Kate picks up their messy thirds. Because we all know Posh has gone pantsless before, and sure enough, here comes Kimmy:

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[Photo: Splash News]

That's not a shirt. That's two flannel pillowcases pinned together at the shoulders. I've seen infants in more full-coverage outfits, and half of their ensembles involve the word "Pampers." Please, Kate Gosselin, do not pick up this cue from your hair twin. I already accidentally saw paparazzi photos of you flashing your underwear; I do not need any more of you (or your odious ex) in my life.

But, back to Kimberly Wyatt: Based on the facial expression of the woman behind her, I have a sneaking suspicion that Kimberly here is using those tights as trousers, espousing the tragic "you can't spell 'panty hose' without 'pants'" school of thought. Let's take a look-see:
Dear Melody "Pussycat Doll" Thornton:

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OMG.

WTF?

NO.

You have scarred me into only speaking in monosyllabic words and common acronyms. This...is not.... It needs.... There ought to be.... MORE. MORE OF SOMETHING. MORE OF EVERYTHING.

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