Pussycat Dolls Archives

April 27, 2009

Fuglycat Dolls

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girl groups

PUSSYCAT DOLL 1: I am so excited! Compared to the majority of these fools, no one will realize I'm actually wearing a pillowcase I made into a dress!

RED HEADED ONE I THOUGHT QUIT THE GROUP: Will Nicole ever let me wear pants? Wait, don't answer that question.

NICOLE SCHERZINGER: Maybe if I wear something uncharacteristically subtle no one will remember I was leaving this group for a much ballyhooed solo career that never panned out, and instead they'll be all, "Nicole Scherzinger is classy and fascinating, let's see if she can have a solo career."

SHORT BLONDE HAIR: I see you, stylist. Don't hide behind that potted plant. I see you, and when this photo shoot is over, I WILL CUT YOU FOR PUTTING ME IN THESE SHORTS. I MEAN IT.

LONG BLONDE HAIR: I knew I could get away with this romper as long as I stood next to High-Waisted McShorts! Everything seems so roomy and comfortable over here!

PD1: I mean, I look TOTALLY NORMAL. I don't even look like I'm in this group! I look like a starlet who wandered into frame. I am SO HAPPY right now.

RHOITQTG: I wonder if I'm wearing a shirt as a dress, or if this is actually a skort. Scratch that: I don't want to know.

NS: I'm so bitter.

SBH: Seriously. CUT. YOU. I am SO UNCOMFORTABLE in these. They're like a yeast infection waiting to happen and for WHAT? I WILL STAB YOU.

LBH: I could eat an entire turkey in this thing and no one would know! I love our stylist! That twenty I slipped her was the best money I ever spent!

April 22, 2009

Fuglycat Dolls

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What is up with people whipping out their summertime baggy khakis? First it was Kristen Bell, and now it's someone named Jessica Sutta whom I'm told is a Pussycat Doll.

I mean, if a Pussycat Doll -- a habitually three-quarters-naked PUSSYCAT DOLL -- is willingly wearing those outside, then they MUST have cost $600 at Fred Segal and are thereby convincing everyone that khaki cargo pants are BACK and that you must pay oodles for them. Even if the tapered legs and high-waist cut, sagging oddly on your hips, combine to make you look like you have Spongebob's square groin.

March 11, 2009

Nicole Fugzinger

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Listen, Nicole:

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

It's a nice attempt, really. But no matter how hard and how egregiously you try to misappropriate aspects of their native country's garb, no one is going to STOP confusing you with Kim Kardashian and START confusing you with more interesting people, like Aishwarya Rai or darling-of-the-hour Freida Pinto. No one is going to come up to you and tell you they loved you in Slumdog Millionaire, nor ask if you're dating Dev Patel (which you WOULDN'T BE, because he's a CHILD, practically, and it would be icky... if you were Freida, of course), nor try to get you to propose marriage to Leonardo DiCaprio, nor throw themselves at your feet and offer you a part in a major studio motion picture so that they can get in on your non-euphemistic ground floor, and you will not get to rub your hands together with glee and wait until the ink is dry before you reveal your true identity. At best, MAYBE they would take you for a local stripper with a Bollywood fetish, take pity, pull you aside to tell you that your bra is showing, and then hire you to teach Kathie Lee and Hoda how to belly-dance on the Today show during a 30-second segment in which they squawk and flail and Kathie Lee yells that Hoda needs the moves because she's a lonely woman. In which case, pussycat, you might be better off sticking with the Dolls.

January 28, 2009

Fug Ya

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accessories to the crime

I would just like to thank Jessica Sutta of the Pussycat Dolls for two things: (1) for, according to Wikipedia, having appeared in From Justin to Kelly, which is possibly one of the best terrible movies ever made, and is certainly the finest movie to ever feature a skirt made entirely of neckties, and (2) for doing her part to bring the Clueless short-skirt/knee-high socks look back into the mainstream (albeit, rather sans skirt):

[Photo: WENN]

In fairness, I truly adore that coat. And, post-Clueless, I too found myself running around wearing over-the-knee socks with pleated skirts and patent leather high-heeled Mary Janes. I had a red pair. They were SO CUTE. I wonder where they are... What was I saying? Oh, yes: Clueless. If ANYONE understands the importance of a cute outfit, it is Cher Horowitz. I think she might look at this, twirl a hank of hair around her index finger, tilt her head to one side and say, "I don't know, Jessica. The socks are kind of 1995, don't you think? The last thing you want to do is remind people of the olden times. But I love your coat! Let's go to the Beverly Center!" Ah, Cher. She taught us so much: that old people deserve love too, that accidentally getting onto the freeway is really scary when you barely know how to drive, and, of course, that it's important to be as choosy about your sexual partners as you are about your shoes. I miss her. I wonder what she's up to now. I suspect match-making is involved.

September 25, 2008

When I Fug Up

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No, no, Nicole Scherzinger. I should be saluting YOU.

It's your relentless commitment to helping the girls put the "tart" in "tartan" -- not to mention the "arg" in "argyle" -- that keeps me cheerful and optimistic. Because I know that in either fallow OR fertile fug times, you and your expensively homeless-looking band of burlesque demi-nudists will always be there for me. It's your faces that are etched in the Mount Rushmore of my heart.

Also, could you recommend a good strapless bra? I mean, you show us yours so much, it's only fair that you drop a little hint now and again. Come on, help a sister out here. My only criteria is that it not be covered in TOO much glitter or sequins. That itches, plus -- and I realize this may not be something you ever need to consider -- it's a real bitch to wear that UNDER your clothes.

September 19, 2008

The Pussycat Dolls Present the Search for the Next Pussycat Fug

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[Photo:Splash News]

ASHLEY...SURE, LET'S CALL HER THAT: I really drew the short straw with this one.

MELODY: I am soooooooooooooooooo happy I didn't have to shave my legs today!

NICOLE: That's right. This is a latex cocktail dress. Did I hear you ask which one of us got to look the sexiest? Will you EVER ask that again? I didn't think so.

THE OTHER BLONDE ONE: I hate everyone.

THE ONE WHOSE HAIR THEY JUST DYED SO SHE LOOKS LIKE THE ONE WHO QUIT: I am like one pair of retro hotpants away from looking like Katy Perry over here.

ASHLEY: This get-up they stuck me in looks like a Project Runway reject. It doesn't even fit.

MELODY: I LOVE it when I get to wear jeans or jeans-like pants! Nicole had to be covered in baby powder just to get that thing on! Her team will be peeling her out of it later when I am down at the bar drinking a beer like a normal person!

NICOLE: My body IS amazing. That's right. Drink it in. You'd look this smug, too, if you were me. No, no -- I'd rather not discuss where my back sweat is pooling right now. Let's move along.

THAT ONE: I think this is actually from the Avril Lavigne collection. Are they trying to make me quit? They are. They are. So Robin Antin can have another dumb reality show. WELL, IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK, ROBIN.

THE OTHER ONE: Maybe I AM Katy Perry. I mean, who ARE we, anyway? Truly? How do we know who is who, truly? God, my head hurts now.

September 16, 2008

Comparatively Well Played: The Pussycat Dolls

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dialogue

[Photo: INFDaily.com]

MELODY: Oh, shoot, Nicole, I just realized something.

NICOLE: What's that?

MELODY: No, don't look up -- keep your head down, keep moving forward, let's just get out of here as fast as we can.

NICOLE: Why?

MELODY: Well, we're two of the Pussycat Dolls.

NICOLE: And this embarrasses you NOW?

MELODY: No, no, I mean... look at us.

NICOLE: I don't follow.

MELODY: No corsets. No rubber. No latex.

NICOLE: ... Oh, God. Wait, I thought YOU were going to wear the crotchless hot pants with polka-dot tights and suspenders made of human hair!

MELODY: WELL I DIDN'T.

NICOLE: Shoot. Robin Antin is going to kill us. Is there a tutu shop nearby?

MELODY: All is not lost. At least I'm wearing some fairly unattractive high-waisted shorts.

NICOLE; Oh, thank God, and whatever you've got over your arm has fringe on it, doesn't it? We're going to be okay! I can turn that into something deranged, I'm just sure of it.

MELODY: Let's find a phone booth...

NICOLE: Ew, YOU find a phone booth. I'll find a bathroom.

MELODY: Whatever. Just hurry up, because we don't want any more photos of us looking relatively normal. Robin will take away our credit cards.

August 29, 2008

When I Fug Up

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It must be so fun to be a Pussycat Doll. Because there is nothing -- NOTHING -- you can put on that is TOO ridiculous to be part of this group.

[Photo: BauerGriffinOnline.com]

They might as well be Hot Topic mannequins. I would love to be backstage with them, watching Yellow Stripes up there running around screaming that she can't possibly go on until she finds the belt that goes around her tin-foil corset. Or her opposite number, Pink Stripes, struggling angrily with all the stuck zippers on her pants and cutting bits out of her latex gloves while Redhead gets her hooves polished by a P.A., and Nicole helps The Other One glue her hip bling into place. THAT is the reality show I want to see. Forget The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search For The Next Person To Decide She Doesn't Actually Want To Be A Pussycat Doll After All Even Though We Have Room For Her Because That Manly One Quit The Group; just make the Pussycat Dolls present THEMSELVES.

June 26, 2008

When I Fug Up

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Is there a line in the new Pussycat Dolls song "When I Grow Up" that deals with Nicole's childhood dream of celebrating Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday by making sure he can see her bra? Because if so, mission accomplished:

[Photo: BauerGriffinOnline.com]

I think every girl in 1984 who went as Madonna for Halloween wore one fingerless glove exactly like that shirt. Wait, sorry -- "shirt." It deserves quotation marks of scorn. The girl gets herself invited to a very respectable event, and she shows up looking like the evil vixen stepmother who brought her personal trainer to her rich husband's funeral and then shagged him in the mortuary's ladies' room. What a great birthday present for a historic man! Nelson, for all you do, this dud's for you. At this rate if he lives to be 100 -- and let's hope he does -- she's going to show up wearing a mesh tube sock and a lampshade.

June 5, 2008

The Fuglycat Dolls

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Wow, Nicole Scherzinger's solo album MUST have tanked -- she is not only back at it awfully fast with the Pussycat Dolls, but she looks about as happy to be there as if someone just came up to her and asked for an autograph because they thought she was Kim Kardashian.

[Photo: Splash News]

I have to say, though, I'm so glad they're back. Not because I need to listen to their music -- and not because I'm okay with the fact that the REALLY tranny one quit the band -- but because they have to much to teach me. They do things with suspenders that I never thought possible. They turn button-down shirts into leotards. They treat tube tops like they're meant to be worn in public. Nicole looks like she's filming a Pepto Bismol commercial that will air in space, and I'm pretty sure that one chick up there on the left has a shoulder pad stuck in her bra. All of which means we'll probably see them at a party, or the supermarket, in these clothes because they like to treat their video costumes like uniforms. Bless. And let's not forget the most important lesson: Now we all know exactly what to do and wear when the apocalyptic plague of bubbles inevitably arrives. Their assignment for the next video is to teach me how to cope with the interminable months between Lost seasons, although maybe I'll start by getting a bubble cannon of my own.

Pussycat Dolls

Fuglycat Dolls

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Fuglycat Dolls

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Nicole Fugzinger

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Fug Ya

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When I Fug Up

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The Pussycat Dolls Present the Search for the Next Pussycat Fug

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Comparatively Well Played: The Pussycat Dolls

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When I Fug Up

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When I Fug Up

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The Fuglycat Dolls

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