Rihanna

The majority of you forgave Rihanna for dressing like a lemon cake. But can you forgive her for this contraption?



Before we all write this off as Rihanna being deeply original and offbeat, I should point you to our girl Kelly Clarkson, who did the "Like A Dead Virgin" thing a few years ago with -- I think -- equally stupid results. Of course, Kelly stopped short of strapping her tutu to a weight belt, and did not take care to add... what is that, a dickey? With tiny sleeves? A RUBBER dickey? It's bad enough that I look at a transparent tutu pyramid and shrug, "Eh, been there, seen that," but a DICKEY? Is THIS really where we are now, America?

Also, I know it's just a reflection off her metallic collar -- and we all know how awkward it can be when our metallic collars catch the light weirdly; it's my private pain -- but whenever I look at her neck, I see half of a gleaming silver mask staring back at me. Do you think her maybe-probably-boyfriend Chris Brown was gazing up at her and silently singing, "Rubber Dickey, you're the one; you make Sexy Time lots of fun! Rubber Dickey I'm awfully fond of you"? Or was he too busy thinking, "The PHAAAAAAANTOM of the Opera is HEEEEEEERE, INSIDE MY MIND"?

I'm assuming Rihanna's boots are from this same Balenciaga family of footwear.



It answers so many questions: Yes, even without the psychedelic baseball dress, they still look like they belong in a movie about gladiators on acid; and no, not even Rihanna can salvage them. Also, I hope she is wearing modesty hot pants -- a concept I never thought could exist until Young Hollywood embraced labia-skimming outfits.

Here's hoping the kids of today aren't terribly impressionable.

[Photo: INFDaily.com]

Otherwise, when Rihanna showed up at a local middle school this weekend, several of them might have come away with the notion that it's okay to shop for clothes at Linens 'n' Things. This is a lie. Remember, kids: Resourcefulness is one thing, but friends don't let friends turn a Bed In A Bag into a flared jumpsuit.

That Rihanna is tricky. I need to keep an eye on her. She has this quality about her that almost pulls off clothes that otherwise might make me cringe, and I need to be vigilant, because it almost happened again. Now, maybe it's the fact that I haven't been able to sit up for two days because of a tragic and debilitating flu, or maybe it's because I can't stop sneezing long enough to focus my eyes, but at first blush, this thing on Rihanna did not seem as awful as it could've been. 

Of course, on second and third blush, I changed my mind.

[Photo: Splash News]

Are those merely unhemmed slacks, or is this an unhemmed slacks jumpsuit? You all know how much we support pants 'round here at GFY HQ, but I'm less open to slacks. I'm pretty sure I have both male AND female relatives who are wearing those things in musty old photos from the '70s, and even they had the good sense not to employ them as half of a onesie. It's all very Polyester Sensible, which would also make a great name for the world's most boring Bond girl, and in fact, this might be a nice outfit for her too. Perhaps Polyester Sensible is a stewardess on MI-6's fleet of jets (slogan: Shut Up And Fly), and endears herself to our horndog hero by finding a new way to shake-but-not-stir James's in-flight martini -- something that involves her cleavage pocket up there, perhaps. But slacks that someone spent hours ironing for that perfect top-to-toe crease don't work so well on a lithe modern-day 20-year old.

So even though the color is pretty, and her innate coolness almost carries this off, I have to come down against the slacks jumpsuit. Rihanna is many things; Polyester Sensible is not one of them.

Rihanna is fascinating to me. Style-wise, she is all over the map -- tight satin, lace bodysuits, short skirts, leather, and more -- and while there's nothing wrong with that, it means that Rihanna is also a bit of a roller-coaster. She's under a huge fashion umbrella-ella-ella, is what I'm saying (because you all know I can't resist the hacky joke when it's there, and even sometimes when it's not).

As proof, check out her array of Grammy outfits. First, the ones I more-or-less liked:

Some of the details on this are nice; others are overly fussy. Mostly, the skirt just makes me wonder if it's a tribute to Sam The Eagle, or perhaps what one would wear if she was the Bride of Grover. Still, on the whole, it works. And she IS young, after all. That's the time to play around with ruffles, both of the fabric AND potato-chip variety.

This one, for me, turned out pretty cute also. The longer I look at it, the more I think the ruffles work -- at first I feared they looked like she poked her arms through two giant Fancy-Dress Scrunchies, but actually they're an interesting way to spice up the classic little black dress. Unfortunately, though, when I factor in the hair, I can't get over thinking she looks like some kind of exotic bird.

But maybe that's just because I had already seen her in this ode to A Creature:

 

Let's, like Vivica A Fox, decide not to be haters, and instead to be congratulators, and congratulate Rihanna on her extreme bravery:

[Photo: Splash]

It takes stones to wear a lacy turtleneck shorts jumpsuit, and we applaud any woman who braves such a concoction, especially as that commitment means that she will not be able to pee at any point during the festivities, as it will take approximately twenty-three minutes and two assistants to get in and out of that thing.  I shudder to think what this looks/feels like when she sits down in it, and frankly, had I been confronted with such a get-up, I would have had to have been escorted from the store by professionals. Ergo, I would like to offer my heartfelt congrats to Rihanna for having managed to put this on and leave the house without having an attack of the vapors and being forced to change into something like a skirt.

Obviously, Rihanna is young and hip, and blessed to be born with a great figure. These are things we know. They're undisputable, alongside things like Brett Favre's badass-osity and Beyonce needing to get off my television set for a while (seriously, how many endorsements is she doing right now? Where does it end? I mean, while it's running, we might as well run that train straight through Tinactin City and Massengil Avenue).

So I'm somewhat confused as to why this otherwise youthful and fresh-faced hottie would go out in an ensemble that downplays all of those things:

[Photo: infdaily.com]

God knows I love an animal print, but not when it turns her into a walking, talking Leopard Sausage. The cut adds weight to her midriff and looks so tight and uncomfortable that, once she finally pours herself OUT of that thing, she'll be taking nothing but deep breaths for a month. And she can forget about nibbling on the crudité. The whole effect ages her, like she borrowed her clothes from Sharon Stone. Except Rihanna is TWENTY and Sharon is... not. I guess it's true that youth is often wasted on the young. 

However, if anyone ever decides to make a randy think piece called How Lily Munster Got Her Groove Back, I think we've found our leading lady.

Or am I overreacting? Does Rihanna rise above it?

Oh my god, Rihanna:

I'm pretty sure this is...supposed to be layered over something. Like an actual shirt, say.  In a way, I have to commend you for going all-out with your theme here (apparently, it is Clothing Items Which Are Missing Whole, Vital Pieces of Themselves LIKE FINGERS Or A THIRD OF YOUR BOOBS) and I appreciate how fresh and relaxed your hair and make-up is, but...okay, listen. I'm going to cut the complimentary crap for a sec. Sure, you're cute and young and have a huge hit song and are probably now richer than God, but all that means that you have FAR MORE resources than the rest of us schmoes (like money, and advisors, and the best reflective surfaces said money can buy and the best handypersons available to hang them) , and, ergo, should not find yourself out in public with a quasi-vest non-shirt that comes complete with clear plastic straps designed to prevent your nipples from making a desperate run for it.

[Photo: infdaily.com]

I've decided that Rihanna, here pictured returning to her hotel after dinner, only ended up wearing this to a restaurant because her tap class ran late and she was starving but she didn't have her wallet, and so people dragged her straight out and treated her to a meal. That would make them Leggings Of Instant Gratification And Oh My God, I Need Pizza Before My Stomach Eats Itself, rather than a conscious rejection of tights --which not only would have looked cuter, but would've seemed a lot less like she is on call just in case The Best Goddamn Dancer At The American Ballet Academy; Who The Hell Are YOU? NOBODY! decides to drop out of the lead role Peter Gallagher choreographed for her in the world's most dreary ballet, and needs a replacement.

It appears that popstress Rihanna thought the Underage People's Choice Awards required a costume:

She is dressed as An Extra From That Episode of Fame Where Doris Was Unable To Concentrate On Her Tap Class Because She's In a Fight With Coco and Then Debbie Allen Yells At Them And They Manage To Pull Both Their Friendship AND Their Routine Together in the Final Act. 

Because apparently, being the Kids' Choice costs, and here is where Rihanna begins paying. In sweat.