Katie Holmes Archives

October 21, 2009

Fugman Begins

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I must be honest. I am glad Katie Holmes is out and about again. I got bored without having her haircuts to monitor. I kind of like this in-betweeny cut, possibly because mine is looking kind of like this right now.

However, my bra is not visible. Clearly, that's where everything has gone so wrong for me. First, I turned down that role in Dawson's Creek,* then I told Tom Cruise I had to think about his hasty but flattering proposal of marriage,** then I put on a shirt through which Hollywood could not see my undies.*** That's why she's a gajillionaire and I am a mere thousandaire. Oh, well. Next time.

* Never happened.
** Ditto, although I probably would have accepted said proposal, just because, "when I was briefly engaged to Tom Cruise" is a REALLY GOOD opener to cocktail party stories. Also because of Top Gun. Just a little bit. But still.
*** I'm actually not wearing a top.

June 23, 2009

Fug Or Fab: Cameron Diaz; Whatever, TomKat

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[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

TOM: Um, Katie?

KATIE: Hmm? Oh, are you still here?

TOM: I was just wondering why you couldn't dress up a little for our friend Cameron's Walk of Fame thing.

KATIE: Can you see me from all the way down there? How sweet.

TOM: Honey, I know your jeans are supposed to look like that, but it looks like you haven't washed them in a month.

KATIE: Exactly. I paid a tremendous amount of money for blotchy jeans that look filthy. Get with the times, man.

TOM: And I don't understand what's going on with your t-shirt. Were you planning to tie it up into a pouch at your waist and smuggle out some snacks?

KATIE: Scientologist, heal thyself -- is that a tag on your crotch, or just a really bright zipper?

TOM: Also, it's hot out and you're going to get yellow sweat stains all over that cardigan.

KATIE: I don't sweat. I glisten.

TOM: I just think you should've tried a little harder for our friend Cameron. Especially because SHE seems to have put in some effort:

Continue reading Fug Or Fab: Cameron Diaz; Whatever, TomKat.

May 28, 2009

Katie Fugmes

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You know, we sometimes joke about high-waisted pants so extreme that they're practically a second bra. But apparently we can't joke about these things in front of Katie Holmes, or as I like to call her, Where Bad Ideas Go To Roam Free.

[Photo: Splash News]

Those pants are ridiculously, insanely high and tall. She looks like a stewardess on Clown Air.

(And yes, I know I'm supposed to call them flight attendants, but old habits die hard. To wit, I also sometimes still put potato chips on my sandwiches and I'm watching a 90210 rerun where David is recovering from drugs by getting back into his music. Between you and me, I'd prefer him on the drugs.)

Maybe she's just messing with Tom at this point. Maybe she's doing whatever she can to wear trousers that are as tall as he is, so that he will be intimidated into going away and not pawing at her any more. In that sense, these pants could be an act of purest genius.

But just don't try this at home, folks. Promise me.

April 14, 2009

Fugs of April

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Oh, Katie Holmes.

[Photo: Splash News]

That whole "I'm Wearing Tom's Jeans" look you did last summer may have caught on with certain subsections of the population, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this look? WILL NOT.

March 5, 2009

Fug or Fab the Cover: Katie Holmes

Fug file:

bad hair,
Glamour

I have to say, in Glamour's defense, the inside of this issue is actually quite good. It's full of useful stuff and pretty pictures, unlike Vogue, which is full of pretty pictures and long articles about secret hair salons on the Upper East Side that require you to present three letters of recommendation and exchange an egg just for a trim. Don't get me wrong: I deeply enjoy reading those articles. They're just not very applicable to real life. As for the cover, it may be a bit TOO MUCH like real life for me, in that I can't get over the fact that Joey Potter's hair looks really dirty. Let's be honest: so is mine, right now. But I work from home. If I were going to be on the cover of a magazine (God forbid), I am pretty sure I'd wash it.

poll by twiigs.com

February 4, 2009

All My Fugs

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I am....perplexed:

[Photo: Splash News]

She looks like she's in costume for a straight-to-DVD children's project called Joey Potter and the Christmas Mermaid. I know -- thanks to my super secret sources (called: the interwebs) -- that this frock is Christian Lacroix Couture (or, as I refer to it thanks to years of AbFab, "Lacroix, sweetie darling! LACROIX!"), but the fact that it probably cost like...I don't even know. A lot....sort of makes the fact that I originally wondered if it were another unfortunate concontion of Holmes and Stylist that much more depressing. I blame the sad little bow. It looks so limp and bored, like it's just longing for someone to take it home and wrap it around a present.

There's a dirty joke in there somewhere, I feel like, but I'm going to spare you.

January 7, 2009

All Fug Sons

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Thank God we have eagle-eyed readers. Apparently, while we were on hiatus, watching bowl games and drinking mulled wine and weep-swooning through Band of Brothers marathons (parenthetically: it says a lot about the hotness of that cast that the brief presence of both James McAvoy AND Jason O'Mara went completely unnoticed back when the miniseries premiered), Katie Holmes did this:

[Photo: Splash News]

... She's just bored, right? Or is this a cry for help? Unless these are somehow an integral part of her costume (which still probably could've been kept to her dressing room rather than being taken out into the world and coated in denim), I REALLY feel serious alarm. I would expect these sorts of shenanigans from Hilary Duff, maybe, or Sienna Miller. Lindsay Lohan probably wants to design a pair of these with kneepads and call them The Starlet (as a companion piece to her evocatively named "Mr. President" padded leggings). But for Katie Holmes to deviate from a steady pre-theater diet of comfy jeans and cardigans in favor of STIRRUP TIGHTS worn under denim shorts... well, that took some effort, and the only explanation I can come up with is that she ran out of mood stabilizers and so she spends all her sleepless nights surfing eBay and watching QVC. She probably also has a genuine emeraldiste-studded toilet-roll holder, a space-saving dress made only of one argyle sock and a rubber band, and a nifty set of Hummel figurines in the image of the entire cast of Starship Troopers. I kind of wish she'd worn one or all of those instead.

October 17, 2008

Fug My Sons

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Apparently, there were a bunch of Scientology protesters outside the theater on the official opening night of All My Sons -- including a few with signs that read "SAVE KATIE + SURI" and "KATIE WHAT HAS SCIENTOLOGY COST YOU?" and all that. I love imagining that one of these people had the romantic notion that Katie would see that message and be like, "Sweet Xenu, IT HAS COST ME EVERYTHING," and run off to catch the first flight to Belize.

Now, I do realize that Katie probably didn't anticipate protesters. But I ask you: Is this outfit really what you'd wear to prove your sanity and stability to a bunch of concerned citizens with too much time and too many art supplies on their hands?

[Photo: WENN]

Because to ME, this outfit says she's losing her marbles. That she has not eaten anything with a calorie content since about May. And that she's blinded by an insomniac insanity that's led to her spending every waking hour -- many of them in the middle of the night, in the attic, alone, while Tom is encased in his hyperbaric napping chamber or whatever -- rubbing any lamps, canisters, martini shakers, propane tanks, or other lidded vessels she can find in the hope that a genie or other mythical wish-granting creature will pop out and release her from the bonds of Holy Crazymony. And I am just not sure there's enough ink in a Sharpie to rescue her from that.

September 29, 2008

FugKat

Fug file:

grey

Okay, so you know that old theory that people start to look like their pets?

[Photos: Splash News]

Tom is trotting her out, in their matching suits, with all the pride of a puppy owner who's just knitted them both matching sweaters and is debuting them in the dog park. I hope this is just an appetizer, and that the main course is them showing up to a movie premiere in matching strapless Versace.

It's going around, too -- check out Kate Moss and her new toy:

Continue reading FugKat.

August 12, 2008

Fugpic Thunder

Fug file:

bad hair,
blue

Well, that's it. I'm officially getting tired of Katie Holmes. And what's more, I think she agrees.

It's like she can't even quite believe what she's seeing. This face totally says, "The hell? What is up? Why did I let Tom drink twenty Red Bulls before midnight? Why did I leave him alone with the sewing machine, our drapes, those cheap-ass-looking bandages that MIGHT be the things he wraps around his tennis racket handle to give himself a better grip? And WHY did I then agree to WEAR the dress he made while he was hopped up on that hyper juice? How did this get to be my life?

"And who am I kidding with this hair?

Continue reading Fugpic Thunder.

Katie Holmes

Fugman Begins

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Fug Or Fab: Cameron Diaz; Whatever, TomKat

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Katie Fugmes

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Fugs of April

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Fug or Fab the Cover: Katie Holmes

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All My Fugs

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All Fug Sons

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Fug My Sons

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FugKat

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Fugpic Thunder

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