Katie Holmes

Apparently Katie Holmes is not going to rest until she's forced me to confront some seriously impossible fashion quandaries.


[Photo: INFDaily.com]

For example, if death were not an option, would I wear her pegged pants, or these high-waisted, wide-legged things with matching belt? I find myself wondering what kind of conditions I can impose, like whether this conundrum is being presented to me in a world without cameras -- and thus, no evidence of my trouser tribulations -- or if I am making this decision with a gun to my temple. Or perhaps I have recently been blinded while ice skating, because I attempted a risky jump while at a cocktail party and fell into a bunch of chairs, almost losing my Olympic dream along with my sight.

There HAS to be SOME extenuating circumstance(s), right? Because I'm not sure I can answer this question without conditions.

Y'all, I think there's been a breakthrough: Check out what Katie Holmes wore to rehearsal today.


[Photo: INFDaily.com]

No pegged jeans in sight. VICTORY IN OUR TIME. Sure, it may be temporary, but I'm having a giddy ask-and-ye-shall-receive moment here; we suggested a maxi dress and we got one (not that I think we had anything to do with it, since I doubt Katie is ever given permission to surf the Internet for anything other than rare, out-of-print L. Ron Hubbard books). I'm so relieved that you're free of your outmoded-pants prison, Katie, that I won't even start a pregnancy rumor, I promise. I'm just going to enjoy the fact that we can be friends again. You can come over and we'll paint our fingernails and talk about boys and watch reruns of Dawson's Cree... um, I mean, Felicity. And maybe make you a wig out of pipe cleaners so that you've got that awesome bob back. See you tonight! Bring cash for pizza.

Sometimes, a picture is worth 1,000 words.


[Photo: WENN]

Of course, that's never stopped us before, which is why we devoted more than 500 of them to the troubling issue of Katie Holmes' addiction to baggy, saggy pegged jeans. It's difficult to come up with a plausible explanation for this manner of pants abuse, but we came up with a few theories anyway:

1. Katie is too depressed to try. She's not exactly getting the Kidman treatment. Tickets for Katie's Broadway debut reportedly aren't selling out, and aside from the Eli Stone stint, Hollywood has greeted her return to acting with a resounding yawn. Plus, having to flee your own home while Oprah talks to your husband, lest he be tempted to couch-surf again, would tax any girl's spirits. Maybe pegged jeans are the new ratty sweatpants.

I'm sure if we'd known about this cardigan at the time, we'd have included that, too; somewhere in Heaven, Mr. Rogers is like, "Dude, I would NEVER have worn a fuschia sweater with red shoes. Does NO ONE understand?" But, one step at a time.

If you'd like to check out our other four theories, click on through to read the rest of "Katie Holmes' Downward Style Spiral."

Has Katie Holmes actually pegged her jeans? AGAIN?


[Photo: INFDaily.com]
Just checking.

To our endless sorrow, we can't find these incredibly strange photos of Katie Holmes anywhere in our own subscriptions. But for what it's worth, no, we don't understand her puzzling outfit either; as far as we can tell, there is no reason for her to be dressed like a dancer who's keeping warm backstage before her audition to play Chorus/Inmate No. 3 in Chicago.

However, we did find a photo taken on the FOLLOWING day, in which Katie arrives to shoot her Eli Stone cameo wearing the same hair and makeup.


[Photo: BauerGriffinOnline.com]

So it's entirely possible that the large coif and ten pounds of slap from the FIRST photos are due to the fact that she's finally some semblance of a working actress right now, and the Cruise family wants everyone to know it, so she Katie is running around doing her errands without taking off her makeup from the day's shoot. I expect a ripe, juicy zit will be her reward for that.

The jeans and the tights under sandals, well, that's her own damn fault. Unless the Eli Stone writers gave her a part as a Cell Block Tango dancer who actually DID let her husband run into her knife ten times, and needs legal representation, and can only get it from a dude who may space out in the middle of her trial and imagine that George Michael is singing "Careless Whisper" in his ear. That would be interesting. Or at the very least it would absolve Katie of full responsibility for the pegged jeans. If that's not the case, then she'd better engage in a little creative finger-pointing soon, lest Karl Lagerfeld get wind of those pants and decide he doesn't dress plumbers.

We got a lot of e-mails suggesting that, by wearing blue shoes with an orange-red dress, Katie Holmes might have taken leave of either her vision or her senses.

To me, the color scheme actually makes weird sense with the theme of the event. Wonder Woman certainly didn't shy away from mixing primary colors, for instance, and Superman and Spider Man could never be accused of favoring subtle palettes either. What gives me greater pause is the way this is executed: The pointy, high-cut shoes are a bit clunky for my taste, appearing almost like an afterthought and akin to those heavy old pumps of the 80s that her mother probably gave away fifteen years ago, and she's got the same problem Nicole Kidman had at the Oscars, with the long necklace hooking like a noose around one boob. As for the dress, it photographs with a strange plastic sheen --  like Katie had it made at one of those factories that makes the fake grass you put in Easter baskets, and strands of which, if you have offspring who are anything like I was, you will still be finding down the side of the sofa and stuck to the curtains four months later because the aforementioned kids liked to run around the house wearing the green tufts like fright wigs. (True story. And for added drama, Easter baskets sometimes make great fake bonnets. In case you were wondering.)

I think my problem can be boiled down to: I don't love Mrs. Holmes-Cruise in strong reds, or at least, not when she's got such a chiseled, structured haircut that competes with the dress for total domination over her face. That gown is screaming so loudly for attention that the rest of her becomes mute. Which she's probably used to in her family life, given that she spawned one of the cutest celebrity kids in recent memory and is married to a couch-surfing zealot, but which she shouldn't have to put up with when it comes to her wardrobe. Her pretty face deserves better than to be an afterthought.

Actually, I'm fairly sure I know how I feel about this.

Love the pattern, but unless Katie is planning to carry Suri in that thing until her high-school graduation, wearing a dress with a gargantuan built-in baby sling is a tad over the top. Perhaps that's where she keeps Tom when he gets cranky and needs a nap.

But, what the hell. It's Friday! The Oscars are upon us! I just had an awesome peanut-butter, banana, honey, and nutmeg sandwich! Everything's coming up roses. So I'll put Katie's hellacious houndstooth hammock to a Fug or Fab vote, because there's nothing like a little democracy to start your weekend right.

This is so exciting, y'all. Okay, so the shirt is all over the place --a billowy and occasionally unfinished-looking mess. In fact, it looks a bit like she's mourning the death-at-sea of her favorite pirate (but don't worry, honey, I have it on good authority that death cannot stop true love; all it does is delay it for a while).  But there's something more exciting at work here to compensate.

Check it out!

It FEELS! It really feels! Number Five Three is ALIVE!

Listen, I love a large handbag. Love one! I carried an enormous tote for YEARS until I realized that the larger my bag was, the more stuff I would jam into it, and that maybe my back hurt so badly because I had a pony keg in my purse.

And, as Katie Holmes demonstrates, there is something to be said for moderation in all things:

I know moderation isn't practiced often around the Cruise/Holmes abode, but unless you're using this as your Very Posh Birkin Weekender -- full of bathing suits and cashmere cover-ups and Pucci print bath towels and all the other stuff InStyle insists is required for a resort weekend away -- this mother is just too big. For one thing, she can barely carry the thing (what's IN there, anyway? She hasn't got Suri nestled in there for a little nap, has she?).  For another, it's wider than her entire body, which you think would be a good tip-off to downsize.  There's a fine line between Fantastically Glamorous Oversized Luxury Item and Damn, Girl, Do You Need A Hand With Those Bags?, and K. Ho here left that line behind her about twenty feet ago.

Despite the presence of Diane Keaton and Queen Latifah, I do not have hopes for Katie Holmes' big return to the multiplex, Mad Money. Let us remember that as madcap comedies go, Diane Keaton recently brought us Because I Said So; Queen Latifah, we have not forgotten Taxi, which was a blight on our souls even though we didn't actually see anything more than the preview. So, neither of you can be trusted unequivocally in this arena, and when you add into the mix Mrs. Cruise and a poster where you're chucking money into the air like you're Mary Tyler Moore at a strip club, it bodes poorly.

Still, at least Katie Holmes is interesting to talk about these days. In all the years I watched Dawson's Creek, I never particularly thought Joey Potter would ever make me think. She would make me enraged, irritated, annoyed, and at times murderous -- between Dawson and Pacey, or anyone and Pacey, THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS PACEY, fool -- but never thoughtful. So I'll say this for the post-Cruise Katie: She has achieved what I thought was impossible. I am actually pondering her fashion choices with more than just passing interest.

First, let's start with what worked at the Mad Money premiere.

She looks amazing: I never noticed how interesting her eyes are before, and whoever has commandeered her makeup bag is doing a bang-up job. [Although, just to prove she is human, Katie has thoughtfully gone and gotten a stray hair stuck in her lipstick. I feel that pain, sister. It's the curse of almost every gloss-loving girl in the world who's ever wandered into even the lightest breeze.]

Also, let it be known that I blame Katie Holmes in advance for any bad hair decisions I might make. That bob is so cute that I am liable to forget my hair is completely different than hers is, and that's how I'll accidentally wind up with the poodle version of this sleek coif, and it will be ALL HER FAULT. I hope she can live with herself.

Now for the part I'm less sure of: