Katie Holmes

Certainly, there has been no shortage of moments in Katie Holmes' life in recent years that have made us go, "Wait, SERIOUSLY?" And that's just from the couch-jumping and the engagement and pregnancy and wedding and fashion-embracing and Posh-befriending; it doesn't even include anything that's happened behind closed doors. Not that we're implying her husband is odd or anything. He's totally normal to us. Everyone we know leaps onto their living-room set at least twice daily. Furniture is a thrill.

At any rate, all things considered, nothing should surprise me with her any more. Yet somehow I still caught myself saying aloud this morning, "Wait... SERIOUSLY? Since when did Katie Holmes become someone who could pull off a TOGA?"

Bear with me here, as we got a lot of e-mails from people who could not have hated this more -- and who will, in fact, greet this with a, "Wait, SERIOUSLY?" of their own. So let me clarify: The dress itself does nothing for me. It definitely has the whiff of bedsheet about it, like maybe her exuberant husband grabbed one off the bed and ran around her twice and then screamed, "GLORIOUS,"  before hitting his head on the four-poster and passing out cold.

But Katie IN the dress... this I like. Granted, her first best move was to realize that America loves Suri, and that she should reinvent her cranium in her wee sprog's image. They are seriously ever-more the spitting image of one another. As for the dress, though, it kind of takes on a Quality on her body. It's still kind of boring to me on its own merits,  and I think on a lot of people I'd be wailing and pulling out my hair. Katie, though, looks really rather pretty. The makeup is tasteful, her bod looks amazing -- I would very much like to borrow her shoulders, if she's looking to broaden her range of charitable acts -- and although the shoes are fairly standard, they ALSO appear to fit her, make her legs look fabulous, and don't overshadow the overall look. As a result, I glance at the dress, but inevitably my attention turns to her hair, her face, her skin, her figure, and the fact that I am pretty sure she is eleven feet tall. And that's how it should be. The dress isn't wearing her; she, bluntly put, is wearing the shit out of it. So you go, Suri-Kate Holmes-Cruise. In my eyes, you won this one.

And feel free to have another kid, because you did a bang-up job the first time. I'm just saying. Think of our needs.

This may not be a popular opinion, but I don't know that I really hate Katie Holmes's new head suit that much:

In fact, I think she looks cute in it. Sure, it''s completely wig-esque, but it's a CUTE wig. A wig I suspect the people over at Rhonda's Wig Emporium and Hairapalooza call The Suri. And yes, I am interested to see how it looks when it's not combed so meticulously. And, sure, I had that exact same cut when I was six years old. But overall, I find it rather...kicky. There. I said it. KICKY.

I do have a small issue with the rest of this look, though:

TOM CRUISE: Ladies and gentleman! If I may draw your attention to the center ring! Her torso is longer than my entire body! I've haven't yet figured out how to force her to wear flats all the time! At home, I sometimes secretly call her Long Arms McGee! KATIE HOLMES!

KATIE HOLMES: This is so embarrassing, Tom. I'm not your Real Doll.

TOM: You kind of look like one! A really EXPENSIVE one. And I called you Katie! Katie Holmes! Wasn't that nice of me? Are my bangs too severe?

KATIE: I wish you wouldn't parade me around like this. It makes it hard for me to pull up my dress. Also, does it look like they somehow attached the skirt part of this thing backward? There's like this weird front bustle, and I can't figure....

TOM: My bangs, Katie! You didn't answer my question about my bangs! I took in a picture of Lily Allen to the hairdresser! Do you think I went too far?

KATIE: I'm beginning to think this whole thing has gone too far.

TOM: MARVEL AT OUR SHINY SHOES! BEHOLD --

KATIE: Oh my god, can we just go inside now?

Though I am loathe to start rumors, and don't want to be one of those people who is all, "THAT TOP IS TOTALLY BLOUSE-Y! SHE MUST BE KNOCKED UP!", would you not agree that Katie Holmes appears to be conversing with a currently fetus-sized, bodily-contained  little Cruiselette here?

"Don't worry," she seems to be saying, "soon we'll be inside, where there are shrimps on skewers." I don't really think she's pregnant again, but there's something about all the layers on this number -- which I was neutral on until I spent some hard time with it, back when I was trying to figure out it she was bump-ified, but which I've since decided that I actually rather like, despite the fact that it somewhat resembles fantastically glamorous window treatments in the bedroom of a spectacularly pampered, quite beautiful, but generally aggravating baroness -- that implies she's got something uterine going on.

It's less apparent in some of the other photos, like this one:

[Photo Source.]

GIORGIO ARMANI: Boo! It's me! HELLO!

POSH: God, I'm fabulous.

KAT(I)E: Hi Karl! Hi! It's me! Mrs. Cruise!

GIORGIO: KARL? I am not Karl Lagerfeld, runt. What kind of IDIOT would think I am Karl Lagerfeld?

KAT(I)E: Oh, wow. I'm sorry. It's just that you're both so... tan. Ha ha ha... ha.

GIORGIO: Quiet, Scientology Spice. Can you not see that I'm trying to start a conga line with the Queen of America?

POSH: That's f'ing right, darling. Thanks to the football deal for David, we're even MORE filthy, stinking rich.

KAT(I)E: That's great, ha ha!  I'm so happy to be here! Kar... er, Giorgio, I just wanted to know...

GIORGIO: BUY A COUNTRY, you delicious pleated diva!

POSH: Too right I will.

GIORGIO: Take the Maldives. No one knows who owns those anyway! Make it Isla Victoria!

KAT(I)E: I think the Maldives...

GIORGIO: LIKE I SAID. Nobody knows.

POSH: I wonder if America will let me have Hawaii. It's closer. I'll pay cash.

GIORGIO: I will make you leis. FABULOUS leis of GLORY. With FEATHERS, just like mama used to make.

POSH: Damn, babes, you're WAY more fun than Karl Lagerfeld. All he does is scowl and glove-slap people. F'ing awkward sometimes if you ask me.

KAT(I)E: Sir, Mr. Armani, if I could just ask you about this dress...

GIORGIO: Or you could buy A SITCOM. We could be in one of those lively half-hour comedy shows! Where we live together and work in a pizza parlor that is also a tanning salon, and have strange neighbors with children who won't stop talking! IT WILL BE HUGE.

KAT(I)E: Yes! And I could play the...

GIORGIO: No, no, I want that Michelle Williams girl -- she's DYNAMITE.

POSH: Tanning and pizza, eh, Giorgio? We could call it Mystic Pizza.

GIORGIO: I've never heard of ANYTHING so divine, my queen. IT WILL CHANGE THE WORLD. Now, CONGA, you vixen! 

KAT(I)E: Mr. Armani, if you'd just look at me for a second, I don't think these weird pleats...

GIORGIO: Child, no shop talk -- not when I'm about to break into the macarena. You know the rules.

POSH: Look at that. Giorgio Armani, following ME around. Wanting to ride MY coattails. My life is f'ing amazing.

KAT(I)E: My life is awful. He won't even look at me.

GIORGIO: Actress girl! We need an inanimate object to be the limbo rod. Can they use you?

KAT(I)E: Thank God I had this smile surgically locked in or else I would be SCREAMING at some people right now and then Tom would make me sit in the audit closet for a week.

POSH: Allegedly.

KAT(I)E: Oh, whatever.

An Ode To Katie Holmes-Cruise:

Dear Katie, imagine our horror

When we saw they snapped you getting out of the car.

"Dear God, no!" we exclaimed

"Why, we'll burst into flames!

If we have to see shots of your flora."

But although you have married a nutbag

This situation ain't all bad

Sure, the brain-washing's a bit of a hurdle,

But THANK GOD,  instead of for-going panties,

You've quite wisely gone for a girdle:

Hooray!

Katie Holmes, finally realizing what, exactly, she's gotten herself into by agreeing to marry Crazy Tom Cruise and bear his ill-gotten spawn (namely, daily ultrasounds administered at home by Crazy Tom Cruise, a silent birth enforced by Crazy Tom Cruise, and the joy of attempting to raise a normal, healthy child whose father is Crazy Tom Cruise), really can't be bothered to dress herself anymore, so Crazy Tom Cruise just has to drag her out onto the streets of Shanghai in her bathrobe.

But can you blame her for not even trying any more? At best, she looks exhausted. At worst, little Joey Potter appears hopelessly resigned to her fate as Crazy Tom Cruise's Zombie Bride.  I never thought I'd say this, but she'd be so much better off with the Beek.

Katie Holmes always seemed like a nice girl with a simple but solid sense of style; however, Kate Holmes, Scientologist And Uterus-For-Hire, is starting to worry me. For instance, she showed up at a War Of The Worlds event with her spastic man-child fiance wearing the following frumpy red number:

Perhaps she's in costume as the Scientology Red Volumes. I think it's her sleeve that perturbs me most, aside from the fact that the entire dress bores me fiercely.  And yet with this strangely plain, marmy dress, "Kate" has paired shoes better suited to somebody who receives cash for sex from a man who actually enjoys having it with her:

Yikes.

Okay, you guys, I have some really shocking news, which will take you very much by surprise. You maybe should even sit down.

Tom Cruise is apparently dating Katie Holmes. I know! I hadn't heard anything about it either.

[Photo: BauerGriffinOnline.com]

What's more, he's apparently asserting his UNBEARABLE LOVE by making her wear only cast-off baby clothing as outerwear, hence the weird, short, unbuttonable, uncomfortable Members Only gear our little Joey Potter's working here. Wait, that may be unfair of me. I am SURE he's not MAKING her wear it, even though factual evidence from Katie Holmes's Pre-Tom-Cruise-Past proves that she does, in fact, usually exhibit beautiful taste in clothing. But I'm SURE Tom Cruise would never MAKE Joey Potter do ANYTHING that she wasn't, you know, CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED to do in some way [other contractually obligated items allegedly include: awkwardly making out with him in public; getting dragged onto Oprah's set to bear witness his complete break with mental health; referring to him solely as "Maverick," except on Tuesdays, when she may call him "Pacey"; pretending that her Paxil is actually just folic acid; marrying him and bearing a human child of his flamingly heterosexual loins].

In fact, what am I talking about? Am I insinuating that this relationship is a...what's the word? A sham? A sham relationship? A sham heterosexual relationship between TOM CRUISE and a very young woman with a big movie set to open quite, quite soon? No! NO. Joey Potter would not lie to me like that. She didn't lie to me when she went off on that boat with Pacey, and she didn't lie to me when Dawson's dad died chasing an errant scoop of ice cream, and she wouldn't start now. This is LOVE. It's LOVE. I am just BITTER and CYNICAL and I can't see REAL TRUE LOVE when it's having a convulsion on my sofa and beating its tiny little fists on my floor.

Clearly, Joey just shrank this little sweater/jacket [swacket?] in the wash because she was SO absent-minded FROM LOVE that she set the washer to "hot" instead of "cold." No one is forcing her to wear tiny little clothes in public as part of a weird Scientology-related mind-fuck process that I'm going to get killed for even talking about. I'm terribly sorry. I never said that. You never read this. They're totally in love, and we're all going to see War of the Worlds, and that other movie with the big bat. Totally.

Thank God I worked through that.