Madonna Archives

August 18, 2009

Sticky and Fug Tour

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I wonder if anyone's mentioned to Madonna lately that she's wearing an outfit I literally last saw on Victoria Gotti during an episode of Growing Up Gotti:

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

I'm not kidding. I WORKED on that show. You have no idea how many hours I've seen of Ms Gotti and she OWNS this outfit. She owns the HELL out of it. All I know is that if Madonna starts tootling around Long Island with three severely tanorexic boys who are each nursing a raging hair gel addiction -- well, frankly, I will be terrified. TERRIFIED. And I've said this a thousand times if I've said it once, but I will happily make it 1001: if Old School Madonna ever stumbled across a DeLorean back in 1985, like Marty McFly, and -- much as we see in Back to the Future II -- decided to travel to the future to discover once and for all if she turned into an asshole, I suspect she would be VERY DISPLEASED INDEED with what she learned.

Old School Madonna, I miss you. I know you are down there somewhere, if all the [alleged] HGH hasn't obliterated you. Come back! Come back to the future! Come back to the future and have a sandwich! YOUR FUTURE YOU NEEDS YOUR HELP.

July 7, 2009

Fugdonna

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dialogue,
SIGH

[Photo: Splash News]

MADONNA: ... and so I said to the dude, "You can't spell 'MALAWI' without 'LAW,' am I RIGHT? GIVE IT UP FOR FOLLOWING RULES!" And he was like, "Right on," and gave me the kid! I'm so stoked!

STELLA: Happy to help you celebrate. Especially if it means trotting out my legs, which are pretty enviable.

MADONNA: My legs don't have FEET. See?

STELLA: Presumably they do SOMEWHERE, though, yes?

MADONNA: Footless legs are totally the new cone bras.

STELLA: I could make you a jumpsuit with room to hide your feet.

MADONNA: The feet I don't want people to think I have hiding under here?

STELLA: Yes, those.

MADONNA: FABULOUS.

STELLA: But I'd need you to leave the hat at home. It kind of feels like you're trying to be Justin Timberlake with breasts.

MADONNA: Justin? That guy has feet. We're NOTHING ALIKE.

STELLA: ... Whatever. Let's go home.

May 5, 2009

Met Ball Fug Carpet: Madonna

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Picture Carrie Bradshaw. Now picture her having fallen on hard times, reduced to starting a burlesque show in her apartment to make ends meet while Big weeps over his crippled stock portfolio. Then add absinthe and stir. Voila! You have Madonna:

I would love to have seen Guy Ritchie's face today when he picked up his morning paper and saw the spread on the Met Ball, likely led off with a large color photo of his ex-wife wearing that. He'd either be horrified, deeply gratified that he may have been what cleaved Madge to her last remaining strands of sanity, or laughing too hard to have any opinion other than wondering where you can possibly go in choosing a burlesque pseudonym once your ACTUAL name is already Madonna. First Sunday School teacher plus name of your local supermarket? Grandmother's name plus anagram of your second husband's surname?

Oh, come on, Madonna, don't walk away now. We were just staring to have some fun. I hadn't even gotten to the part where I'm almost HOPING the taffeta Louis Vuitton tutu is actually bloomers, for fear that you will flash the, er, crack in your armor at every last party guest. Oh well. Another time.

February 25, 2009

Oscar Post-Party Fug Carpet: Madonna

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Clearly, Madonna is the master of reinvention, but I just wish she'd DECIDE on something already. Either she's going to compete in the Miss Jacked-Up America contest by bench-pressing a pile of tires during the talent/formalwear portion...

... or she's slowly becoming Liza Minnelli.

September 2, 2008

RocknFugga

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THANDIE NEWTON: As long as I'm standing still, this should be totally fine.

GUY RITCHIE: I'm not looking. I'm not looking. See? Hand on wife's hip. All good.

MADONNA: How dare that woman expose more flesh than ME. I am MADONNA. Did she not get the memo that I have decided to look like a candidate's depressed wife? Do I have to feed her skinny ass a knuckle sandwich?

GERARD: I can't believe Guy isn't even looking. I would be looking.

THANDIE: Whoever stole my boob tape is in big trouble later. It's bad enough that I have to clutch the front of my dress between my legs.

GUY: Oh, God, I'm like ten seconds away from seeing nipple AND crotch. NOT LOOKING. NOT TOUCHING.

MADONNA: I wonder if Thandie knows I've got pipes like a 25-year old bodybuilder. They will be so helpful when I strangle her with that useless little modesty strip and then hang her from a flagpole.

GERARD: I can't believe Guy isn't even TOUCHING. I would be touching.

August 25, 2008

Fuggy and Fug Tour

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Oh my god, Madonna:

WE GET IT. You've REALLY been working out. Your muscles are amazing. You could crush a man's skull with your quads. Every day, you crack walnuts in your arm pits. You have managed to do what Cher could not and actually turned back time. You're now biologically a 24 year old professional male rock climber who just moonlights as a popular pop star (the positioning of the mic is a bit much, by the way). You are a creature unlike any other and will never age, we promise. Now, will you PLEASE PUT ON SOME PANTS?

August 20, 2008

Fugly and Sweet

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So, Madonna and I share a birthday, and the similarities between us are astounding. For instance, we both have blue eyes and fair skin. We both like England. We are both lapsed Catholics. We both wear shoes. See? It's like we're twins.

But there is one key difference:

[Photo: Splash News]

And that difference is, when I hit the town wearing MY sheer shirt over my favorite black leotard and thigh-highs, I prefer not to look like I have just vomited the contents of my jewelry box down my front. Of course, I also never dress up as Jesus when I'm performing and I've never made out with Britney Spears, so maybe I'm just not living up to my full potential.

July 8, 2008

Fug and Sticky Tour

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WTF

This is curious:

It's like her bottom half is going to dance class, and her top half is going boxing. I guess that's why she's so buff: Hours and hours of tangoing interspersed with punching people. I can't wait until they offer that at my gym.

July 2, 2008

Fug Candy

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[Photo: Splash News]

GUY: Oh, WOULD you hurry up, Queen Madge? We've got a reservation to make.

MADONNA: Listen, Jethro, I've got problems. My satin formal shorts are falling down and my knee's modesty hose are riding up, and when that happens no one can SEE my tights so I need to yank everything up and down and all around so people understand the STATEMENT that I am trying to MAKE, so just LET ME MAKE IT.

GUY: What statement is that? That knee hose are ridiculous? GET ON WITH IT.

MADONNA: May I remind you that you are Guy Richie? And that I am mother-f'ing MADONNA?

GUY: So just because you used to wear cone bras, you can do whatever you want now?

MADONNA: Pretty much, Skippy.

GUY: ...Yeah, I am never going to win this argument.

MADONNA: Nope.

GUY: Carry on.

May 22, 2008

Fug Candy

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GUY: Um, Madge...

MADONNA: Yeeeeees? Will this be quick? I'm busy. I have to look happy, and married. I would advise you to do the same.

GUY: Aren't you forgetting something?

MADONNA: It's a bit too late to tell me you don't like my dress.

GUY: That wasn't what I was going to say. But also, I don't. Up close it's see-through, and you look like a chocolate-dipped disco ball.

MADONNA: But, like, a happy disco ball? A happy disco ball who is married, and happy about it, and happily married?

GUY: It also looks like someone was changing the color and got bored halfway through and just quit on you.

MADONNA: ... because I'm so happily married and you were jealous of his work?

GUY: And the necklace is too much, and the shoulder cutouts are ridiculous. It's like what you'd wear in an overly formal aerobics video.

MADONNA: Aerobics for people who love being married!

GUY: Listen, if you want people to think we're so happy, you could've at least remembered to wear your wedding ring.

MADONNA: I... really? I did? How do you know?

GUY: I've seen other pictures.

MADONNA: What a weird thing to say.

GUY: Let it go. The point is, people are going to NOTICE that you're not wearing your goddamn wedding ring if you're so happily married.

MADONNA: ENOUGH. Touch me. SELL IT.

GU: Fine. FINE. And your face does at least look nice.

MADONNA: SEE? SEE, PEOPLE? EVERYTHING IS FINE. LOVE! SO MUCH LOVE.

GU: You've still got it. You even almost sell the crazy dress. Maybe I DO still love you. And maybe I even love that dress.

MADONNA: Now shut up and smile.

Madonna

Sticky and Fug Tour

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Fugdonna

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Met Ball Fug Carpet: Madonna

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Oscar Post-Party Fug Carpet: Madonna

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RocknFugga

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Fuggy and Fug Tour

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Fugly and Sweet

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Fug and Sticky Tour

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Fug Candy

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Fug Candy

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