Madonna Archives

March 11, 2008

Fugtify My Love

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SIGH,
transparency

JUSTIN: This... is awkward. I don't want to scare anyone, but Madonna isn't wearing pants.

IGGY: WELCOME TO THE 80s, PAL. And the 90s, actually. Would anyone like a nibble? This is PRIME BEEF. I am a FLESH MACHINE.

MADONNA: The hair works, right? Katherine Heigl's been doing this hair, and she's young. So it must make ME look young.

JUSTIN: It was MEANT to be transparent, right? Am I supposed to look? And LIKE IT? I mean, I haven't seen her since she made out with Britney at the VMAs and then asked me about tricep dips. I don't want to go back to that conversation. Especially not with her looking like a zombie.

IGGY: Just let it all hang out, bro. Holy hell, this feels good. I'm lusting for life all over again. Don't you just want to sink your teeth into this fresh meat? I'll trade someone! Madonna looks a bit gamey, but that kid down the end might taste just right.

MADONNA: And the arms, they work, right? Young people have great arms. Justin probably has awesome arms. He's kind of my inspiration, actually. God, I just want to use my fearsome guns to tear off his young flesh and eat it.

JUSTIN: I don't know why, but I'm suddenly afraid that Madonna is going to use her fearsome guns to tear off my young flesh and eat it.

IGGY: I wonder what it'd taste like if I used Madonna's fearsome guns to tear off that kid's young flesh and eat it.

MADONNA: Also, I mean, my FACE looks pretty young. I wonder if anyone will notice that my eyes look different, and that I'm taking makeup tips from Hilary Duff. She's young. It's good, right? It must be. I'm ageless. I'm wearing a see-through pinafore with hot pants and J.Lo boots and my arms would scare Popeye and my hair is totally Modern-Day Marilyn and I LOOK YOUNG. BECAUSE I ALWAYS WILL BE.

IGGY: Could someone pass me the salt?

JUSTIN: Are we done here? Please, Jesus, can we be done here?

March 6, 2008

Fug the Cover: Madonna

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Call me crazy, but I feel like there comes a point in a woman's life where she needs to put away unflattering droopy-diaper shorts and freakishly low-cut corset-esque sports bras and move on. Even if that woman IS Madonna.

December 1, 2006

Well Played: Marcia Cross

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Desperate Housewives

Oh, we love us some Marcia Cross. We love her wig-whipping-off, attempted-murdering, apartment-exploding, lobotomy-giving, crazy ass on Melrose Place, and she's been the only one of the Desperate Housewives to remain consistantly interesting, despite whatever the rest of those meddling, klutzy bitches were up to. (Actually, DH is kind of good this season, but you didn't hear it from me.) And we love her work with Melrose Place's resident caddish horndog, Dr. Michael Mancini, so much that just yesterday Heather and I were wishing La Cross would wear something hidie so that we could mention how bad we want Mark Cherry to give Thomas Calabro a job in some kind of public forum. Unfortunately, we then realized how unlikely that was: Marcia Cross almost never looks bad. See?

Va-va-va-voom without being tacky, and I love the color. Can you imagine if Britney had dressed like this when she was pregnant, instead of in sheer tops and -- oh, what the hell am I saying? Now that we know that Britney wants to run out and flash her girl parts at people with Paris Hilton, we should just be grateful things weren't worse earlier. My point is: Marcia Cross is one hot -- yet appropriate -- pregnant lady, and for that, we salute her.

Also, if Marc Cherry is uninterested in adding Thomas Calabro to his stable of former Melrose Placeians, may we suggest Laura "Sydney Andrews" Leighton? Look at how much fun these two are having, recalling all the times Marcia had to try to kill Laura/break up her marriage/frame her for framing someone for murder/get her addicted to drugs, etc?

Those are some good times.

February 9, 2006

Grammy Post-Party Fug: Madonna

The more Madonna tries to yoga off all her body fat and dress like she's in her 20s, the more she ends up looking like a cartoon character.

I know Madonna is and always will be an icon, but come on: That face is beginning to look crazy.

As for the getup: The boots-leggings are more Posh Spice territory than Madge's, and that top is more Duff, Lohan, or Clarkson than Aging Queen of Pop Who, Although She's Still Got It, Really Needs To Stop Kidding Herself And Cease Pretending It's Not Creepy That She Is Trying To Pass As Britney's Contemporary -- Although We Are Grateful She Changed Out Of The Tights She Wore On-Stage, As We Are Very Weary Of Her Crotch Right About Now.

November 7, 2005

Fugliful Stranger

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I present to you the cover illustration for Madonna's new children's book, The Velveteen Footman:

The new gentrified Madge continues to fascinate and confuse me. She's half-Joan Collins, half-saucy livery lad.

Although I do think this particular outfit would make the 1980s' jelly-bracelets-and-corsets Madonna a bit less suicidal than, say, English Country Living Esther, she of the horse accident and the tweed suits and the heartwarming kiddie moralizing and the ladylike laughing while strolling her palatial, rough-hewn British back lawn. Because although Madam Ritchie is all into being Ms. Lotsa de Casha, it's occasionally comforting to see that her lotsa de crassa side hasn't completely died.

Madonna

Fugtify My Love

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Fug the Cover: Madonna

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Well Played: Marcia Cross

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Grammy Post-Party Fug: Madonna

Fugliful Stranger

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