Christina Aguilera Archives

January 6, 2010

Unfug It Up: Christina Aguilera

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I feel like Christina, after having been AWOL for a while, is suddenly all over the place, and I am pleased. I sort of missed her. But...

Oh, honey. There's something about this that reminds me of a kicky old broad who entertains the rest of the residents at the senior center by showing off the routines she learned when she was a Rockette. Six hundred years ago. While I would give that woman a high five and pour her another G&T, I want to rush this one off the red carpet and hustle her into something that looks less like lingerie and more like an actual dress. And then maybe wash her face. Because without all that slap, girlfriend can look like this:

Continue reading Unfug It Up: Christina Aguilera.

December 22, 2009

XFugina

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people we don't see out much

Just the other day, I was wondering to someone what ever happened to Christina Aguilera -- probably because I spend the entirety of every episode of Jersey Shore thinking that Snooki totally looks like an oranger version of the Dirrty Xtina. Other than popping up on DirectTV commercials, Christina has seemingly kind of disappeared. I'm sure she has more money than several small banks, and she's probably just enjoying being a mom while her son is so young, but I kind of miss her. She could really sing and also she used to show up places wearing chaps or hotpants or hotplates and it was fun. You know? Those were the days. Anyway, just ONE DAY after I wondered where she was, HERE SHE IS:

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

A) I apparently have magical powers. Ergo, I hereby wonder why Jon Hamm hasn't stopped by with a foot-long meatball sub for me yet. I SAID, I WONDER WHY JON HAMM HASN'T STOPPED BY WITH A MEATBALL SUB.

B) Fine, I guess my magical powers are unpredictable. Regardless! HERE'S XTINA!

C) And while I wouldn't have used the curtains from the guest bedroom as my scarf, it has been chilly here, so God bless.

September 25, 2009

Fuggie In A Bottle

So this is kind of...

I mean, it's not totally... but there's that part... it's like her pelvis is... or maybe it's stretched, like... and I just don't... it's like it ran out of... and I can't really... you know? I mean, right? God, I'm so glad we had this talk.

April 29, 2009

I Am Beautiful, No Matter What They Fug

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If they ever remake The Warriors, I think they could give Christina Aguilera a cameo as the leader of a vicious Accessory Gang that rules its territory with an iron scarf.

It's not even that the outfit itself is so poisonous -- although there is a lot going on, from the admittedly killer shoes to the tight cuffed jeans artfully distressed, to the long tee and cropped blazer and scarf and rings and blue nail polish and lipstick as red as Ferris Bueller's Ferrari. No, what really caps this whole ensemble for me is the fact that Christina looks like she wants to punch us all in our innocent, vulnerable throats (once she's done backcombing her hair, that is). The general air of being aroused by her own animosity both scares me and sours me on the clothes, because all I can see is her grinning maniacally as she snaps that scarf between her hands and menaces some sad photographer who is just trying to get her to smile.

Also, maybe I spoke too soon:

Maybe the outfit IS poisonous. It's like my grandmother always would have said, had we ever discussed ths issue: "Bedazzled blazers tell no lies." She was wise.

November 11, 2008

Ain't No Other Fug But You

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"DUDES. You should have been there last night. After 2 a.m., I still had three cauldrons going at once, everyone was chanting, and if you've never tried eye of newt... well, let's just say I woke up four hours later in a pile of twelve people, some popcorn, and a Chia Pet. You know how it goes."

October 17, 2008

Save Me From My Fug

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Well, I can't see what's under the cute coat.

[Photo: WENN]

But if this is all the enthusiasm SHE can muster, something tells me I don't want to know.

PS: And that's a big no on the lipstick shade, C.Ag. You look like you've been making out with an ice sculpture.

PPS: How much foundation does it take to cover not only your face, but all that cleavage? In these trying economic times, might it be a good idea to make cuts in your decolletage budget? Just wondering.

October 16, 2008

Back To Fugsics

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When it came to Christina Aguilera, I used to think to myself, "Honey, a little hoochie goes a long way." And now I'm saying the same about Pucci.

Not that she wants to hear it, as evidenced by her spectacular "TALK TO THE HAND, bitches" face. But you know what, Christina? I WILL talk to your hand. I will look it in the palm and say, "Look, Hand, you did good work buckling those hot shoes. For real. But the pattern over her boobs kind of reminds me of that scene in Star Wars where they identify the Death Star's key weakness and how to exploit it. And the shirt, the bangs, and the makeup are so aggressive that she doesn't even look like herself any more. Know whose fault that is? YOURS, and your little friend on the other side who helps put all this stuff on her in the first place. So DIAL DOWN THE BETRAYAL, Hando Calrissian, because everyone knows that pawns of the Dark Side usually end up dead anyway."

She really is almost unrecognizable. Let's go in for a close-up:

Continue reading Back To Fugsics.

September 8, 2008

VMAs Fug Carpet: Christina Aguilera

One of our eagle-eyed reader sent in this pic of Christina Aguilera, noting that when she first caught a quick glimpse of it, she thought, "Damn! Donatella Versace got some good work done!"

And now that's all I can think of when I see this. Because it's TRUE. She looks like she's about ten minutes away from screaming for some tan, oiled-up dudes to carry her out of the venue on their muscular shoulders. Which would actually be kind of awesome, so carry on.

September 3, 2008

Fugged to Basics

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makeup mishaps

Uh, you guys? Which one of you said you were going to talk to Christina about her makeup?

[Photo: Splash]

I KNOW I assigned one of you to that at our last meeting. Did you and the dude who was supposed to be handling Celebrities Wearing The Wrong Size Shoe, and the people on the No One Else Can See What Size It Is, So Go Up One If You Have To task force just go out for drinks, or something? DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?

Okay, okay. I accept your apology. And you're right: I had reassigned all of you to the Emergency WTF Is Up With Those Jeans Katie Holmes Keeps Wearing? Squad. But that's under control now. I need you guys back on the Aguilera beat.

Oh, and hey! When you confront her, maybe you can show her this, to remind her how fresh and young and gorgeous she can look when she loses the mask?

Continue reading Fugged to Basics.

November 29, 2007

Fug the Cover: Christina Aguilera

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Marie Claire

Well, this is one way to officially confirm your pregnancy:

As well as your tragic addiction to bronzer, last night's eye liner and those bitchin' cropped jackets of fashion's proudest decade, the 80s. There IS something hilarious about this photo being juxtaposed with the headline, "Tanning, bleaching, botox: ARE YOU OBSESSED?" as Xtina here looks to be deeply in thrall to at least two of said vices. I'm just not quite sure what either Our Lady of the Bleach or Marie Claire were thinking: Christina's been nothing if not sexily classing it up since marrying her baby daddy, and while there is a less tacky way to pose nude on the cover of a magazine...this ain't it.

Christina Aguilera

Unfug It Up: Christina Aguilera

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XFugina

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Fuggie In A Bottle

I Am Beautiful, No Matter What They Fug

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Ain't No Other Fug But You

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Save Me From My Fug

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Back To Fugsics

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VMAs Fug Carpet: Christina Aguilera

Fugged to Basics

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Fug the Cover: Christina Aguilera

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