Christina Aguilera

I appreciate Christina's sartorial departure from Hollywood Blvd. chic, but the retro-squeaky-clean approach has gotten a little out of hand:

aguilera2pm.jpg

With the golden-green sparkly sheen, it looks like she's making herself into a doll. [Albeit perhaps a doll who'd been up all night nauseated by a hangover and is trying to cover it.] If she'd back off a bit from looking like a plastic Marilyn impersonator, she'd be in decent shape -- if Madame Tussaud's doesn't think she's a runaway waxwork and nail her down next to her fire-crotched alter-ego for an exhibit entitled, "From Fug To Femme: The Cleansing of Christina."

I'm almost grateful for the flash of cleavage, because it proves she hasn't completely abandoned her... abandon. But I feel like she's a dye job away from reinventing herself on Broadway as Little Orphan Annie, and then what? She's already bet her bottom dollar, and mark my words, there was no sun.

Despite the fact that her apparent Marilyn Monroe fetish is becoming a little bit unsettling, Christina Aguilera for once managed to pull herself together for the Fug Carpet:

Not too shabby, eh? The shoes are pretty cute. The dress is lacking in atrocity. The hair... well, this is a girl who went with a Dee Snyder look for a while, so I'll happily take the overly precious ringlets.

But then, Christina saw fit to change her ensemble for the actual telecast, and in doing so put the Fug back in Fuguilera. Here she is on-stage:

This is a bit of a departure for the Fug Blog: A compliment for Christina Aguilera.

True, a post-makeover Xtina still looks like an old-school screen siren by way of a French bordello and as if she still never met a pair of tweezers she didn't try to use in a booze haze. But, sincerely, she actually looks better than she has in a long time. After years of truly aggressive hair and makeup and some strange clothing that didn't fit her changing figure as she (admirably) packed some pounds on her skinny frame, La Fuguilera has been making way better decisions lately -- at least with regard to her mug. (Is that a bathrobe she's wearing? I can't tell. But as long as it doesn't have cutouts in the wrong place and a vagina fire, then we're okay.)

Although I should point out that the reason this photo caught my attention in the first place was: There's something so amusing about the expression on the sweet dog's face. It says, "Sigh." It says, "Don't even start. You don't even know." That pooch is staring straight at the camera and practically cocking an eyebrow at you in total acknowledgement that you and it are communicating the real story. Has it peeked into the wardrobe of Xtina and seen that the days of relative modesty are coming to a disastrous end? The little angel, whom I want to scoop up and carry off into the sunset, knows something, and he's pretty sure we know it too, deep down in our hearts.

As Ms. A has publicly stated that she is beautiful no matter what we say, and words won't bring her down, I feel no remorse in positing: Maybe the dog knows that you can give a girl ringlets, a comparatively modest dress, and eight pounds of comparatively tasteful face paint, but it still won't clean the crust off her tainted hooch.

But, so what? Bravo to her for the external makeover. May she keep the fug at bay.

July 16, 2004

Xtina Fuguilera

This is not a recent photo, but, thanks to the beauty of "news" photography, even old fug never dies:

This was one of the fourteen looks and weights Ms. Aguilera cycled through before her current beau and possible fiance, Jordan Bratman, Squirrely Music-Exec-Type, "calmed her down" and "cleaned up her act." And by "act," we mean "vagina."

Except, we think that's an impossible task. For one thing, there are rumors; for another, just look at that outfit -- it is a straught-up advertisement that something is fire-hot and burning up in there. She might as well have arrows and little photos of STD mascot Phil The Sore taped to her crotch.

She is also a walking billboard for the dangers of overplucking one's eyebrows. But that's another photo altogether.

The verdict: Megafug.

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