Blu Cantrell

Much in the way it smiles upon the work of ancient Greek and Roman craftsmen, I think history will look back at Blu Cantrell and revere her as an artisan of fug. Just when you think she can't elevate her game any higher, she straps on a rocket pack and shoots up into the fugtosphere.

Of course, the drawback of the rare place in history she's carved for herself is that our children's grandchildren might look back and think we all wore jeans that made us look like we were either pregnant, or that we bloated ourselves for sport. And I don't particularly want my memory any more tarnished than it already will be by the photos of me in stirrup pants in grade 9.

Still, it takes a special woman to wear something that renders the hideousness of that hat -- and the retina-peeling wrongness of that lipstick -- totally beside the point. I wouldn't be at all surprised if she left the house in a year wearing pants that button at the armpit (assuming her necklaces don't strangle her first), which would a) essentially bind her in a denim bodystocking, thereby contradicting the notion of freedom her shirt purports to advocate; and b) serve as the ultimate "FU" to her body and to the world.

By now, many of our regular readers are familiar with GFY reverse-muse Blu Cantrell -- a singer whose style is so intensely insane that we're both frightened by her, and fascinated with her.

Her latest issues would appear to be borne of a follicular mid-life crisis. Here is Lady Blu before:

Okay, so the top of her hair looks kind of... greasy, maybe, and between you and me, her right pupil is freaking me the hell OUT, so perhaps I'm concentrating too hard on her weave. But overall, she's got some flattering waves around her face. It's subtle, and it's not overshadowing the rest of her, which is a good thing. Usually. Except maybe it needed to overshadow THE EYE, which ... seriously, is it just me, or is that thing dilating independently of the other one? Are they supposed to do that? Or is it just an optical illusion?

Ahem. Anyway, all ocular shenanigans aside, I think you'll agree that she looks better in the above photo than she has in the past few days. Let's start with this weekend.

Like a treasured lifemate, Blu Cantrell just keeps on surprising me. Even when I think I know her inside and out, she comes up with something new to awe and amaze:

This time, it's black and white stripped knit leggings.  Jailbird longjohns, if you will. Blu, it's fashion choices like these that keep our relationship evergreen, and for that, I thank you.  I wouldn't be surprised if you ended up with a big, expensive present on November 17th -- Salute Your Fug Day -- chosen and wrapped with love, by me.

Inside it will be a stylist.

So many questions.

How do Blu Cantrell and Oksana Baiul know each other? Did they meet when Oksana decided she wanted to do a figure-skating salute to the joys of getting back at an unfaithful partner, titled Hit Em Up Style: On Ice? Is Blu going to start designing figure-skating costumes involving potentially illegal amounts of mesh? Are they starring in a buddy show for the The CW about a sassy troubled ice skater (think The Cutting Edge!) and a sassy, one-hit-wonder pop star, who run a private detective agency out of the apartment they share, called Skating on Thin Ice,  but which will be referred to in promos as Thin Ice? And finally, what's with the snood?

Well.

I'm out. Blu Cantrell broke me.

Blu, Blu, Blu.

[Photo by Daily Celeb.]

Let's start at -- or near -- the top:

1) Brush your hair.

2) No, better: cut it, or take the ratty extensions out. Whatever you have to do. Beause I'm not sure a brush will get through that briar patch.

3) Your wrap looks like you hacked up a bathrobe.

4) Your skirt is a Crate & Barrel pattern for, like, lawn furniture, or patio umbrellas. Which might have been fine, if not for the bodysuit. And that brings me to...

5) ... The hat (THE HAT) and that dastardly crocheted top, both of which we've seen before. Why are you continuing to build outfits around these, Blu? And if you think that top is so flattering, couldn't you at least pair it with something that flatters it? Not that anything really flatters a piece of loosely formed cotton webbing, but you get the drift. Didn't you JUST teach us all how we can get revenge on our nasty-ass men by stealing their credit cards, taking our friends out, and blowing his financial wad all over Barney's and Fred Segal and Pottery Barn? Is this really the best you could do on that spending spree? You clearly don't have very good friends, if they let you come down from your revenge bender with nothing but a knit bodysuit and jockey's cap to show for it. That is a lame-ass piece of vengeance right there.

6) Your shoes are cute. But it's too late for that now, Blu. The hat -- THE HAT! -- and the bodysuit have kind of ruined your credibility.

Singer Blu Cantrell is giving up the music and joining Stars on Ice!

Or was it Stars on Crack? God, I can't find that press release.

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

How to make your own Grammy dress, courtesy of Blu Cantrell:

1) Find your grandmother's old shawl -- you know, the one she used to wear when she rocked you to sleep as a baby, and which was left to you in her will.

2) Cut that shit UP. If a garment doesn't look like a feral cat mauled you on the way to the party, then it's no good.

3) Grab that tablecloth you've always loved and wrap it around your ass. Hope fervently that it doesn't quite make it all the way around -- the better to flash some thigh, my dear.

4) Keep the tablecloth there by wrapping a swath of gold lame around your waist and safety-pinning it.

5) Sneak over to Crazy Cat Lady's house and skin twelve of her pets; stitch them into a coat/shawl type thing as carelessly as possible. It'll be fine -- she's got ten other cats, and besides, wouldn't these beasts prefer photographic immortality to a life in her stuffy old apartment, watching soap operas on the magic noise-making box and eating Friskies? So what if this coat's going to get stepped on by Kanye West and then probably sexed-on by Usher and his regular posse of eighteen, before being stuffed into the back of the closet along with all your old shirts that don't expose any of your stomach. So WHAT? It will look GREAT hanging from your arm -- kind of like you're a modern-day cavewoman.

6) Voila! Pair with aggressive earrings, and you're ready to spend the entire night tugging at various parts of your ensemble to ensure they're in place. It's every girl's dream.

"Janet! [CLICK] Janet, over here! Smile big for us, Janet! [CLICK] Show us some nipple! [CLICK] JAN... wait a second, that's not Janet, that's just some dumb look-alike... Who the hell is that?"

Singer Blu Cantrell, shown above at a fashion-show benefit, was apparently very excited to use this appearance to share with the world her plan to quit singing and become a jockey -- a literal attempt to ride back into cultural relevance, possibly by winning next year's Triple Crown.

Good luck, Blu! Hopefully by then we'll remember why you were ever famous in the first place.