Sarah Jessica Parker Archives

April 20, 2009

Sarah Fugsica Parkfugger

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I am confused, SJP. So confused.

There's Matthew Broderick, looking all smug and slimy with his bow-tie and sideburns, like he's about to go up on a dais and sell you some real-fine genuine incredibly edibly vein-popping time-stopping Youth Tonic, which will mysteriously heal about four people in the audience who were walking with canes. And then there's Sarah Jessica, standing next to him with her feet spread and knees bent like she's on a fast-moving subway and there isn't a stabilizing pole to grab, wearing twee hot-pink shoes that might've been cute with something that wasn't a too-tight satin dress-over-pants and what appears to be a jacket thrown over her shoulders.

I say "appears," because I can't really tell. From this angle, it looks like it could be part of the outfit. As in, attached. Which would be insane, as it makes her shoulder bones seem like they're saddle-shaped.

Looking at it from the side doesn't help much either:

Continue reading Sarah Fugsica Parkfugger.

March 10, 2009

Fugah Jessica Fugker

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Oh my GOD, we GET IT, you're working on another Sex and the City movie.

Fine: I don't really hate this. It just sort of ANNOYS me for potentially irrational reasons. The shoes are sort of hot, in a dominatrix kind of way. The green snakeskin dress and blinged-out cuffs are funky. And I would probably enjoy the fur stole, were it not such an impotent defense against New York's forty-degree temps. But somehow all of these things together, plus the wrist-length gloves that look less utilitarian than they are an homage to Karl Lagerfeld -- as if he ran into her one day, pressed them into her arms, and said, "Hands are for the helpless, darling. HIDE THEM AND BE FREE" -- all appear to want to bang us over the head with her former alter-ego. Like she doesn't REALLY want to look like Carrie Bradshaw all the time (and indeed will tell people how anti-fashion she tends to be in her real life, despite all evidence to the contrary) but God forbid you stop remembering that they are the same person, and HEAVEN FORFEND the day that the media decides it doesn't care how Michael Patrick King plans to further assassinate his characters with weird scatalogical jokes and insulting plot points, because she has 100 coy responses about the SATC sequel written and ready to be deployed. So LOOK OUT. Carrie Jessica Bradshaw is here to stay until that damn thing is shot and in the can.

February 25, 2009

Oscar Fug Carpet: Sarah Jessica Parker

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SJP: And what are YOU giggling at, Matthew?

MATTHEW BRODERICK: I'm just... hee... suddenly craving gumballs.

SJP: Very funny.

MATTHEW: Do you think your sister Glinda the Good Witch could conjure a few for me?

SJP: Ha ha...

MATTHEW: Or some Milk Duds?

SJP: Right, or how about some Junior Mints, I'm telling everyone my dress is a gentle "barely mint" color? I get it. You are SO hilarious.

MATTHEW: Look, I told you not to wear a giant boob shelf that had sprouted a tutu. You are not in a ballet called Silicone Valleys.

SJP: THESE ARE VERY REAL.

MATTHEW: Yeah, and you managed to make them look fake. That's quite an achievement.

SJP: Can it, Ferris.

MATTHEW: That reminds me -- just WAIT until you hear my stash of "cans" jokes.

SJP: Sigh.

February 11, 2009

Scrolldown Fug: Sarah Jessica Parker

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These pictures have been floating around for a while now, but with all the hullabaloo with the Grammys and the BAFTAs and trying to shake out all our winter clothing so we don't freeze and die at Fashion Week, we hadn't been able to get to them yet.

For those who aren't aware: What looks like just a regular photo of Sarah Jessica Parker out running errands in New York...

[Photo: Splash News]

... turns into a Mephistophelian nightmare.

Let's go in for a close-up:

Continue reading Scrolldown Fug: Sarah Jessica Parker.

January 13, 2009

Fug in the Fugly

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[All photos: WENN]

MATT DILLON: Hi, Sarah Jessica, it's good to see you. Shall we go inside?

SJP: Matt, I just... hang on, I need to ... does my dress look weird?

MATT: Is this one of those trick questions? Because that is a LOT of plaid...

SJP: No, I mean... I can't seem to... it won't... Gah, is it bad around my boobs?

MATT: I am not good at these situations. Maybe you should ask someone else? Here, try this guy.

Continue reading Fug in the Fugly.

November 26, 2008

Fugentino

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SJP: Sweet JESUS.

VALENTINO: Yes, isn't he? Darling fellow.

SJP: No, I mean... your skin.

VALENTINO: You mean my face-clothes?

SJP: Yes, if... yes.

VALENTINO: Deep hues are so hot this winter, no?

SJP: Sir, let me put it to you this way: If we were in a coloring book, and someone handed me a box of Crayola 64, I wouldn't know what shade to make your face. There's Sunglow, Tan, Antique Brass, Bittersweet, Burnt Sienna, Burnt Orange, Red Orange, plain old Brown or Orange, Fun In The Sun, Mango Tango, Outrageous Orange, and my personal favorites Neon Carrot and Atomic Tangerine. And ALL of them look more like nature than your face does.

VALENTINO: Your sleeves appear to be disintegrating. Is there a crayon called Moth-Eaten?

SJP: I'm serious, V. I'm worried about you. Did you paint yourself the color of an oven-roasted turkey to be festive? Did someone ask you to bring sweet-potato casserole to dinner this year, and you mistook it to mean that they wanted you to BE a sweet-potato casserole?

VALENTINO: I LOVE casseroles. They're so quaint. Like sweatervests.

SJP: I'm not kidding -- my son carved a pumpkin this Halloween that looks just like you. Are you even LISTENING to me?

VALENTINO: Is that a silver scrunchy on your wrist? Are you a college dorm-room doorknob? Festive! Have you some Fig Newtons? How about a hot plate?

SJP: Oh, forget it. I tried.

October 22, 2008

Square Fugs

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Hey Granny! What are you doing out of the house?

Oh, sorry, SJP -- it's just you. The fuzzy cardigan and prim little bun confused me. I thought you were about to offer me some General Foods International Coffee and ask if I wanted to watch Days with you, while spying on the neighbors during commercial breaks and looking over your bank statements (the answer to that is: yes). And now I guess I've earned myself a visit from the Great Beyond tonight, when my grandma decides to pop back down to earth and inform me that she would NEVER wear two-toned hose designed to look like a knee-length leggings/stockings combo or a dress that looks like a bedsheet, especially with that cardigan tossed over it. Then I'd ask her after the rest of my dead relatives, which I assume she will dismiss with an eye roll, and then she'd yell at me to hurry up and get married because my eggs are drying up, and THEN she'd tell me to forget that, because men are more trouble than they're worth, and then we'd make deviled eggs and then I'd tell her to say hello to Elvis for me, and she'd tell me that Elvis IS ALIVE, and then that mystery would finally be solved. So, thanks, SJP -- I've been wanting to catch up with my grandma for ages.

October 16, 2008

Fug the Cover: Sarah Jessica Parker

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I was made aware of this particular cover thanks to our friends at Girl With a Satchel, and....oh, SJP. It almost seems as though her eyes are looking in two different directions. Neither of which are at us.She just looks so tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired. And I get it. Hasn't she been promoting Sex and the City in one way or another for the last fifteen years? And now they're all blah blah blah sequel blah blah blah prequel blah blah blah books blah blah blah LET IT GO. SAY GOOD-BYE. NOW MIGHT NOT BE THE TIME TO MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT $1200 SHOES, YOU KNOW, CULTURALLY SPEAKING. Let your super-spendy time-capsule franchise take a wee vacation. Like the one SJP looks like she needs here. Girl can't even rouse herself to do anything about those roots. On the other hand, at least her top provides ample room for snack-related bloatery. I can't complain about that.

May 28, 2008

Sex and the Fugly: A Well Played, and a Not So Much

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I secretly -- except not, apparently, since I just said it on my blog -- love Sarah Jessica Parker's dress.

I know it looks a tiny bit like spacesuit material, or that it's been covered in cling film, but she just looks so pretty in it. Everyone is watching; why NOT go big, right? There are photos where she's walking around while playing with the skirt and stretching it out, and dammit, I would do the exact same thing if I were Princess For A Day in that gown. [Incidentally, I would also take Matthew aside and be all, "Listen, Ferris, would it KILL YOU to act like you are proud to be with me?" His left meathook is plopped onto her waist like it's radioactive, and his facial expression is saying to me, "Shoot, there's that girl whose best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend who heard from the guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw me pass out at 31 Flavors last night. She is totally going to bust me for being here instead of being at home dying of some mysterious wasting disease. How much longer do I have to do this?" SNAP TO, BRODERICK. Or else, to put it in WarGames parlance, you are going to be at DEFCON1 when you get home.]

But while she gets to swan around like the bride, it's a tad unfortunate that Kristin Davis is stuck in something that makes her look like Sarah Jessica's eternal handmaiden:

Continue reading Sex and the Fugly: A Well Played, and a Not So Much.

May 20, 2008

Fug the Cover: SJP

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We have gotten A LOT of email about this one:

I don't full-on hate it. Other than the fact that her expression is totally blank and she's kind of working the Dead Eyes and she appears to be mid-sentence, I have to appreciate the fact that Vogue's Photoshop henchmen didn't completely erase all of SJP's wrinkles the way every other magazine covering the Sex and the City movie has. Just, you know, a vast majority of them. Look, SJP is hardly a wrinkly old hag. But she's got a line here or there -- because of something we call aging -- and you'd never know it from all the covers she's landed on lately, in which she looks as smooth of forehead and supple of cheek as a wee baby. I think my main issue with this cover, actually, is that it's sort of unflattering and boring and if ever there were an occasion to stick Sarah Jessica Parker in a giant hot pink tutu, a gold-plated bodice, knee-high lace-up moonboots covered in fur, and a giant, peacock-feather headdress, THIS IS IT. Why'd you let me down like that, A Dubs?

Sarah Jessica Parker

Sarah Fugsica Parkfugger

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Fugah Jessica Fugker

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Oscar Fug Carpet: Sarah Jessica Parker

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Scrolldown Fug: Sarah Jessica Parker

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Fug in the Fugly

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Fugentino

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Square Fugs

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Fug the Cover: Sarah Jessica Parker

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Sex and the Fugly: A Well Played, and a Not So Much

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Fug the Cover: SJP

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