Sarah Jessica Parker

We have gotten A LOT of email about this one:

I don't full-on hate it. Other than the fact that her expression is totally blank and she's kind of working the Dead Eyes and she appears to be mid-sentence, I have to appreciate the fact that Vogue's Photoshop henchmen didn't completely erase all of SJP's wrinkles the way every other magazine covering the Sex and the City movie has. Just, you know, a vast majority of them. Look, SJP is hardly a wrinkly old hag. But she's got a line here or there -- because of something we call aging -- and you'd never know it from all the covers she's landed on lately, in which she looks as smooth of forehead and supple of cheek as a wee baby.  I think my main issue with this cover, actually, is that it's sort of unflattering and boring and if ever there were an occasion to stick Sarah Jessica Parker in a giant hot pink tutu, a gold-plated bodice, knee-high lace-up moonboots covered in fur, and a giant, peacock-feather headdress, THIS IS IT. Why'd you let me down like that, A Dubs?

"You know, screw it. So WHAT if I lost the coin toss and had to be the one separating Sarah Jessica and Kim. BIG DEAL if Kim's fingernail is making my back bleed because she is digging into it, thinking it's Sarah Jessica's hand. Who cares? I look fantastic. AGAIN. This is my revenge for how they never let Miranda be as fabulous as the other three. Although, Kristen and Sarah Jessica look nice, too, but WHAT is going on with Kim? It's like she has a satchel sewn to her hip, and the dress is all pulled and strange... I wonder... I mean, I don't want to point fingers, but I DID see Sarah Jessica's assistant trying to bury a hot glue gun in a planter, although Kristin told me Patricia Field was just trying to decide whether it would work as a last-minute headpiece. But she might have been kidding... Oh, whatever, I can't keep up with who hates whom these days. All I know is, if I look like a million bucks one more time, they're all going to hate ME. And I'm going to LOVE IT, because I EARNED THIS, bitches. Take that, breast cancer. You lose, and I am hot, and every man here is bummed I'm not into putting sausage on the grill. RECOGNIZE!"

KRISTIN: Oh... my!

CYNTHIA: Wow, it's so... wow!

KIM: I seriously cannot believe this bitch.

SJP: Why, hello, photographers! I'm here! Can you believe our little show blossomed into a movie?

KRISTIN: I'm not stuck sitting behind her, am I?

CYNTHIA: Nah, I'm sure they gave that seat to Kim.

KIM: Seriously, NO ONE is looking at me, and that is not normal. Hello? Everyone? I'm the naked sex maniac! I'm the one that supposedly hates all these clowns! LOOK AT ME!

SJP: It's amazing what the show has done! I mean, you plant a seed, and it just grows and grows...

KRISTIN: At least this way no one's noticing that Kim and I are in the same color, or that her hair is kinda pointy.

CYNTHIA: Or that your boobs look kind of strange in that.

KRISTIN: Hey, whose side are you on?

SJP: ... and you can either cut off the flower and put it in a vase to die, or you can let the bees get into it and spread the pollen, and create a garden of comedy...

CYNTHIA: I'm hypnotized. Kim is going to cut her.

KIM: I AM GOING TO CUT HER.

SJP: ... and you water it, and suddenly it blossoms into a mature flower...

KRISTIN: Ten bucks says Kim snaps in five minutes.

CYNTHIA: Double or nothing says it's two.

KIM: Oh, I'll snap. I'll snap her like a twig. There is a GIANT living up there and it's called HER EGO and so I have to CHOP DOWN HER BEANSTALK.

SJP: ... and I will NOT put Carrie Bradshaw in a vase! She's too remarkable. I needed the world to keep holding the hosepipe that waters the garden of Carrie.

KIM: I am going to water her head-garden with a little hose I call THE TOILET BOWL.

KRISTIN: You know, I might be okay with that.

CYNTHIA: At this rate we'll have to film the sequel in separate rooms and splice it together.

KIM: That's assuming she doesn't wear an entire POTTING SHED on her head at the U.S. premiere...

SJP: Oh, hi, guys. When did you get here?

KIM... in which case, there will be no sequel because I will have shoved a pitchfork up her nose.

CYNTHIA: And that's $20 to me, please, Kristin.

So, last night was the Met's annual benefit gala, which is always a TREAT for me, because it's basically a shitload of models and socialites, with a sprinkling of selected actresses, dressing to the nines -- no, not even the nines. Like the tens. -- doing the whole W magazine "W Eye" society party thing, which I just find fascinating. And every year, this particular event is a gold mine of fashion, from the utterly sublime to the completely absurd. For example:

Sublime:

Of course, it helps that she's incredibly beautiful to begin with, and this certainly isn't particularly risky. But as we always say here at GFY  HQ: there's nothing wrong with deciding to just look pretty. And, MAN, Thandie Newton is pretty.

Absurd:

Sarah Jessica Parker thinks nobody warned her against wearing this dress, but in actuality, she simply couldn't hear them: The skirt first enters the room so many minutes before her body that it absorbed everyone's cries of protest.

Sarah Jessica Parker made an uncharacteristic fashion misstep at the premiere of The Family Stone:

Say what you will about La Parker, she usually manages to leave the house looking neat and charming and flatteringly retro, and it almost always works.  But here? She looks like she's wearing a burial shroud. I haven't read any reviews of The Family Stone yet, but even if it IS bad, I can't believe it could possibly be so bad as to qualify as SJP's funeral.

Flashback courtesy of The Sarah Jessica Diaries: 2004:

"Yeeeeeah, I'm sorry. I'm realizing right now that the sandbox-chic shorts and the sleeves just sort of make me look delusional, like I think I'm a kid again. But... I am really whimsical! Younger than my years! And Matthew told me I looked tomboyish in this, which means I'm super hot, because for some reason, he gets really turned on when I downplay my feminine side. It's just how he is. We're simple! Playful! Why, just the other day, I came home and he and some extra from The Producers were wrestling on the floor! We love being playful!

"And besides, I was Annie when I was a kid -- this is just adult moppet-wear, kind of like the blue knickers-based outfit Aileen Quinn wore in the movie version when she accidentally kicked Albert Finney in the knee and then told him to screw off with his adoption and his Tiffany locket because she wanted her real parents. So really, if you think about it, I look awesome and awesomely youthful in these evening shorts. And when I get home and put my hair into a ponytail, I know Matthew's going to get so hot that he insists we play a rousing (arousing?) game of Robespierre/Young French Revolutionary. I've tried to tell him that most revolutionaries were guys, but... I don't know, I think he's just progressive with his fantasies, you know?"

Sarah Jessica Parker appears to be slightly disoriented by her fug:

[Photo: Splash News]

Indeed, after falling into The Gap, it's easy to lose your equilibrium, doubly harder when you swaddle yourself in a vortex of polka dots, tiny ruffles, and pearls on your out-of-nowhere red shoes.

And... I can't tell if that's just a collar, or a collar that's attached to the dress itself. All I know is, her right breast is slooooowly trying to escape by leaking out over the side.

Sarah Jessica Parker has just shot an ad for The Gap:

Ms. Fugker has always been one that must be photographed carefully, as her face walks the fine line -- the line of her nose, I believe -- between strikingly cute and shockingly scary. This photograph carelessly shoves her features into The Fug Zone, and it's really not helping, because we need something to distract us from the general fugocity of her clothing.

SJP designed the jeans and customized the shirt. She erred. She has no right to look whimsical in this photo, because it is hard proof that the influence of Sex stylist Patricia Field is toxic tonic indeed.

Jessica: I say knever to knickers.
Heather: So gross. Big fat kno.
Jessica: She also looks like she is missing a kneck there.

The whole ensemble, as displayed, is a cross between the costume in a gay chorus and the uniform of a Revolutionary War soldier. Maybe our troops back then were beating back the Brits with the heels of their pumps in some kind of choreographed battlefield cabaret. Who knew the American Revolution was so damn kicky?