Nicole Kidman Archives

November 23, 2009

American Music Awards Fug Show: Nicole Kidman and Kate Hudson

Fug file:

NICOLE KIDMAN: Do you think people can tell I'm reading from the teleprompter?

KATE HUDSON: I forgot my glasses.

NICOLE: And your shirt.

KATE: What?

NICOLE: Nothing.

KATE: Why are we at the AMAs?

NICOLE: Well, I'm married to a musician.

KATE: So? I'm dating a baseball player and I don't get to vote for the Cy Young Award.

NICOLE: That joke would have worked better if you were dating a pitcher.

KATE: Oh, shut up. That OUTFIT would have worked better if you weren't wearing my grandma's guest room bedspread, unwashed since 1971.

NICOLE: YOUR outfit would have worked better if your HEAD didn't look like you put it on backward.

KATE: WELL I NEVER. No, seriously. Why are we even doing this?

NICOLE: We're in that movie together. With the singing and the dancing and Daniel Day Lewis.

KATE: Isn't ringing a bell.

NICOLE: It's the one where I'm trying to remind people how awesome I was in Moulin Rouge, and you're pretending that you don't desperately miss Matthew McConaughey.

KATE: Oh, RIGHT. Ugh, so we're in for at least another month of this, right?

NICOLE: It's going to be a bumpy ride.

November 12, 2009

CMA Awards Fug Carpet: Nicole Kidman

Fug file:

KEITH URBAN: Psst. Nicole?

NICOLE KIDMAN: Yes?

KEITH: Things had been going so well.

NICOLE: I don't understand. Isn't this color so lovely? Isn't this dress pretty?

KEITH: Yes, but...

NICOLE: And isn't my hair redder than it's been in years?

KEITH: Totally, which is...

NICOLE: Then what? What more do you people want from me?

KEITH: How about circulation in your boobs?

NICOLE: I don't know what you mean.

KEITH: That might be because you can no longer feel them.

NICOLE: But isn't cleavage sexy?

KEITH: Not when it looks a mangled stress toy.

NICOLE: WELL. I wasn't going to say anything about how you're wearing a shirt that's unbuttoned to your sternum -- AGAIN -- but since you're being all huffy...

KEITH: Nice try. But people expect to see my waxed chest. They DEMAND IT.

NICOLE: Riiiight.

KEITH: But they DON'T expect YOUR chest to look like it melted while you were sleeping.

NICOLE: Can we just go inside and get this over with? Now that you mention it, I DO feel like my boobs are about to burst.

KEITH: The open bar will fix that.

NICOLE: Bless.

November 11, 2009

Well Played, Nicole Kidman

Fug file:

dialogue,
red

NICOLE KIDMAN: That's right, bitches! THE RED HAIR IS BACK.

KEITH URBAN: Can't see from my facial expression how relieved I am by this development?

NICOLE: Can't you see from MY facial expression that I know how HOT I look? And please, can it with all the "you don't HAVE facial expressions, Nicole" comments. I'M JUST SERENE IN MY TITIAN HOTNESS.

KEITH: Can't you see from my facial expression that I'm stoked that tonight's outfit didn't require chestal-waxing?

NICOLE: Can't we stop talking about you? And focus on ME?

KEITH: Yes, honey. Trust me, we're all glad you're back.

June 3, 2009

Belatedly Well Played, Nicole Kidman

This post is about a month overdue, and I'm not sure why we never got around to it before, but it's never really too late to sing hymns of joy to the heavens, is it? Some team of angels up there somewhere is having a bad day and is going to be all, "You know what, thanks, Fug Girls, because we were out of Philadelphia Cream Cheese and we spilled Diet Coke on our robes, and the harp broke a string, and now God's all mad because Spencer Pratt won't shut his lousy piehole for five minutes -- so, the tardiness of your praise, resulting from your inattention to detail in the last month, ended up turning this craptacular day into a fairly decent one, even if your crooned praises make our ears want to bleed a little. Here, have a Divine Twinkie, on us."

So here we go: Thanks to some new photos from a movie set, we can finally scream HALLELUJAH.

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

Nicole Kidman has gone back to having a hair color. And it's a RED color.Okay, so she might still be Botoxed to the nines, but she's not washed out nor bleached to within an inch of her scalp's life, nor do I fear I need to confine her to her bedchamber and feed her chicken soup. She looks so much better! Ladies and gentlemen, IT'S ALIVE!

poll by twiigs.com

February 27, 2009

Oscar Ceremony Fug: Nicole Kidman

Fug file:

I just... I wish so many things. I wish I had a Diet Coke in my hand. I wish all the daytime soaps didn't suck right now. I wish those Charmin commercials with the dancing cartoon bears who flaunt their wiping habits had never been made. And I wish Nicole Kidman would stop wearing white.

I also wish she hadn't done her hair that way, but let's get back to the clothes: White DOES NOT WORK FOR ME ON HER BODY. Although Nicole has done what she can with makeup, I think it totally washes out her beautiful skin, especially without the darker red hair to balance it. As a fair skinned person myself, if I wore this, I suspect someone would come up to me and say, "I'm so sorry to see that you apparently have been locked in an attic for five years. You must have very strong WiFi in your house." Not to mention how the gown itself seems overly slouchy, and as if it's some sort of dying exotic bird that is about to molt its last feathers. I mean, seriously, if I yanked out the tails of some of my old My Little Pony toys and crimped them, and glued them to a skirt, it would be a pretty decent approximation of what's happening down around her feet. It saddens me. Bounce back with some color next time, Nic. I know you can do it -- you once wore chartreuse, woman! Be bold again.

October 23, 2008

Fug The Cover: Nicole Kidman

Fug file:

Sigh. I got spoiled, guys. When Nicole Kidman was pregnant, she looked so much more like her normal, pre-Botox, To Die For self and I guess I hoped it would stay that way. Because I am naive.

Look at her back in April, though:

Seriously, is that a FACIAL EXPRESSION I detect? Traces of actual movement in her brow? SMILE LINES? I thought she'd blitzed those off her face completely.

Compare that with the RoboKidman on the cover of this month's Australian In Style:

Continue reading Fug The Cover: Nicole Kidman.

October 7, 2008

Fug the Cover: Nicole Kidman

Fug file:

bad hair,
Elle

"HELLO READERS! I'm just getting out of the shower! You'll have to excuse my hair! Please, take a seat and read about how you can fix your awesome boyfriend's terrible moves in the sack! I suggest you read this issue while sitting across from him and taking notes! You do that now, while I go find my diffuser or a ponytail holder or something! Be back in a jiff!"

April 17, 2008

CMT Awards Fug Carpet: Nicole Kidman

Fug file:

red

We've been a little hard on Nicole Kidman occasionally, especially how she ALLEGEDLY seems to have jacked up her former face with so much paralyzing Botox. But I have to say, I am not one of those conspiracy theorists who believes she's faking the pregnancy, because a) that's insane; b) this is not Passions, as much as I wish it were and that Zombie Kidman would start showing up at events, although maybe she DID and that explains why Nic seemed a bit bodysnatched the last year or so; c) she looks pregnant in ways that are hard to fake, like her face; d) I can't think of a good reason why Nicole Kidman would need to go through all the rigamarole to fake something like that when she's adopted before, and also, again, NOT INSANE; e) she's got a glow lately, and it really suits her.

I don't really even care about the dress, although that ruby color is fantastic on her. What grabbed me was the loose, flirty, relaxed hair and what appears to be a genuine smile -- those are things she's been missing for a while, in favor of looking really pulled-tight and rigid and wan. Now if only she would get in line behind Nicole Richie at the Los Angeles Clinic For Looking Like Healthy And Lovely Like This All The Time And Not Just When You're Knocked Up, we'd be in business.

February 20, 2008

His Fug Materials: The Golden Fugpass

Fug file:

You know, whether it's fair or not, I feel like if Cate Blanchett wore this I'd be sitting here thinking, "Oh, that crazy Cate, always trying something endearingly wacky." Maybe she'd even pull it off. But when fellow Aussie Nicole Kidman attempts things that are off-kilter, it just makes me tired.

It's like, "Remember me? From that movie I did a long time ago that you liked? Well, this movie didn't really work out, but hey, I'm still acting! Still here! My younger husband waxes his chest and I brush his hair! It's what all the kids are doing! I'M HIP AND RELEVANT! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! " Meanwhile we're watching her airbrushed, still-Botoxed face stare smugly at all those sheer panels on the sternum, the thighs, and the ribcage, relieved that it is not the one dressed like an overly treated art-deco window in a Victorian funeral home. Although I'll give her this: At least it's distracting us from fixating on her bump. Or her allegedly missing Botox.

poll by twiigs.com

December 17, 2007

The Golden Fugpass

How nice of Nicole Kidman to detour off the Yellow Brick Road for her movie premiere.

But be warned, Nic: Now that the Tin Man has a heart, he's going to have LOTS of horny women dressed in aluminum foil competing for the chance to break it. So you'd better get going again if you want to be the one manning his oil can.

Nicole Kidman

American Music Awards Fug Show: Nicole Kidman and Kate Hudson

Fug file:

CMA Awards Fug Carpet: Nicole Kidman

Fug file:

Well Played, Nicole Kidman

Fug file:

Belatedly Well Played, Nicole Kidman

Oscar Ceremony Fug: Nicole Kidman

Fug file:

Fug The Cover: Nicole Kidman

Fug file:

Fug the Cover: Nicole Kidman

Fug file:

CMT Awards Fug Carpet: Nicole Kidman

Fug file:

His Fug Materials: The Golden Fugpass

Fug file:

The Golden Fugpass

Search

Fug Favorites

Featured Fugger

The Book of fug

Subscribe to GFY

Featured Brands

Featured Searches