Heidi Klum

My tank is almost empty, guys: I'm running out of things to say about jumpsuits. They're slowly joining leggings on my list of things about which there are fewer and fewer original ways to register my displeasure. Maybe I need a second safe word. "Altoids" is my all-encompassing word of protest about leggings (for which my objections are curiously strong, making it apt); I've yet to come up with an appropriate one for jumpsuits, though. And I'm going to need it, because they're still EVERYWHERE.


[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

Leona Lewis has gone for a boobalicious genie version that makes her look squat and square and bow-legged, like someone pushed down on her head really hard until her knees buckled sideways. It's absurd enough that it makes me imagine Tyra Banks wearing it at one of her ANTM judgings, except Tyra probably would make it knee-length, because she's crazy and I think sometimes she likes looking like a really inappropriately dressed paratrooper.

Heidi Klum got into the jumpsuit action too:

I hate to step on Tim Gunn's lines, but this IS a whole lot of look. Also, I'm concerned. Gather round:



Klum, of course, is one of those women who can get away with wearing a lot of things, and I admire her work on behalf of heart disease in women (which is why she's wearing red), but this looks a bit...overworked, shall we say? It's kind of like what would happen if origami had a baby with those aluminum foil swans they wrap your leftovers in at various restaurants. And then got dunked in a vat of nail polish. And took a drunken lap through the accessories department at Excessive R Us.  And then...okay, I guess that's it. But isn't that enough? Or, rather, too much? I thought so. Thank you. Carry on!

The problem with Heidi Klum is that she could probably show up somewhere wearing a bag of sugar and a hat made of three live cats and sort of pull it off, because she's so dang good-looking. Let me be clear: this is probably not a problem for HER. But IT MAKES OUR LIVES HARDER. How are we supposed to know WHAT TO THINK ABOUT HER? Like, take this, for example:



That is one big flower. The whole thing, in fact, is kind of Carrie Bradshaw on steroids. Although I appreciate the fact that she hasn't accessorized with a six-pound, solid-gold "HEIDI" necklace, or broken up with Seal twelve times on the way into this party, only to finally allow him to marry her at the end of the event even though he's been a total manchild who will never grow up, thus sending a message to the women of America that -- okay, deep breaths. I'm still not over how crappy that Sex and the City movie, I guess. Call me, Kristin Davis: we can commiserate! What was I talking about? Ah, yes: this frock.
 

There's a point at which I think it's impossible to question Heidi Klum wearing something super tiny and short -- even if it's wrinkling in a way that makes it look like it has a fish mouth. I mean, she's Heidi Klum. She probably can't help it. I'm sure it's really hard being inescapably hot. She probably TRIES to leave the house in track pants and army boots, but by the time she gets anywhere, OOPS, her legs have freed themselves of their own accord and she's back to wearing a glorified napkin-slash-origami mail slot. I grieve for her.



What I DON'T understand is why she's wearing bear traps on her feet when a nice strappy sandal would work just as nicely -- and with less bone damage. I guess these are the perils of being a supermodel in the wild. You never know what nefarious plot is going to entrap your ankles. Come to think of it, that sounds an awful lot like it will turn into an America's Next Top Model runway challenge. Maybe hunting and outdoor-equipment stores should agree in advance to decline J. Alexander's MasterCard.

Disclaimer: I believe -- and this will not be controversial -- that Heidi Klum has great legs. They are an international treasure. She should not be ashamed of them, and if I could have mine amputated and replaced with hers, I would happily do it even if it meant selling my kidneys.

However, if I were Heidi Klum and I were at a Gucci event that took place at the United Nations -- hosted by Madonna and benefiting UNICEF -- I might consider wearing more than a glorified shirt.

This reminds me of that scene in Clueless where Cher tells her skeptical father of her white micro-mini, "It's a dress," and her dad Dan Hedaya replies, "Says who?" And Cher replies, "Calvin Klein!" I am assuming Gucci helped outfit Ms. Klum-Seal, and I kind of want to remind her that just because Gucci claims it's a dress, that doesn't make it so. When she sits down at dinner it's going to look like she's on the commode. I find myself HOPING she's got a pair of hot pants under there, and I generally NEVER hope for hot pants unless they're associated with a Baby Phat show or an episode of Passions in which Tabitha turns everyone into pieces of clothing in a stripper's closet. Having legs for days is a blessing, but that doesn't mean you can't take at least ONE of those days off, know what I mean?

Apparently it was catching. Behold Gwyneth Paltrow, generally someone who appears to take herself way too seriously to let much of anything hang out:

Everybody loves Heidi Klum! Project Runway is so entertaining! She's so pretty! She seems really happy with Seal! She's a savvy business woman! She's got great hair!

And so I can't ding her for wearing something shiny and sparkly and short to a Victoria's Secret function. For one thing,  Victoria's Secret is all about shiny and sparkly and short. For another, she's totally pulling it off.

Unfortunately, kind of literally:

So, Heidi Klum would look good in a potato sack cinched with baling wire, obviously, although that sounds both stabby and scratchy, but I feel like she kind of outdid herself here:

Do I love the hair and makeup? I don't know. Do I wish Seal had properly fastened his tie and collar? Yes. Are they still one of my favorite couples? Yes, especially since he brought his own camera, which I always find charmingly normal. Do I want to run up to her, distract her with something shiny, and somehow manage to talk her into trading her dress for what I'm wearing (jeans, a tank top and a UCLA hoodie -- extremely chic for the red carpet, no? Very Deconstructed Post-Collegiate Athletic Fan, VERY au courant, tres, tres merveilleux, darlings, perfect for fall, you MUST have it.)? Yes. Yes, I do. I want to wear it everywhere.

HEIDI: No, really. Do I ever look bad? Even when I show up on Project Runway wearing lederhosen and, like, a pumpkin as a hat, don't you just look at me and go, "yeah, she pulled that shit off."  I mean, look at me.

DEBRA: And I? Well, let's be honest. While I got fugged last week, I bounced back pretty well, didn't I? SUCK ON THAT, YOU BITCHES. I am WORKING THIS HOT DRESS.

HEIDI: I  am married to Seal, and we seem to be really happy together.

DEBRA: I'm married to...some guy! And we seem...no one has heard otherwise!

HEIDI: I have got some cute kids.

DEBRA: My child is also cute.

HEIDI: My television show is a huge success.

DEBRA: My new mini-series is....well, let's be honest, Heidi.  People may be watching it because nothing else is on TV right now, but once they do, they're finding it surprisingly entertaining.  No, really. I'm really kind of charming in it!  And did I mention that I look great tonight?

HEIDI: I have great hai --

DEBRA: Don't even go there.  You can wear a pumpkin on your head and no one bats an eye. My hair is all I've got sometimes, okay?

HEIDI: Well, it is pretty.

DEBRA: Thank you, Heidi.

HEIDI: Aw, so needy. You're welcome, liebling.  But shouldn't we be inside at the bar already?

DEBRA: At last, you've said something I don't feel that I need to rebut.

By now, we're all aware of the unspeakable crime against mammaries that Drew Barrymore committed when she grabbed her emerald sheath off the rack and said, "Oh, to hell with it, my girls have always been able to support themselves." [Except she's kind of dippy, so it probably came out more like, "Womanhood is a bulging blossom, and those lady flowers have to grow and breathe on their own -- just like the wind, you know?"]

And, just like all of you, we watched with a wince as her breasts began a tortoise-and-the-other-tortoise race to hit the ground first. With one move, the left one would drop a notch lower than the right. Then, as she shifted position, Leftie ground to a halt and let Rightie snag the lead. By the time she had finished her spiel, an audience member allegedly muttered confusedly, "Huh. She's not very busty... but her knee caps sure look awfully swollen."

Drew -- who unlike Dr. Sunkentits does not have a name that anagrams to anything more exciting than, "Bra worry? Merde!" -- may have been the most visible shunner of undergarments, but it would be remiss to think she is the only person who disrespected her golden globes.

Consider, for instance, Heidi Klum:

Props to Heidi for her happy marriage, her cute kids, and for walking in a Victoria's Secret show not long after giving birth; however, I am disappointed that this post-pregnancy outing is of the "Incredible Sinking Breasts" variety. The collar-and-leash setup is violent enough, but the waistline of the dress coupled with how low the bodice sits makes her chest look like decrepit dunes that are slowly leaking sand. Indeed, that neck harness actually makes it look like she's trying to keep her feuding rack and nape separated so that they can just please get through the night without them starting an awkward catfight.

Along those lines: Emma Thompson, who is darling and delightful and whose shtick hasn't grown weary yet (although hereafter I am ignoring the existence of the nightmarishly named Nanny McPhee, just in case), didn't exactly flatter her assets either:

She looks like she's having fun, so I almost feel bad pointing out how pancaked her chest looks because the bodice is down around her ribcage. Those aren't breasts, they're a short stack -- and with how far down that platter they're placed, there's plenty of room for the rest of the Grand Slam breakfast.

So, chin -- and chest -- up, Drew. You're not the only one who seems confused about what to do with your friends.

Heidi Klum looks remarkably cheerful for someone who just went through a paper shredder:

L