Charlize Theron Archives

March 4, 2009

Fug or Fab: Charlize Theron

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metallics

I think I might really like this. It's one of those dresses that probably only works if you're Charlize, you're 7-foot-45 and model-thin, and your legs are longer than a marathon.

If I -- in all my 5'5"-on-a-good-day glory -- tried to put that on, I'd look like I'd been ambushed by the worst gift-wrapper in Nordstrom history. But the glamazonian Ms. Theron can wear all that fabric and still have ten yards of leg poking out the bottom, so it's not as overwhelming as it would be on anyone else. It's times like this that I wish Willy Wonka had a factory nearby so I could go on a tour and maybe accidentally get caught in some sort of stretching contraption, miraculously being rescued just when my height hits six feet. Sure, it would hurt, but fashion is pain.

That said, I'm still not sold on the neckline: Is it just me or does she look like she might be choking a little?

poll by twiigs.com

September 24, 2008

The Burning Fug

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CHARLIZE: Hey, Stuart?

STUART: Yes, Charlize?

CHARLIZE: You know how they say couples who are together a long time start to look alike?

STUART: Yes, Charlize.

CHARLIZE: Well, you're doing it. Right now.

STUART: Oh yes, Charlize?

CHARLIZE: Yes. My lip-pursing sourpuss thing. You're doing it. And did you HAVE to wear a skull-and-crossbones shirt on the same day I'm wearing my lace-up pirate frock?

STUART: Yes, Charlize.

CHARLIZE: Even our skin is the same color. You've clearly been using my bronzer.

STUART: Yes, Charlize.

CHARLIZE: What's next? My flats? My lip gloss? My coif? I know I'm hot, but isn't this a little Single White Female-style extreme?

STUART: Yes, Charlize.

CHARLIZE: And is agreeing with me all the time part of your plan?

STUART: Yes, Charlize.

CHARLIZE: Well, here's one for you: Are you NEVER going to work in anything interesting again?

STUART: Yes, Charlize. ... Wait, what?

CHARLIZE: HA. Gotcha.

August 22, 2008

Fugcock

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Oh, these two crazy kids. I'm sure this is actually just another run-of-the-mill promotional appearance, in which Will Smith talks about being good-looking and having lots of sex with Jada, and Charlize Theron laughs riotously along with him as if she's never ONCE wondered whether any those closeted-dudes-and-the-beards-who-cloak-them Blind Items apply to the Smiths.

But it sure looks like maybe they're doing an infomercial together for an amazing new flesh-toned bandage that lets you strap shoes to your feet that are actually at least a half-size too large. And that while Charlize appears to be enjoying their on-air camaraderie, she secretly loathes him, and is undermining him to the audience by deliberately using her microphone in a series of lewd or lurid gestures. This one says simply, "Ha ha ha, yeah, laugh it up, wanker, I'm going to put paint thinner in your cornflakes. Also, my feet f'ing HURT."

July 1, 2008

Hanfug

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So, there's "I'm Charlize Theron, and as such, I look good in just about anything," and then there's "I'm Charlize Theron, and I'm so tall and hot that I could show up in a dress that shoves my boobs down to my navel and is thinner than one-ply airport toilet paper, and pair it with bedazzled flip-flops, and you will SUCK IT UP AND LIKE IT."

I'm thinking this one falls into the latter category, and you know what, Charlie? I will NOT suck that up, even if you hand me a bendy straw and tell me it's Diet Coke.

June 19, 2008

Fugcock

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So, it turns out Charlize Theron is in Hancock. Are you surprised? I am. From the previews it seems like the movie is just Will Smith flying around and being cranky and doing the smashy-smashy for two hours, with occasional asides from Jason Bateman. (To be honest, though, that's probably enough for me to go see it, because Will Smith's action movies are a guilty pleasure of mine and the brilliant Jason Bateman is a non-guilty pleasure, so that right there is a savvily mixed cocktail of awesome.)

But yes, apparently Charlize -- an Oscar winner, but hey, who cares about stuff like that when Will Smith is wearing tank tops? -- tags along for some of the ride, kind of like making sure there's beer at the party for dudes who don't drink the hard stuff. However, the jury is having a tough time rendering a solid verdict on Ms. Theron's various outfits. That's where you come in, sweet readers.

Let's start with London:

The defense is busy drooling (just like the guys behind her in the photo), so the prosecution takes this moment to jump in and suggest that one should never stand like that while wearing a dress that's cut so severely, because it makes you look backwards, and as if you have shoulder blades for boobs. Also, her shoe looks a half-size too big, and it's all a little bit The First Lady Attends A State Funeral. The defense chokes back a randy comment about her legs in favor of pointing out that ANYONE showing up at a funeral in a dress cut that high would put the "fun" in "funeral" and should therefore be considered a hero.

Now let's jet back in time, to Paris:

Continue reading Fugcock.

June 2, 2008

MTV Movie Awards Fug Carpet: Charlize Theron

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You know how it goes: It's a Monday, one weekend just ended and the next one is SO VERY FAR away, and I haven't had caffeine yet. Ergo, I have been staring and staring and staring at this photograph, wondering if there is ANY possible way that I have hallucinated it in my weakened condition.

I mean... tell me honestly: Did I sleep through an apocalypse? Did a new world order declare a pox on willowy blondes, forever dooming them to weird shirts that don't fit? And why do I feel like her boobs are secretly angry robot eyes? Is it judging me? Is it going to replicate? Will a plague of cruel silver corsets rain down on my house later today and make me wear them with gladiator sandals and leggings? Does the new villainous race of cyborgs that clearly just took over our planet REALLY want to dredge up memories of Aeon Flux?

Most importantly, will a Diet Coke make this all go away? I think I owe it to myself to try.

May 13, 2008

Fug or Fab: Charlize Theron

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purple,
ruffles

This is a gorgeous deep purple, and being as Charlize Theron is the tallest drink of water this side of the Schlitz pitcher on my coffee table, this dress's best chance of succeeding is definitely on her body.

[Photo: Splash News]

She's at least got the neck to carry off that much ruffle -- whereas, say, Hilary Duff would look like her head was being served up in the middle of a purple cabbage salad. But I'm not even 100 percent sure all that hoo-ha is doing Charlize that many favors, either. I mean, that is a LOT of business going on up there, you know? A little around the neck can be pretty; a lot walks a very fine line between "dramatic" and The Estate of Carmen Miranda Presents: The Search For The Next Carmen Miranda: Copacabanalicious.

poll by twiigs.com

March 7, 2008

Fug or Fab: Charlize Theron

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grey,
polls

In life, I hate vertical blinds. But on Charlize Theron, I think I can live with them.

It's an odd concept for a dress: The top is sort of half-window treatment, half-binder, and from the hips down it looks like someone shredded a piece of that old computer paper that had the perforated strip of holes running down both sides. And yet, I like it. There's something cool about it. And while I suspect that something cool might be the six-foot-infinity blonde around whom it's wrapped, it might also be that there's a weird aura of Interpretive Body Armor about it. Like she's some kind of fashion warrior. If vertical blinds looked that funky on their own, I'd be living in an entire den of them.

poll by twiigs.com

February 18, 2008

Aeon Fug

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When I saw this photo of Charlize Theron, the second thing I thought -- after wondering if she's slightly over-tweezed, or if it's just me -- was, "She is pretty. Stuart Townsend looks like he just realized he has a piece of spinach on his teeth and he's desperate to keep it hidden, but she seems happy and she's probably wearing something cute." Then I concluded, per usual, that she could probably poke her legs through a giant handbag and pull it off with, if not ease, something approaching aplomb.

Of course, then I saw the full-length photo.

Continue reading Aeon Fug.

August 10, 2007

Fugster

Obviously, Charlize Theron is really, really attractive. Let's not even pretend that she isn't. She's one of those people who'd look semi-decent in a wooden barrel, inducing someone somewhere to gasp "I had no idea that barrels are so deliciously cylindrical! I must have one for fall!" So, sometimes it's hard to me to tell if her outfit is actually cute, or if I were to, say, put it on my own body I would react thusly: "OH MY GOD NO. NO NO NO NO. GET IT OFF MEEEEE."

Like this one. It's bright and shiny and blouse-y and bag-ish and I am distracted by all the gathering and pleating. But she sort of carries it off, no? Or yes? Or no.

poll by twiigs.com...

Charlize Theron

Fug or Fab: Charlize Theron

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The Burning Fug

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Fugcock

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Hanfug

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Fugcock

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MTV Movie Awards Fug Carpet: Charlize Theron

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Fug or Fab: Charlize Theron

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Fug or Fab: Charlize Theron

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Aeon Fug

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Fugster

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