Charlize Theron Archives

November 5, 2009

The Fugd

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metallics

This was going to be a scrolldown fug, but frankly, I'm not that enamored of any of it.

That looks like an ornate bathrobe -- like what Charlize might throw on at home in her dressing room if, say, she's about to take a scrappy orphan girl to the movies, and she'd like to sing about it for a bit first while she powders her nose. The shoes seem totally discordant with the rest of the outfit -- just because they have sparkly things on them, it doesn't mean they're formal -- and I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that Charlize spent the entire night with her hand covering her crotch, just in case her robe keeps riding up there and threatening to turn "Let's Go To The Movies" into an odd euphemism -- albeit one that Daddy Warbucks would enjoy.

September 11, 2009

Monstfug

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From the neck down, I can work with this. It's not that exciting, and it could maybe have used a neck or arm accessory, but on the whole it's just fine.

But what is going on with Charlize's head? The lack of makeup makes her look ill, and her hair looks like when you wake up the morning AFTER a fancy event and you're trying to figure out where all the bobby pins went, and whether they might be hiding alongside your panties. But I am pretty sure she shouldn't have attempted any kind of hairdo at all without a hot-oil treatment. Charlize, have you met Mr. Duane Reade? He hangs out on just about every NYC street corner, and he's got any number of elixirs in his arsenal that could help you.

September 10, 2009

North Fugtry

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bad hair

I never feel older or more stodgy than when I am gripped with the compulsion to tell someone, "You're such a pretty girl, if you'd just get that HAIR out of your face!"

And yet:

CHARLIZE. You are SUCH a pretty girl. If you would JUST get that HAIR OUT OF YOUR FACE.

Also, with your coif curtain drawn thusly, for a second I thought you were Nicole Kidman. Which isn't exactly a bad thing, unless you saw Australia. Which I did. So... maybe put that hair back next time, for real.

March 4, 2009

Fug or Fab: Charlize Theron

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metallics

I think I might really like this. It's one of those dresses that probably only works if you're Charlize, you're 7-foot-45 and model-thin, and your legs are longer than a marathon.

If I -- in all my 5'5"-on-a-good-day glory -- tried to put that on, I'd look like I'd been ambushed by the worst gift-wrapper in Nordstrom history. But the glamazonian Ms. Theron can wear all that fabric and still have ten yards of leg poking out the bottom, so it's not as overwhelming as it would be on anyone else. It's times like this that I wish Willy Wonka had a factory nearby so I could go on a tour and maybe accidentally get caught in some sort of stretching contraption, miraculously being rescued just when my height hits six feet. Sure, it would hurt, but fashion is pain.

That said, I'm still not sold on the neckline: Is it just me or does she look like she might be choking a little?

poll by twiigs.com

September 24, 2008

The Burning Fug

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CHARLIZE: Hey, Stuart?

STUART: Yes, Charlize?

CHARLIZE: You know how they say couples who are together a long time start to look alike?

STUART: Yes, Charlize.

CHARLIZE: Well, you're doing it. Right now.

STUART: Oh yes, Charlize?

CHARLIZE: Yes. My lip-pursing sourpuss thing. You're doing it. And did you HAVE to wear a skull-and-crossbones shirt on the same day I'm wearing my lace-up pirate frock?

STUART: Yes, Charlize.

CHARLIZE: Even our skin is the same color. You've clearly been using my bronzer.

STUART: Yes, Charlize.

CHARLIZE: What's next? My flats? My lip gloss? My coif? I know I'm hot, but isn't this a little Single White Female-style extreme?

STUART: Yes, Charlize.

CHARLIZE: And is agreeing with me all the time part of your plan?

STUART: Yes, Charlize.

CHARLIZE: Well, here's one for you: Are you NEVER going to work in anything interesting again?

STUART: Yes, Charlize. ... Wait, what?

CHARLIZE: HA. Gotcha.

August 22, 2008

Fugcock

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Oh, these two crazy kids. I'm sure this is actually just another run-of-the-mill promotional appearance, in which Will Smith talks about being good-looking and having lots of sex with Jada, and Charlize Theron laughs riotously along with him as if she's never ONCE wondered whether any those closeted-dudes-and-the-beards-who-cloak-them Blind Items apply to the Smiths.

But it sure looks like maybe they're doing an infomercial together for an amazing new flesh-toned bandage that lets you strap shoes to your feet that are actually at least a half-size too large. And that while Charlize appears to be enjoying their on-air camaraderie, she secretly loathes him, and is undermining him to the audience by deliberately using her microphone in a series of lewd or lurid gestures. This one says simply, "Ha ha ha, yeah, laugh it up, wanker, I'm going to put paint thinner in your cornflakes. Also, my feet f'ing HURT."

July 1, 2008

Hanfug

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So, there's "I'm Charlize Theron, and as such, I look good in just about anything," and then there's "I'm Charlize Theron, and I'm so tall and hot that I could show up in a dress that shoves my boobs down to my navel and is thinner than one-ply airport toilet paper, and pair it with bedazzled flip-flops, and you will SUCK IT UP AND LIKE IT."

I'm thinking this one falls into the latter category, and you know what, Charlie? I will NOT suck that up, even if you hand me a bendy straw and tell me it's Diet Coke.

June 19, 2008

Fugcock

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So, it turns out Charlize Theron is in Hancock. Are you surprised? I am. From the previews it seems like the movie is just Will Smith flying around and being cranky and doing the smashy-smashy for two hours, with occasional asides from Jason Bateman. (To be honest, though, that's probably enough for me to go see it, because Will Smith's action movies are a guilty pleasure of mine and the brilliant Jason Bateman is a non-guilty pleasure, so that right there is a savvily mixed cocktail of awesome.)

But yes, apparently Charlize -- an Oscar winner, but hey, who cares about stuff like that when Will Smith is wearing tank tops? -- tags along for some of the ride, kind of like making sure there's beer at the party for dudes who don't drink the hard stuff. However, the jury is having a tough time rendering a solid verdict on Ms. Theron's various outfits. That's where you come in, sweet readers.

Let's start with London:

The defense is busy drooling (just like the guys behind her in the photo), so the prosecution takes this moment to jump in and suggest that one should never stand like that while wearing a dress that's cut so severely, because it makes you look backwards, and as if you have shoulder blades for boobs. Also, her shoe looks a half-size too big, and it's all a little bit The First Lady Attends A State Funeral. The defense chokes back a randy comment about her legs in favor of pointing out that ANYONE showing up at a funeral in a dress cut that high would put the "fun" in "funeral" and should therefore be considered a hero.

Now let's jet back in time, to Paris:

Continue reading Fugcock.

June 2, 2008

MTV Movie Awards Fug Carpet: Charlize Theron

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You know how it goes: It's a Monday, one weekend just ended and the next one is SO VERY FAR away, and I haven't had caffeine yet. Ergo, I have been staring and staring and staring at this photograph, wondering if there is ANY possible way that I have hallucinated it in my weakened condition.

I mean... tell me honestly: Did I sleep through an apocalypse? Did a new world order declare a pox on willowy blondes, forever dooming them to weird shirts that don't fit? And why do I feel like her boobs are secretly angry robot eyes? Is it judging me? Is it going to replicate? Will a plague of cruel silver corsets rain down on my house later today and make me wear them with gladiator sandals and leggings? Does the new villainous race of cyborgs that clearly just took over our planet REALLY want to dredge up memories of Aeon Flux?

Most importantly, will a Diet Coke make this all go away? I think I owe it to myself to try.

May 13, 2008

Fug or Fab: Charlize Theron

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purple,
ruffles

This is a gorgeous deep purple, and being as Charlize Theron is the tallest drink of water this side of the Schlitz pitcher on my coffee table, this dress's best chance of succeeding is definitely on her body.

[Photo: Splash News]

She's at least got the neck to carry off that much ruffle -- whereas, say, Hilary Duff would look like her head was being served up in the middle of a purple cabbage salad. But I'm not even 100 percent sure all that hoo-ha is doing Charlize that many favors, either. I mean, that is a LOT of business going on up there, you know? A little around the neck can be pretty; a lot walks a very fine line between "dramatic" and The Estate of Carmen Miranda Presents: The Search For The Next Carmen Miranda: Copacabanalicious.

poll by twiigs.com

Charlize Theron

The Fugd

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Monstfug

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North Fugtry

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Fug or Fab: Charlize Theron

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The Burning Fug

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Fugcock

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Hanfug

Fug file:

Fugcock

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MTV Movie Awards Fug Carpet: Charlize Theron

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Fug or Fab: Charlize Theron

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