Tilda Swinton Archives

November 9, 2009

The Invisible Fug

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makeup mishaps

Last Thursday, GFY Icon of Irreverence Tilda "SWINTON" Swinton turned 49. We celebrated by stapling curtains around our bodies and then drinking champagne out of our highest stilettos -- the former because, let's face it, sometimes that's what SWINTON's outfits look like, and the latter just because it seemed like fun and Intern George hadn't washed our champagne flutes in a few days.

SWINTON evidently feted the day by taking a lesson from Lindsay Lohan on makeup application:

[Photo: WENN.com]

Between the orange foundation and the intense eye brightener, her face looks like a creamsicle. Which is doubly jarring because I believe she's wearing an undertaker's sofa.

I love you, SWINTON. Never change. Happy belated birthday.

September 8, 2009

You The Jury: SWINTONfest '09

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You The Jury

Know what makes a holiday long weekend even better? Returning to work and finding that SWINTON has been a social butterfly. She's been flitting from flick to flick at the Venice Film Festival, so let's put her cavalcade of fashion on trial, shall we?

First up is this number:

The prosecution collectively winces and pulls out a giant pair of sunglasses, citing the retina-searing potency of SWINTON's red-orange lipstick. The lead attorney then asks if she needs the number of a good blacksmith to get those hooves shod, and suggests she needs to be fed more regularly. The defense snorts that the shoes are funky, and compliments SWINTON on her choice of navy and the intricate, sleek draping of this dress. At this, the prosecution chortles and submits the following alternate angle into evidence:

Continue reading You The Jury: SWINTONfest '09.

May 13, 2009

Cannes Well-Played Carpet: SWINTON

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This is quite a day. First, Bai Ling manages to make me afraid we've lost another site mascot (come back, Peldon sisters!), and now I can't help kind of digging on our girl SWINTON here at the Cannes Film Festival's premiere of Up:

The reason I pulled this particular photo is to illustrate why, at first, I thought this might be bell bottoms -- and I was getting ready to fire up some comparison to an outfit I could SWEAR Barbara Harris wore in the original Freaky Friday movie, and perhaps a theory about whether Jodie Foster had cooked up some of the old magic to switch bodies with SWINTON and that maybe this meant we were going to see "Jodie Foster" skipping around Los Angeles in shapeless beige tunics and David Bowie hair and makeup.

But, no. It's not bell bottoms. It's a skirt. And the burgundy is a great color on her -- so much better than the way she usually looks washed-out with the blonde hair and restrained makeup. Even with the faintly odd hairdo, I don't know, I can't help thinking SWINTON here looks like a tall drink of water. Or indeed, a tall glass of cabernet. Am I crazy?

poll by twiigs.com

April 29, 2009

The Limits of Fugtrol

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wearing white

Our long national drought is over -- SWINTON, our White Knight of fug, is back on the scene:

[Photo: WENN.com]

And she's looking remarkably like the president of a company that's manufacturing bolero-handbags, pimping her latest formal shoulder-purse wares at her daughter's wedding. I bet they're full of SECRETS. In the soap opera of my dreams, she'd pull out a hanky, sob a little, and then yank out a giant shotgun and threaten to blow everyone away unless someone steps up and agrees to donate a head to her beloved, decapitated sister.

Such is the power of SWINTON. Her clothes make me dream of high camp.

March 12, 2009

Fug-or-Fab The Cover: SWINTON

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random-ass magazines

This may be the best thing that's ever greeted me in the morning:

Yes, SWINTON. YES. Tyra Banks would drown in her own joyous slobber if one of the ANTM girls managed an angular, lean, high-fashion pose like that (instead, next cycle, she's picking only a bunch of short girls, presumably so she can then lament that none of them know how to look tall and then cut them for not growing). SWINTON is a skyscraper of a woman, but whatever optical illusion they're using -- a step-stool under the skirt? -- makes her look like a veritable beanstalk. Indeed, I wish this could be the Fug Madness statuette. If we kept an on-site metal-worker at GFY HQ, that person would be hard at work today as Intern George danced around clapping like a little girl at a Dora The Explorer festival.

Having said that, of course, it's definitely also a tiny bit freaky. Especially the way it looks like she's the love child of Max Headroom and one of the ashen, ethereal, bloodless Cullens (as described in the hideous Twilight book, as opposed to as depicted in the possibly even MORE hideous Twilight movie). But on the other hand, it's exactly the kind of cover styling one should use for SWINTON -- imagine how discordant it would feel if, say, she showed up on the cover of Redbook in a Talbot's floral smock and pastel lipstick. We'd all look up to make sure the sky wasn't falling, then run to confession just in case.

poll by twiigs.com

March 2, 2009

SWINFUG

Fug file:

caftans,
stripes

"Most beloved Totem of Fug: You have served me well, O Master. You have born in me a legend, a superheroic and hypnotic hold over observers of all things fugly, and tirelessly molded me into a deep badass. Thank you for my destiny, and for helping me start my campaign for the 2010 Fug Madness by wearing something Rainbow Brite's psychic would put on for a reading. I eagerly await your next orders, Beloved One. If you need me to sacrifice something other than my own closet -- say, a twit like Paris Hilton -- you have but to ask and it will be done. All Hail."

February 23, 2009

Oscar Fug Carpet: SWINTON

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flesh tones

The small mercy: SWINTON is at least wearing lipstick, to prevent her looking like a zombie.

The larger mercy: SWINTON, period. Last year she went with the garbage-bag caftan; now, it's her very best funeral sarong and what I think may be a summer poncho she turned into a blouse with the aid of a strategically placed hair elastic.

Sure, okay, she could have added a lei made of Creme Eggs and a blazer woven from porcupine quills, but we have plenty of time for her to rise up the bonkers scale. We're only in the first third of 2009. Isaac Mizrahi just sent handbag hats down the runway, so she's probably just working up to the day when she'll swan into a premiere at Cannes and start stuffing people's business cards into her millinery before kneeling in front of the valet so he can find her wallet. Believe.

February 12, 2009

FUGTON

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Oh, SWINTON, you are such a treasure.

I don't even really have a beef with this. How can I? It's you! In a velvet coat over velvet pants, with a massive fur hat, wearing heels even though you are eleven-foot-twenty and probably have your own beanstalk somewhere in the South of France!

Actually, at first, I thought the headgear was a crazy-ass bouffant wig the likes of which Amy Winehouse would wear if she got the lead in a Cleopatra biopic. And I admit, now that I know it's NOT, I'm a bit lonely for what -- in the immortal words of Tiffany -- could have been so beautiful. I mean, look, if there is anyone in the world whom I want to see playing Wino-as-Cleo, it's SWINTON. Dear, sweet, wackariffic SWINTON. Long may she reign.

February 6, 2009

Fug or Fab: Tilda Swinton

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For some reason last year, Heather and I decided that Tilda Swinton should just start going by "SWINTON." She seems like she could pull off the mono-moniker, right? As well as the caps. In fact, I've often felt like SWINTON would be a welcome addition to the fictional team of celebrity life coaches I have assembled for myself. Like, Tim Gunn is clearly on that team, because he would give me kind yet constructive criticism whenever I did something that concerned him. And Kelly Clarkson would be there for when I decided I needed a super-catchy anthem about a boy I hate (or love to hate. Or hate to love). And SWINTON would be around in case I needed someone to grab me and say, "TREASURE THE AVANT-GARDE. I CAN PULL IT OFF AND SO CAN YOU!" (She would be wrong about my being able to pull it off, but it would be nice and supportive.) I mean, look at how delighted all the extras in this photo appear to be about just being in her prescence:

They're all like, "This is the BEST NIGHT EVER. Only SWINTON could wear a flesh-colored nightie and EMERGE VICTORIOUS(ish. Sorta). I LOVE THE WORLD." It's hard not to be caught up in SWINTONMANIA. They can't help themselves.

poll by twiigs.com

August 27, 2008

Fug or Fab: Tilda Swinton

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yellow

I hope Tilda Swinton's acting career thrives for another 30 years, because I will never NOT be excited at the prospect of seeing what she's wearing -- and I deeply need her to keep herself at the level of public wackitude to which I've become accustomed.

This might not do it:

[Photo: WENN]

I'm torn here. On the one hand, the collar makes it look like she just recently feasted on the carcass of some fresh prey; on the other, the suit fits her pretty well, and frankly, it's just not quite as cracked-out as she's been in the past. The last thing I ever want to do when I look at a photo of Tilda Swinton is yawn and consider bypassing it. I want the extremes -- unmitigated fabulousness or undiluted crazy. I want this outfit to look MORE like someone threw a plate of pasta at her. Although the shoes are kind of psychedelically amusing; they faintly evoke something Strawberry Shortcake would wear if times got rough and she turned to streetwalking. So that's something.

poll by twiigs.com

Tilda Swinton

The Invisible Fug

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You The Jury: SWINTONfest '09

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Cannes Well-Played Carpet: SWINTON

Fug file:

The Limits of Fugtrol

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Fug-or-Fab The Cover: SWINTON

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SWINFUG

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Oscar Fug Carpet: SWINTON

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FUGTON

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Fug or Fab: Tilda Swinton

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Fug or Fab: Tilda Swinton

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