And yet, thank God nobody did. In a crazy mixed-up world where I suddenly WANT Grey's Anatomy to get rid of Katherine Heigl and recently found myself watching an episode of A Shot At Love II With Tila Tequila, it's comforting to know that some things never change; that, no matter what happens, Tilda Swinton WILL leave the house looking like she's about to emcee a charity auction of Charles Barkley's craziest suits. Her fug is an art form -- a Ph.D. dissertation just waiting to be written. I long for the day when someone screams, "Is there a doctor of 21st-Century Swintonist Fashion in the house?" and ten people raise their hands.
Tilda Swinton
Burn After Fugging
And yet, thank God nobody did. In a crazy mixed-up world where I suddenly WANT Grey's Anatomy to get rid of Katherine Heigl and recently found myself watching an episode of A Shot At Love II With Tila Tequila, it's comforting to know that some things never change; that, no matter what happens, Tilda Swinton WILL leave the house looking like she's about to emcee a charity auction of Charles Barkley's craziest suits. Her fug is an art form -- a Ph.D. dissertation just waiting to be written. I long for the day when someone screams, "Is there a doctor of 21st-Century Swintonist Fashion in the house?" and ten people raise their hands.
Met Ball Fug Carpet: Tilda Swinton
The theme for this year's Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute Gala (or, as it is known by nobody, MMACIG) was "Superheroes." And if there is one working actress today whom I'd expect to take that theme and wring it out like a disobedient washcloth, it would be Tilda Swinton -- or as I like to call her, Most Likely To Arrive In The Actual Iron Man Outfit, Complete With Helmet.
And yet:
She has the helmet part on track, thanks to a stylist with four cans of hairspray and an itchy trigger finger. Her makeup artist even got the metallic sheen down pat. So why is the rest of her dressed like she's on her way to her cousin's third wedding in the garden of the vicar's cottage? Tilda Swinton is the person who'd show up as Catwoman Wearing Her Wonder Woman Costume, with a jacket made of Plastic Man and Flash Gordon's head on her lapel. Unless that orange brooch turns out to be some kind of poisoned throwing star that decapitates demons from hell, this is depressingly tame.
At the very least, I'd have been satisfied if Tilda had turned up in something like this:
Oscar Fug Carpet: Tilda Swinton
Okay, full disclosure: when Tilda here won, both Heather and I clapped with glee. Sure, she dresses like a nutjob some of the time, but she seems really coooool, and, like, authentic somehow. You know, she's got that crazy living situation where she and her ex and her current boy toy all live together and she never wears make-up, but it doesn't seem like an affectation and she and Intern George love each other, and if she's good enough for Intern George, she's okay by me. Plus, there's something to be said for someone who's a reliably crazy dresser: I might hate what she's wearing, but at least it's interesting.
See:

I mean...let's just say that Jessica Simpson wore this somewhere. If I'm being honest, I would so let her have it. There would be so many garbage bag jokes, Hefty would cut us a check. And she does look totally uneven, like she caught one of her arms in the limo door on the way over and had to leave it behind as a casualty of war. Or like one half of her body is going to the nunnery to take the veil (after her true love dies in the war, of course, and she will spend all her time in the convent looking radiantly beautiful as a heartbroken-yet-brave bride of Christ, and it will be SO heart-wrenching when it turns out her lover is ALIVE, and yes, I watched a lot of movies about nuns as a child, so what?), and the other half looks like she's going to the nunnery to take the veil, but it was really hot that day. So, yeah, she is not at all wearing what I would wear to the Oscars (two words: turbans!), but it's....Tilda Swinton. This is totally what she wears, like, grocery shopping. I can't totally ding it for her.
Fugga Swinton
I know next to nothing about Tilda Swinton, beyond portions of her acting resume. But the suits she's busted out recently at Cannes make me wish her life was more of an open book (one probably called, as you'll see, something like Suits Me! or Just Jackets!, exclamation points required).
Because I want to know more. I want to see what she sees when she looks into her closet. I want to understand.

I would suggest that she borrowed this from Prince's closet, but she is almost 5'11" and even though the pants are hemmed a touch high, they'd be shorts if this had belonged to He Who Was Once Not Named. It might have once been worn by a member of Duran Duran. Either way, it would appear Tilda wanted very much to give off the impression of 80s glam-rock androgyny (which, given that her resume involves a lot of gender-bending roles in the early going, makes some amount of sense). That might warm my heart -- everyone loves Duran Duran! -- were it not for the hideous brown plastic shoes that look like rejects from the Jessica Simpson Collection of a year ago.
However, that outfit is a wave of sleek splendor compared to the next one.
Fugda Swinton

Poor Tilda. She appears to have learned the hard way that -- for sinister reasons known only to the seedy underbelly of the T.P. industry -- you really, really do not want to squeeze the Charmin.
The Lion, The Witch and the Fugrobe
Apparently, Tilda Swinton is STILL IN CHARACTER as The White Witch from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.
Seriously? I am a little scared. Look, everyone, if you happen to, say, pass out in your closet one day, and wake up and it's very very snowy and she appears and offers you some Turkish Delight, SAY NO.
A Tale of Two Fugs
Wow, Bill Murray can't win -- on either side of him is a fug onslaught:

The lass on Bill's left, slouchy Julie Delpy, tends to be a princess of overt fug, here opting for a retina-blasting melange of color and pattern that could only flatter her figure less if it turned out to be a jumpsuit. And on Bill's right, in a sharp contrast to Delpy, there is the fairly placid fug of Tilda Swinton -- who, despite not having fallen for a stomach-turning color or pattern, did unfortunately select a dress that makes it look like she was gift-wrapped by a bored trainee in the Bloomingdale's customer-service department.
Bill looks more cheerful about her, though, possibly because he's hoping that if he tugs on her ribbon, a gift will present itself to him.
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The Book of fug

A book, huh? Is it just stuff you already put on the Web site?
Nope, we wrote the whole thing fresh, just for you.
Awesome. In that case, I want to read it!
Thank you! Click here to find out all the details!


