Thandie Newton

I'm sure that whatever fabric this is, it's incredibly expensive.



But if it photographs like you are swaddled in Saran Wrap, maybe it's time to spend your hard-earned cash on something that doesn't remind people of the leftovers in the fridge that they should've thrown out two weeks ago.

THANDIE NEWTON: As long as I'm standing still, this should be totally fine.

GUY RITCHIE: I'm not looking. I'm not looking. See? Hand on wife's hip. All good.

MADONNA: How dare that woman expose more flesh than ME. I am MADONNA. Did she not get the memo that I have decided to look like a candidate's depressed wife? Do I have to feed her skinny ass a knuckle sandwich?

GERARD: I can't believe Guy isn't even looking. I would be looking.

THANDIE: Whoever stole my boob tape is in big trouble later. It's bad enough that I have to clutch the front of my dress between my legs.

GUY: Oh, God, I'm like ten seconds away from seeing nipple AND crotch. NOT LOOKING. NOT TOUCHING.

MADONNA: I wonder if Thandie knows I've got pipes like a 25-year old bodybuilder. They will be so helpful when I strangle her with that useless little modesty strip and then hang her from a flagpole.

GERARD: I can't believe Guy isn't even TOUCHING. I would be touching.

Sometimes I wish I could only see this much of Thandie Newton.

Seriously, she is so pretty it hurts. That is some great DNA right there. Unfortunately, sometimes things go a bit haywire with the clothes:

Sigh. I just love a v-neck ruffle. Really, that's not sarcasm -- remember Michelle Williams's yellow Oscar dress the year she was nominated for Brokeback Mountain? I know a lot of people hated it, but it was like MY FAVORITE EVER. Because of the neckline. And the color. But mostly the neckline. Hence, I love this dress on Thandie Newton:

Does it help that she herself is quite gorgeous? Yes. And god knows, this dress is girlie and frilly to the extreme. And yet I love it. And her. And all of you! And life! And SANDWICHES!

Um, sorry about that. It's almost lunchtime. Carry on.

[Photos: Splash News]

THANDIE: WHAT did I say? What do I ALWAYS say?

SCHWIMMER: ... I don't know. Never do a guest-stint on ER?

THANDIE: No. You know very well what it was, but I want to hear it from you. What did I SPECIFICALLY tell you?

SCHWIM: Oh, fine, whatever. You told me to wash up and shave, and stop wearing my scarf like this with my shirt open and a giant coat, because it looks like I'm maybe naked, and blah blah blah.

THANDIE: You're damn RIGHT that's what I said. Look at yourself! You look like you've been on a bender since 2006.

SCHWIM: But why should I listen to you? If that type of lacy shorts thing didn't work on Rihanna then it definitely wasn't ever going to work on you. You're old enough to play her MOTHER, for God's sake.

THANDIE: What?!? Only on a soap where they rapidly age kids 15 years in two episodes, so WATCH IT, Ross. I was only trying to help you look less smelly. But if you imply I look anything less than fabulous at 35, I will drag you out of this dive bar and SO HELP ME JESUS I will beat some sense into you with a Norelco and some Pantene.

SCHWIM: Fine, fine. I'm sorry. Let's make a pact. You check with me before you consider taking fashion tips from a book of funeral parlor wallpaper samples, and I'll... you know, bathe, and stuff.

THANDIE: And the scarf with the open shirt?

SCHWIM: I'll cool it, I promise. Is it really that bad?

THANDIE: Is mine?

SCHWIM: YES.

THANDIE: YES.

SCHWIM: Okay, then.

THANDIE: Now go get us a pitcher. And MAKE IT A PRICEY ONE.

Thandie Newton is hot. Her dress is fab. Her shoes are grand.

So it's really a shame about the tragic accident that ate her hands. At the very least, you'd think she'd go out and get herself a cool hook:

Also, Thandie, because you are British, maybe you don't know that the These Overly Long Sleeves Ate My Extremities look was pioneered and owned by one Jennifer Love Hewitt, circa her stint on Party of Five, which solely consisted of her pulling her sweater sleeves over her hands nervously and telling Bailey that she was really concerned about his drinking. And while God knows we are all about J.Lo.Hew and her false eyelashes around these parts, you're about ten years too late on this particular bandwagon. Push up them sleeves!

Brilliant -- a dress and a cushy little tuffet all in one, so when her shoes start to massacre her feet, Miss Muffet up there can just lean backward and sit. Excellent thinking!

So, last night was the Met's annual benefit gala, which is always a TREAT for me, because it's basically a shitload of models and socialites, with a sprinkling of selected actresses, dressing to the nines -- no, not even the nines. Like the tens. -- doing the whole W magazine "W Eye" society party thing, which I just find fascinating. And every year, this particular event is a gold mine of fashion, from the utterly sublime to the completely absurd. For example:

Sublime:

Of course, it helps that she's incredibly beautiful to begin with, and this certainly isn't particularly risky. But as we always say here at GFY  HQ: there's nothing wrong with deciding to just look pretty. And, MAN, Thandie Newton is pretty.

Absurd:

In a rare consecutive GFY appearance, Thandie Newton -- she of the most vexingly lovely complexion -- proves that there can definitely be too much of a bad thing:

One bad thing is the way the dress falls, which is less "elegant train" than "I took the cover off my duvet and washed it, and then forgot that I did that until I was about to get into bed, and at that point, God, I was really tired and I'd had a couple of glasses of wine and REALLY didn't feel like dealing with that whole mess which is hard to do even when I'm sober, so I said screw it and slept under my duvet without the cover," and the other is the sucking chest wound of a tulle adornment that's perched up there on her torso -- not dissimilar to the little trifle on the white dress she's wearing below. I'm not sure if that's some sort of bug-catcher, or what; our latest pet theory is that she's beginning to use clothes as conceptual art, and these two pieces with their fluffy centerpieces represent the burning hunger inside her that comes from never swallowing any solids.

This feels like an especially dark time in the annals of Hollywood emaciation. Nobody is eating anything that requires chewing.

Sigh. Thandie Newton is so pretty. And yet....

And yet she is wearing what appears to be a failed design from a Project Runway challenge -- one demanding that the designers construct a wedding gown from toilet paper in homage to bridal showers throughout time. I can just see GFY Crush of the Year, the fantastic Tim Gunn, wandering into the workroom, looking over this monstrosity, shaking his head and saying, "I am a bit concerned about where this is going." And then of course the stupid stupid designer would ignore him -- not realizing how valuable Tim Gunn's advice is, and also not realizing that I wish every week that I could just have Tim Gunn tell me what to do with, like, my personal problems, because he's so nice and yet still constructive -- and send this thing down the runway, and Michael Kors would say something about a Kleenex factory exploding, and Nina Garcia would say something about it being "editorial," and the designer would perk up only to deflate when she adds, "but it's way too ugly for an actual bride," and the guest judge would say something polite that means "ew," and then Heidi Klum would look gorgeous and serene and cheerful and then announce that she hates it. So, auf wiedersehen, Thandie. You look like a meringue as invisioned by the Scott Tissue company. And the throw rug doesn't help.

At least you're still very, very pretty.