Katie Price/Jordan Archives

June 8, 2009

Fugtie Fugce

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Often, we've entreated Katie Price to cover up, or put various things away.

But an unflattering $10 rhinestone-studded mini-caftan in a subtle shade of Violent Sunburn is not exactly the solution I envisioned. Which may be for the best -- after all, I did always assume that the day Katie Price's tastes and mine dovetail into beautiful alignment would be the day I leave the house in legwarmers over leggings and a shirt made of Ruffles bags. So, you know, we've got at least a few weeks to go yet.

March 24, 2009

Katie "Fugdan" Fugce

I don't know much about horses except how to bet on them, but I do know this:

[Photo: Splash News]

If I ever decide to go riding, the FIRST things I'm going to don are my knee-socks, pumps, and velour hot pants with matching hoodie. Because open, oozing saddle sores are the new black.

March 13, 2009

Fugie Price

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accessories to the crime

Well, look: On the one hand, Katie Price isn't wearing as much twee pink as she did back in the UK.

[Photo: PacificCoast NewsOnline.com]

On the other, she appears to have traded her favorite color for a gig ruthlessly courting sponsorships by proving she can wear a logo any time, anywhere. Here she seems to be trying to lure Honda**, the former Confederate states, Pirelli, Jesus, the North American Butterfly Association, the dude who makes all those plastic Elvis sunglasses and sells them in Las Vegas, Grateful Dead groupies, and for good measure, the U.S. government. I can't wait until Congress decides to throw some stimulus money at her just because the reps think it's patriotic and deeply symbolic for us to watch someone -- ANYONE, even someone who would cut her skirt six inches shorter if it weren't for that pesky zipper -- pulling dead presidents out of a White House purse like it's some sort of magic trick. Maybe if I get a purse in the shape of Barney's, the good people there will give me discounts on shoes; failing that, I'm just going to make a bag that looks like the Golden Arches so I can at least swing a sympathy Big Mac.

** Fear not, e-mailers -- I did mean Honda, not Volkswagen. There appears to be a Honda logo on her skirt. Maybe she wants to get in bed with Honda because it anagrams to, "Oh, DAN," and she's... really frustrated with how Andrea Zuckerman's R.A. Dan Rubin is behaving on some 90210 reruns. Or because it anagrams to "Nad ho," which... you know what? Never mind.

March 2, 2009

Fugie Price

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Oh my God. When I first saw this photo, it was in thumbnail size, and for a moment my heart stopped because I thought Katie Price was wearing a NUN'S HABIT, and frantically scrolled around trying to find the photo in which a well-placed lightning bolt reduced her to ash.

Fortunately, Satan's lips aren't turning blue just yet -- it's just a headband over her very dark hair. I'm SO relieved that I was mistaken, I almost don't care that she's wearing animal-print leggings.

Well. almost. They're not pink, and I can't see her underboob, so in a sense this is a miracle in our time ALMOST worthy of taking the veil. But, the damn things still make me want to bang my head on my water glass and shout, "ALTOIDS." Excuse me -- I should probably go tape protective padding around all the sharp edges in my home office.

October 29, 2008

Kate and Fug: Unleashed

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In case you were wondering what to wear next time you have to promote BOTH a curling iron and a straightening iron:

I would not advise THIS.

September 3, 2008

Katie Price Fugquestrian

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Katie "Jordan" Price may actually be some kind of marketing genius. I know she apparently rides and has a kiddie-book series about horses, but seriously, the fact that ANYONE paid her to come out with a line of equestrian gear is hilarious.

[Photo: Splash News]

I realize that an "equestrian" doesn't have to be anything more than a person who rides horses, but I always think the word evokes those who wear blazers and jodhpurs and hats while they do dressage, or compete to see who can leap over all those cute fences the fastest and with no mistakes. So naturally, the best person to design gear for horses and riders would be a woman who's mostly famous for being crass and flashing her ginormous knockers everywhere (I know that's tacky, but seriously, at that old enormous size, "knockers" is what they were). Clearly, we are just a step or two away from the entire United Kingdom's equestrian team adopting these as the official uniforms. If you think THAT horse looks terrified at the idea of Katie throwing her leg over its back in that skirt, just imagine what will happen when, say, jumper Michael Whitaker has to do it. I think you can be arrested for that in some countries.

July 17, 2008

Jordan: Pushed to the Fug

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There is really something divine about Katie "Jordan" Price. I mean, this is a girl who does nothing halfway. Her skirts are short, her tan is very bronze, and she never shows up for a promotion -- of anything! -- looking like she just rolled out of bed. For example:

Bless.

And you know there's something special about a girl when your high-class photo service includes a detail shot...of her crotch (safe for work -- they didn't make her take her silvery unitard off):

Continue reading Jordan: Pushed to the Fug.

May 9, 2008

I'm a Celebrity, Fug Me Out of Here!

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unitards

Obviously, one doesn't look to UK celebrity nudist Katie "Jordan" Price for fashion tips. And yet:

My question is, considering that this is the woman who once said she wouldn't wear any skirt longer than 9 inches, does she think this gold item is a belt, or a skirt? I feel like it might be the latter. And that scares me.

As does the fact that she's starting to resemble a wax figure more than ever --- which I didn't think was possible -- but that's a frightening tale for another day.

April 16, 2008

Fugie Price

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costumey,
pink

British cleavage queen Jordan is trying harder and harder to re-brand herself by her actual birth name Katie Price (imagine that), because of how she allegedly separates her raunchy modeling persona from her real life. I would like to try and go with her on that one -- she's sort of amusing on what I've seen of her late-night show with hubby Peter Andre -- but she's so costumey and crazy that it's hard to think of her as any kind of real person at all.

For instance, to promote her autobiography, Katie-Jordan wore a disco Wonder Woman outfit. To debut her new lingerie line, she wore a bra and panties. And now, to pimp her latest children's book Mermaids and Pirates: Follow The Fish, she showed up, of COURSE, in something delightfully literal:

[Photo: Splash News]

That's just fantastic -- it's like the Enchantment Under The Sea dance reimagined as a soft-core ice ballet. Which, of course, is wholly appropriate when celebrating a book that's all about touching things and is aimed at really, really young people. What a successful image makeover this has been.

November 27, 2006

A Whole New Fug

Let's face it: if there would be one item that we would lash out against, unilaterally, it would obviously be shiny pleather leggings:

And yet, loathe as I am to admit it, Katie "Jordan" Price is kind of pulling them off. I have no idea how she got them ON -- baby powder? Vaseline? Prayer? -- but she's kind of working them.

Of course, it's entirely possible that I am feeling particularly charitable toward her because I just watched the video she and Peter Andre made for their cover of "A Whole New World." If you have not yet seen this, do yourself a favor and indulge. As Celine Dion sang so memorably in "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" -- a music video which looks like a three-minute advert for minimalism compared to Jordan and Peter's effort, by the way -- "there were moments of gold, and there were flashes of light. There were things I'd never do again, but then they'd always seemed right. There were nights of endless pleasure. It was more than any laws allow." Truly, the six minutes of black and white deliciousness that is their music video WILL provide you with endless pleasure. More than any laws allow. Enough, in fact, to make you accept black pleather leggings topped with a superfluous belt (because last time I checked, leggings don't have belt loops). It is that powerful. Consider that my gift to you.

Katie Price/Jordan

Fugtie Fugce

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Katie "Fugdan" Fugce

Fugie Price

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Fugie Price

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Kate and Fug: Unleashed

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Katie Price Fugquestrian

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Jordan: Pushed to the Fug

Fug file:

I'm a Celebrity, Fug Me Out of Here!

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Fugie Price

Fug file:

A Whole New Fug

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