Katie Price/Jordan Archives

October 23, 2009

Fugging Out: My Look, My Style, My Life

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Come on, guys.

What did you EXPECT Kate Price to wear to promote her new style guide, Standing Out: My Look, My Style, My Life? (I am devastated, by the way, by my assumption that said book will never be published on our American shores.) (Also, you need to see what she wore in the photos accompanying that article. IT IS...BIZARRE AND AMAZING. BIZMAZING.) Frankly, I can't believe she isn't out and about wearing, like, hotpants with her own face bedazzled onto them and pasties made of her book jacket. THAT is what I've come to expect from Katie Price. But an ensemble that appears to be the result of a Star Trek-themed challenge on Project Runway: Juniors (a show I just invented: tweens and teens making outfits! It will be both awesome and INSUFFERABLE)? BORING.

October 16, 2009

Fugdan

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This is just so SUBTLE.

So UNDERSTATED. Gosh, I hope people don't stop paying attention to her! What if no one SEES HER? What if no one NOTICES HER? THE HORROR.

July 23, 2009

Saphfugger

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So, it appears Katie "Jordan" Price has a new book out!

It's called Sapphire -- as perhaps we should have guessed from her thematically appropriate ensemble - and it's about string theory with a special emphasis on black hole entropy. Oh, wait. I'm wrong. It's actually about a party planner named Sapphire who learns to love again. OR DOES SHE? (I haven't read the book, but I bet that she does.)

I must salute Katie for her...commitment to sparkle motion, shall we say? This girl is wholly willing to dress like a deranged extra from an Adult production of Swan Lake -- let's call it Swan Naked, perhaps, or Swoon Lake, if we're going to be classy about it -- if that's what it takes to move the merchandise. Whatever that merchandise may be. Ahem.

July 20, 2009

Fuggie Price

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Thank god Katie "Jordan" Price is handling her recent divorce with all the gentle sensitivity and low-key good taste we've all come to expect from her, much like Jon Gosselin:

[Photos: Splash News]

Poor tortured soul. Clearly she can barely manage to pull herself out of bed to be wrestled into her feather-trimmed bustier and tutu, so heart-broken is she. Shall we see how these, her virtual widows weeds, look from the rear? [Only marginally safe for work, I hate to break it to you.]

Continue reading Fuggie Price.

June 8, 2009

Fugtie Fugce

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Often, we've entreated Katie Price to cover up, or put various things away.

But an unflattering $10 rhinestone-studded mini-caftan in a subtle shade of Violent Sunburn is not exactly the solution I envisioned. Which may be for the best -- after all, I did always assume that the day Katie Price's tastes and mine dovetail into beautiful alignment would be the day I leave the house in legwarmers over leggings and a shirt made of Ruffles bags. So, you know, we've got at least a few weeks to go yet.

March 24, 2009

Katie "Fugdan" Fugce

I don't know much about horses except how to bet on them, but I do know this:

[Photo: Splash News]

If I ever decide to go riding, the FIRST things I'm going to don are my knee-socks, pumps, and velour hot pants with matching hoodie. Because open, oozing saddle sores are the new black.

March 13, 2009

Fugie Price

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accessories to the crime

Well, look: On the one hand, Katie Price isn't wearing as much twee pink as she did back in the UK.

[Photo: PacificCoast NewsOnline.com]

On the other, she appears to have traded her favorite color for a gig ruthlessly courting sponsorships by proving she can wear a logo any time, anywhere. Here she seems to be trying to lure Honda**, the former Confederate states, Pirelli, Jesus, the North American Butterfly Association, the dude who makes all those plastic Elvis sunglasses and sells them in Las Vegas, Grateful Dead groupies, and for good measure, the U.S. government. I can't wait until Congress decides to throw some stimulus money at her just because the reps think it's patriotic and deeply symbolic for us to watch someone -- ANYONE, even someone who would cut her skirt six inches shorter if it weren't for that pesky zipper -- pulling dead presidents out of a White House purse like it's some sort of magic trick. Maybe if I get a purse in the shape of Barney's, the good people there will give me discounts on shoes; failing that, I'm just going to make a bag that looks like the Golden Arches so I can at least swing a sympathy Big Mac.

** Fear not, e-mailers -- I did mean Honda, not Volkswagen. There appears to be a Honda logo on her skirt. Maybe she wants to get in bed with Honda because it anagrams to, "Oh, DAN," and she's... really frustrated with how Andrea Zuckerman's R.A. Dan Rubin is behaving on some 90210 reruns. Or because it anagrams to "Nad ho," which... you know what? Never mind.

March 2, 2009

Fugie Price

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Oh my God. When I first saw this photo, it was in thumbnail size, and for a moment my heart stopped because I thought Katie Price was wearing a NUN'S HABIT, and frantically scrolled around trying to find the photo in which a well-placed lightning bolt reduced her to ash.

Fortunately, Satan's lips aren't turning blue just yet -- it's just a headband over her very dark hair. I'm SO relieved that I was mistaken, I almost don't care that she's wearing animal-print leggings.

Well. almost. They're not pink, and I can't see her underboob, so in a sense this is a miracle in our time ALMOST worthy of taking the veil. But, the damn things still make me want to bang my head on my water glass and shout, "ALTOIDS." Excuse me -- I should probably go tape protective padding around all the sharp edges in my home office.

October 29, 2008

Kate and Fug: Unleashed

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In case you were wondering what to wear next time you have to promote BOTH a curling iron and a straightening iron:

I would not advise THIS.

September 3, 2008

Katie Price Fugquestrian

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Katie "Jordan" Price may actually be some kind of marketing genius. I know she apparently rides and has a kiddie-book series about horses, but seriously, the fact that ANYONE paid her to come out with a line of equestrian gear is hilarious.

[Photo: Splash News]

I realize that an "equestrian" doesn't have to be anything more than a person who rides horses, but I always think the word evokes those who wear blazers and jodhpurs and hats while they do dressage, or compete to see who can leap over all those cute fences the fastest and with no mistakes. So naturally, the best person to design gear for horses and riders would be a woman who's mostly famous for being crass and flashing her ginormous knockers everywhere (I know that's tacky, but seriously, at that old enormous size, "knockers" is what they were). Clearly, we are just a step or two away from the entire United Kingdom's equestrian team adopting these as the official uniforms. If you think THAT horse looks terrified at the idea of Katie throwing her leg over its back in that skirt, just imagine what will happen when, say, jumper Michael Whitaker has to do it. I think you can be arrested for that in some countries.

Katie Price/Jordan

Fugging Out: My Look, My Style, My Life

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Fugdan

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Saphfugger

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Fuggie Price

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Fugtie Fugce

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Katie "Fugdan" Fugce

Fugie Price

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Fugie Price

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Kate and Fug: Unleashed

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Katie Price Fugquestrian

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