But an unflattering $10 rhinestone-studded mini-caftan in a subtle shade of Violent Sunburn is not exactly the solution I envisioned. Which may be for the best -- after all, I did always assume that the day Katie Price's tastes and mine dovetail into beautiful alignment would be the day I leave the house in legwarmers over leggings and a shirt made of Ruffles bags. So, you know, we've got at least a few weeks to go yet.
Katie Price/Jordan
Fugtie Fugce
But an unflattering $10 rhinestone-studded mini-caftan in a subtle shade of Violent Sunburn is not exactly the solution I envisioned. Which may be for the best -- after all, I did always assume that the day Katie Price's tastes and mine dovetail into beautiful alignment would be the day I leave the house in legwarmers over leggings and a shirt made of Ruffles bags. So, you know, we've got at least a few weeks to go yet.
Katie "Fugdan" Fugce
Fugie Price
[Photo: PacificCoast NewsOnline.com]
On the other, she appears to have traded her favorite color for a gig ruthlessly courting sponsorships by proving she can wear a logo any time, anywhere. Here she seems to be trying to lure Honda**, the former Confederate states, Pirelli, Jesus, the North American Butterfly Association, the dude who makes all those plastic Elvis sunglasses and sells them in Las Vegas, Grateful Dead groupies, and for good measure, the U.S. government. I can't wait until Congress decides to throw some stimulus money at her just because the reps think it's patriotic and deeply symbolic for us to watch someone -- ANYONE, even someone who would cut her skirt six inches shorter if it weren't for that pesky zipper -- pulling dead presidents out of a White House purse like it's some sort of magic trick. Maybe if I get a purse in the shape of Barney's, the good people there will give me discounts on shoes; failing that, I'm just going to make a bag that looks like the Golden Arches so I can at least swing a sympathy Big Mac.
** Fear not, e-mailers -- I did mean Honda, not Volkswagen. There appears to be a Honda logo on her skirt. Maybe she wants to get in bed with Honda because it anagrams to, "Oh, DAN," and she's... really frustrated with how Andrea Zuckerman's R.A. Dan Rubin is behaving on some 90210 reruns. Or because it anagrams to "Nad ho," which... you know what? Never mind.
Fugie Price
Fortunately, Satan's lips aren't turning blue just yet -- it's just a headband over her very dark hair. I'm SO relieved that I was mistaken, I almost don't care that she's wearing animal-print leggings.
Well. almost. They're not pink, and I can't see her underboob, so in a sense this is a miracle in our time ALMOST worthy of taking the veil. But, the damn things still make me want to bang my head on my water glass and shout, "ALTOIDS." Excuse me -- I should probably go tape protective padding around all the sharp edges in my home office.
Kate and Fug: Unleashed
Katie Price Fugquestrian
[Photo: Splash News]
I realize that an "equestrian" doesn't have to be anything more than a person who rides horses, but I always think the word evokes those who wear blazers and jodhpurs and hats while they do dressage, or compete to see who can leap over all those cute fences the fastest and with no mistakes. So naturally, the best person to design gear for horses and riders would be a woman who's mostly famous for being crass and flashing her ginormous knockers everywhere (I know that's tacky, but seriously, at that old enormous size, "knockers" is what they were). Clearly, we are just a step or two away from the entire United Kingdom's equestrian team adopting these as the official uniforms. If you think THAT horse looks terrified at the idea of Katie throwing her leg over its back in that skirt, just imagine what will happen when, say, jumper Michael Whitaker has to do it. I think you can be arrested for that in some countries.
Jordan: Pushed to the Fug
And you know there's something special about a girl when your high-class photo service includes a detail shot...of her crotch (safe for work -- they didn't make her take her silvery unitard off):
I'm a Celebrity, Fug Me Out of Here!
Obviously, one doesn't look to UK celebrity nudist Katie "Jordan" Price for fashion tips. And yet:
My question is, considering that this is the woman who once said she wouldn't wear any skirt longer than 9 inches, does she think this gold item is a belt, or a skirt? I feel like it might be the latter. And that scares me.
As does the fact that she's starting to resemble a wax figure more than ever --- which I didn't think was possible -- but that's a frightening tale for another day.
Fugie Price
British cleavage queen Jordan is trying harder and harder to re-brand herself by her actual birth name Katie Price (imagine that), because of how she allegedly separates her raunchy modeling persona from her real life. I would like to try and go with her on that one -- she's sort of amusing on what I've seen of her late-night show with hubby Peter Andre -- but she's so costumey and crazy that it's hard to think of her as any kind of real person at all.
For instance, to promote her autobiography, Katie-Jordan wore a disco Wonder Woman outfit. To debut her new lingerie line, she wore a bra and panties. And now, to pimp her latest children's book Mermaids and Pirates: Follow The Fish, she showed up, of COURSE, in something delightfully literal:
That's just fantastic -- it's like the Enchantment Under The Sea dance reimagined as a soft-core ice ballet. Which, of course, is wholly appropriate when celebrating a book that's all about touching things and is aimed at really, really young people. What a successful image makeover this has been.
A Whole New Fug
Let's face it: if there would be one item that we would lash out against, unilaterally, it would obviously be shiny pleather leggings:

And yet, loathe as I am to admit it, Katie "Jordan" Price is kind of pulling them off. I have no idea how she got them ON -- baby powder? Vaseline? Prayer? -- but she's kind of working them.
Of course, it's entirely possible that I am feeling particularly charitable toward her because I just watched the video she and Peter Andre made for their cover of "A Whole New World." If you have not yet seen this, do yourself a favor and indulge. As Celine Dion sang so memorably in "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" -- a music video which looks like a three-minute advert for minimalism compared to Jordan and Peter's effort, by the way -- "there were moments of gold, and there were flashes of light. There were things I'd never do again, but then they'd always seemed right. There were nights of endless pleasure. It was more than any laws allow." Truly, the six minutes of black and white deliciousness that is their music video WILL provide you with endless pleasure. More than any laws allow. Enough, in fact, to make you accept black pleather leggings topped with a superfluous belt (because last time I checked, leggings don't have belt loops). It is that powerful. Consider that my gift to you.
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The Book of fug

A book, huh? Is it just stuff you already put on the Web site?
Nope, we wrote the whole thing fresh, just for you.
Awesome. In that case, I want to read it!
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