Taylor Momsen Archives

April 2, 2009

Little Fug

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makeup mishaps

I like to this of this photo as the promotional shot for a new show on The CW:

It's going to be a road-trip-themed reality show in which Taylor Momsen and Kelly Cutrone drive around the United States in a convertible solving crimes and teaching each other valuable lessons about life and love. Kelly will teach Taylor to stop wearing both a strong eye AND a heavy lip, and Taylor won't have anything to teach Kelly, so eventually Kelly will just leave her in the middle of nowhere and go back to New York to continue being the only person on The City who isn't a total liar. There won't be very many episodes, but we'll treasure it all the more for its brevity.

March 13, 2009

Spotted: Little Fug

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Just when you thought Little J's hair could get no worse:

[Photos: Splash News]

She quite literally looks like a cocker spaniel. What DID she do to the hair and makeup wizards to provoke this years-long assault, from which there appears to be no relief in sight? Did she turn firebug and torch someone's summer house? Did she steal someone's dim-witted (and sight-impaired) boyfriend? Did she run over a beloved pet? Did she lace someone's latte with roofies and then steal their treasured collection of rare costume jewelry while they were incapacitated?

Even Rufus and Dan can't look at the poor child:

Continue reading Spotted: Little Fug.

February 19, 2009

New York Fugshion Week, Day 6

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Gossip Girl

I feel like I've said all there is to say, for now, about The Hair. And how Taylor Momsen seems to be glaring at the camera in most photos as if it has offended her on a deeply personal level. So instead I will say that I don't hate this outfit, which she wore to the Marchesa show on Wednesday. It's young and funky and fits the aesthetic she's going for -- which, presumably, is Disaffected Rocker Teen Who Wants You To Think She Doesn't Care Even Though She Totally Does, And Is Not Going To Tidy Up Her Room Because That's Why We Have a Cleaning Lady, Mom, DUH -- and I figure, give credit where credit is due. Half the time she's trying to prance around in that hair with fancy ball gowns that are totally out of place on her, or else she's in terrible leggings or a sack dress, so all in all I will accept this as a mark in the "win" column for Little J up there and hope that she adopts a new coif in the Gossip Girl off-season.

Momsen also showed up at Anna Sui, just two hours after she fled Marchesa:

Continue reading New York Fugshion Week, Day 6.

February 16, 2009

You Fug You Love Me

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OH GOD MOMSEN:

This dress is lovely; WHY ARE YOU SO GLUM? Also, seriously....who is doing your face and hair? Who? And why are you letting them do this to you? Remember, a few weeks ago, when Eric Van Der Woodsen complimented you for losing the raccoon eyes, and you were all, "I know, right?" APPLY HIS CRITIQUE TO YOUR REAL LIFE. You're so very young. Even if you ARE strung out, you shouldn't LOOK strung out. It's like the best part of being young: the ability to string yourself out and still look delish. Not that I think you're actually strung out. You know what I'm saying. But you HAVE inspired me. It occured to me, looking at this photo, that VH1 would be well-served to start a new show, along the times of Rock of Celebrity Tools Rehab Academy, or whatever those shows are all called, in which a variety of troubled starlets have to live together in a ginormous mansion and improve themselves whilst occasionally having catfights and pouring beers into one another's weaves. Momsen could be there to have some stern taskmaster wash her face and cheer her up; Miley Cyrus could learn that she needs to never pose for photos, ever (seriously, I feel like she's had about nine scandals over various snaps in the last six months); Lilo can be there as a cautionary tale; and so forth. God, I want to set my Tivo for that RIGHT NOW.

February 5, 2009

Fugler Momfug

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The other day, after we once again expressed our displeasure with leggings, we got an e-mail complaining that we are boring, and saying that no one cares about our stupid rants about them. Clearly, based on the frequency with which celebrities still don them in public, that's at least partially true. So maybe we need to develop some kind of safe word -- an otherwise banal term with no real negative connotations, which we can use so that upon its mere mention, it automatically encapsulates all our usual feelings of enraged betrayal and grief that come with spotting someone out and about in The Spandex Scourge. Something like... zucchini. Or boggle (which, by the way, is really fun to say over and over again). Or Altoids.

Let's try it out:

[Photo: Splash News]

ALTOIDS.

And not just regular Altoids. Hot Altoids. Burning Altoids. Fiery, SCALDING Altoids that have been bedecked with glitter and feisty primary colors, like they're some kind of wearable personalized bowling ball airbrushed by a dude with a mild arson fetish. Altoids I would gladly attempt to knock some sense into by rolling them down a lane toward ten hard pins. Altoids being worn with the kind of tank top you usually see on burly dudes with waxed chests who are flexing in the mirror at the gym between grunting bicep curls. Altoids that still, unfathomably, won't grow out their horrible haircut. ALTOIDS. ALTOOOOOOIDS.

Phew. Okay, that sort of worked. Whenever we use our words around the office -- screaming "ARUGULA" every time the Internet cuts out at an inopportune moment, say, or yelling "PANTS" when we are out of Diet Coke -- they don't usually come with speeches. More like weeping and head-pounding. Still, we're new to this whole choking-back-the-leggings-rage thing. Eventually all we'll need is the one word and you'll feel the flames on the side of our faces.

January 14, 2009

Good Morning, Upper East Fuggers -- Fugsip Girl Here

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You know, if Little J fancies herself an up-and-coming clothing designer (which... does she, still? They kind of dropped that plotline a bit), she might not want to cut a swath through the Upper East Side wearing this:

If I could have reached through the TV with a pair of scissors and whacked off that single, measly, scraggly, pointless braid limply flirting with her collarbone, I would've done it. I don't know how the Gossip Girl crew resisted. As for the outfit, I wish it were a better photo; alas, my skills and my TV set are conspiring against me. But in the moment, those of us watching in my living room seriously wondered if it was some kind of elaborate antique support garment that she mistakenly donned over a turtleneck.

You may wonder why a strapless (or at least invisibly strapped) dress appears to be giving her polterwang. The answer is: That is not a dress. It's a CULOTTE ROMPER.

Oh, child, NO. First the show insists on bringing back awful, awful Georgina -- seriously, Entertainment Weekly and I are in a major fight over its continued pimping of that character (center of the bulls-eye, my ass) AND its recent assertion that 90210 is gripping and soapy -- and now this? Remember when all we had to worry about were Blair's headbands? Those were such innocent times.

January 13, 2009

Golden Globes Post-Party Fug: Taylor Momsen

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"Hi. I'm Taylor Momsen. I'm one of the stars of the CW mega-hit Gossip Girl. And I'm here to talk to you about one of the most serious issues facing teens today. It's something that my character, Jenny Humphrey, has been dealing with all season. And it's something I've had to deal with in my own life. It's a bad haircut. And it can happen to anyone.

It starts so innocently. Someone you trust comes up to you and says, ''let's do something funky with your hair! Something to match your eyeliner. Something ROCK AND ROLL!' And you think, 'that sounds fun! Why not?' But what starts as a kicky, layered hipster cut turns into something that people on the internet feel is essentially a mullet. And at first, you're in denial. You're like, 'no. I can handle this.' But then you wake up one morning and you realize that YOU NEED HELP. Professional help. Because it is a mullet, and you can't handle it.

But what you don't realize is that the road back from a bad hair cut is a long, long, long one. And it's hard. People say, 'it's just hair. It will grow.' But, dude. It grows really slow. And sometimes the emotional scars take even longer to heal. Look at me: my hair is truly on the way back from Mulletville, but I'm too scared to let anyone near my bangs. And you can tell from my expression that I may never fully recover from what my hair did to me this year. I'm full of resentment. And a little hate. And I can never get back my innocence. It's gone, even more surely and more completely than any residual love you might have had for my character, that annoying little Jenny Humphrey.

So think about that, friends, when someone from craft services comes up to you wielding a pair of pinking shears and promising to just take a little off the top. Your hair might grow back, but your spirit dies forever.

Thank you for listening. Please watch Gossip Girl, Mondays at 8pm on the CW. I heard that some people have a pool for how and when Schwartz is going to kill me off. I put $50 on season three November sweeps, being mauled by lions at the Bronx Zoo. Cross your fingers."

December 3, 2008

Little Fug

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"Oh, whatever, look at me all you want -- this is totally all a dream. I would never actually chop off my hair with a weedwhacker, I would never be allowed to run around town looking like I hadn't slept in three days, and I would TOTALLY never follow up an episode of Gossip Girl where my character tricked Vanessa into wearing a see-through dress by wearing a semi-transparent one myself. Like, I'm SO SURE. As IF I would let people see through to where my tights stop and my torso starts. You people are hilarious. There's no way I am conscious right now. I just fell asleep doing my Algebra homework and had a nightmare about getting my hair caught in the disposal and my subconscious is turning it into a 25-part series where I had to learn from my mistake and grow out my hair, and... well, although, I will grant you that this has been a really LONG dream... I am going to have some wicked morning breath when I wake up. But I will wake up. Because that is THE ONLY WAY this makes sense. Now pass me some mouthwash."

October 13, 2008

Fug or Fab: Taylor Momsen

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Actually, I'll be honest with you: I just don't particularly care for this.

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

All objections to the hair aside -- and there are still a lot of them to file away somewhere -- the dress is doing very little for me. It feels lazily constructed and totally unremarkable for anything other than its smallness. Seriously, stick a feather duster in Taylor's hand and, voila! She's Santa's chambermaid.

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

Maybe if this were a Come As Your Favorite Clue Character shindig, I could get behind it -- but not before warning her that Yvette MAY OR MAY NOT have been one of Miss Scarlett's call girls who MAY OR MAY NOT have been photographed in a compromising position with Colonel Mustard, and that (spoiler!) she ended up throttled on top of a pool table without control over whether anyone could see up her tiny, tiny skirt.

And it IS short. Even the dude in the background is all, "Look away. She's fifteen. Look AWAY. She's FIFTEEN. AWAY. FIFTEEEEN." Not that fifteen-year old girls can't sometimes wear miniskirts, but I think both that man and I are more afraid of an ill wind than she is.

She did have at least one admirer, though:

Continue reading Fug or Fab: Taylor Momsen.

September 30, 2008

You Know You Fug Me

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There was so much on Gossip Girl that was inaccurate about Fashion Week last night. For one thing, Heather and I rarely have the kind of awesome seats Eleanor Waldorf gave us:

[Photo: Heather's Camera]

Also, I rarely react to seating charts with a delighted squeal and maybe some hand-clapping, which - I must confess -- is exactly I did when I noticed this. Gossip Girl crew, I think we owe you a beer because you kind of made my Monday night.

And then poor Little J kind of bought it back down:

Which is something she should consider doing with her hem. Seriously. That skirt is SHORT. Add the empire waist to the equation and it kind of looks like she's squeezed into something she wore as a child. You know, three years ago. The fact that it also seems to be made out of my grandma's kitchen curtains from 1948 and might actually have rick-rack on it -- when anyone who's ever watched The Hills knows that everyone working a fashion show wears all black -- is almost beside the point. Although it would be wrong for me not to take this moment to confess that I would kill someone for the chance to see a crossover between Gossip Girl and The Hills if it meant that somehow, Jenny had to work for Kelly Cutrone. But listen, when you have to slouch so you don't flash the camera your undies, you need a longer dress:

[Photos: via GossipGirlOnline.net]

But honestly, thank god for Little J. What on earth would I complain about, if not for her? I mean, Vanessa wasn't even IN this episode. Maybe Rufus's hair. He is beginning to look like he's spending his downtime living in that Seinfeld episode where Jerry and Kramer get low-flow shower heads. But I can't be too rough on him. Look at what he has to deal with! That girl is wearing a quasi-ruff made entirely of Red Hots. HE HAS A LOT ON HIS PLATE.

Taylor Momsen

Little Fug

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Spotted: Little Fug

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New York Fugshion Week, Day 6

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You Fug You Love Me

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Fugler Momfug

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Good Morning, Upper East Fuggers -- Fugsip Girl Here

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Golden Globes Post-Party Fug: Taylor Momsen

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Little Fug

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Fug or Fab: Taylor Momsen

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You Know You Fug Me

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