Keira Knightley

February 13, 2009

The Edge of Fug

Aw, Keira. You're like the best-dressed granny in all of France:

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Truly. Later in the evening, I hope you give me a Gauloise - the Werther's Original of France -- while you read me a story.

In all fairness, I actually feel like I kind of get what she's going for here, and it COULD be kind of saucy and insouciant and chic, but she just looks SO GLUM and her shoes and her bag are so OLD LADY (I know that bag costs like a billion dollars and BLAH BLAH BLAH -- I just have a personal distaste for small quilted bags with chain straps [I presume it's Chanel, but I have been wrong before] because I feel like they always make you look like someone who sleeps on a donut-shaped satin pillow to preserve your old lady hair) that it's all kind of depressing. I don't want to scamper through the streets of Paris, stealing Vespas and laughing charmingly at boys with her, I want to take her to a bar, sit her down in front of a fire, feed her a giant, cheesy sandwich with some fortifying wine, and make her tell me what's wrong.

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KEIRA: Um, Sienna? What are you doing?

SIENNA: Shh, be quiet. I'm trying to do your silent pouty thing where you look kind of coy and cross and hungry all at once.

KEIRA: Not bad, not bad. But it's better when you open your lips up a little bit.

SIENNA: You mean, like this?
September 12, 2008

The Fugchess

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[Photo: WENN]

KEIRA: ... and so that's why my hair has been looking fantastic lately.

REGIS: AMAZING. Now maybe you can sit down with GELMAN. He needs the HELP.

KELLY: I'm sorry, I have to say this -- that is a terrible jumpsuit.

KEIRA: Well, I wanted to wear something striking. Like the costumes on my character in The Duchess, which...

REGIS: You know what strikes me? It looks like PAJAMAS. Are you in a bedtime MARCHING BAND?

KELLY: I mean, you KNOW it's cuffed, right? And you wore it anyway?

KEIRA: I am a very independent thinker, which reminds me of The Duchess, because...

REGIS: You know what I think? Notre Dame 617, Michigan -6. THAT'S RIGHT. And I'm gonna score one of them on the ground! I've got ELIGIBILITY LEFT, GELMAN.

KELLY: UGH, it's making me tense just looking at you in that thing. I just want to rip it off and loan you a cute dress.Please, can we stop tape and go into my closet?

KEIRA: Listen, if I go, will you let me talk about the bloody movie?

REGIS: You're in a MOVIE?

September 4, 2008

Fug or Fab: Keira Knightley

I only chose a photo with Ralph Fiennes in it because we have a long-standing fictional relationship:

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I loved him so passionately in college (circa Quiz Show) that I was known around college for the high quality of my shrine to him -- and this was BEFORE THE INTERNET (because I was a student when dinosaurs walked the earth), so keeping up with the latest Fiennes information took constant vigilance. Now I look upon him fondly, like an ex with whom I parted on extremely good terms, and just think things like, "do you think his hair just looks like that now, or he's growing it out after shaving it to be Voldemort? I'm glad he at least stuck his nose back on."

But anyway: Keira. I think I might LOVE IT. But the tulle at the bottom has me perplexed. I can't find my way to the truth.

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I think Vogue left something off the cover. In addition to being (allegedly) a Fashion Star, a Pirate Queen, and History's Sexiest Duchess (A-Dubs knows Pirates of the Caribbean was fiction, right? Or is she peering at Johnny Depp over her sunglasses and thinking, "Johnny Depp looks SO MUCH like that charming pirate Keira is often going sailing with. I wonder if they're related?"), it seems KK is also The Worst-Coiffed Vogue Cover Girl In...Ever. Um, what HAPPENED here? Leaving aside the fact that she appears to have what could very well be a fabulous dress...tucked into...two belts? Over which she is wearing maybe pants?...or a skirt? I am perplexed. Okay, let's leave that aside as promised. Leaving that aside, her hair looks like mine did that time I tried to train it to go longer between washes, i.e. greasy, lank, stringy shapeless, possibly a bit smelly and therefore scraped back into some kind of quasi-up-do meant to disguise all of the above. Surely Keira can wash her hair for Vogue. SURELY, they didn't do this on purpose. Surely.
So, you know that I wasn't thrilled about the crazy-ass thing our old friend Sienna Miller wore to the premiere of The Edge of Love. What I didn't mention at the time was that Ms. Keira Knightley apparently also took a dip in Lake Lackluster herself:

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She looks sharp-ish here, but I submit that this is because she's standing next to a woman wearing love beads and a ridiculous hat, and because Keira Knightley is supremely lithe and can therefore suffer the slings and arrows of a white jumpsuit without looking like a marshmallow. They both look sad, maybe because they both realized that one day a fashion magazine will show them this picture and ask them what they were thinking and they're both going to be like, "....Umm."

But cheer up, girls! Happy times are just around the corner! Look and see:

JAMES MCAVOY: Hi, K.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY: Hi, J.

JAMES: Can I ask you something?

KEIRA: Of course.

JAMES: We were hot in Atonement, right?

KEIRA: Completely.  Hot + WWII + English = SUPER HOT.

JAMES: I thought I remembered it right. So...?

KEIRA: Like we're in some kind of simultaneously post-modern and low-rent version of Grease. I know.

JAMES: It's terrible. Also, are those your....?

KEIRA: Knickers? So it seems. 

JAMES: But we're so attractive and good in the movie. Why would they do this to us?

KEIRA: Oh, honey. You haven't even seen the worst of it.

JAMES: How is that possible? Do they have an outtake in which I am drooling?

KEIRA: Turn the magazine over.

July 14, 2005

Fuggy of the Caribbean

Keira Knightley was pissed. Even some serious retail therapy couldn't make her feel better about failing to nab that coveted role in the Cyndi Lauper biopic.

April 19, 2005

Fug It Like Fugham

Why does Keira Knightley look like an adult extra in Annie's slum scenes?

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It's a hard-knock life, indeed.

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Keira looks like she's shooting the touching final scene of Just One of the Guys II: Still Wanging It Up, wherein her character's deception has been revealed, and she's dressing like a proud 1980s female again even though she's completely ruined her hair.

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