Janet Jackson Archives

September 29, 2009

Well Played, Janet Jackson

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On the one hand, this is very Krystle Carrington:

On the other, it's both sexy and mature on her -- I mean, as much as Janet Jackson is perpetually Miss Jackson If You're Nasty in my head, she is 43, and so it's nice that she's not running around trying to act like she's Lauren Conrad or something. The matching nail polish might be a bit much, but frankly, I'm just glad Janet looks both happy and as though she has not forsaken eating. Her entire tabloid experience is either stories about a) how she's gained a ton of weight, or b) how she's lost a bunch of weight for the last time, for real, totally, we mean it. So I'm glad she's bought some real estate someplace in between: healthy, hot, and still not afraid to flash a little cleavage. You go, Janet. And if somebody sees this photo and decides to pitch Dynasty II and cast her as the trophy wife in a clan of Kleenex barons or something, well, I can try to learn to love again. It won't be like the first time, but what is?

March 25, 2009

Miss Jackson, If You're Fug

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Aw, Janet!

[Photo: Splash News]

Already prepping for Fug Madness 2010! THIS is the kind of devotion I like to see. And you're going for that sort of Mary-Kate Homeless The Actual Size of My Body Is A Mystery And I Could Have a Severed Head In This Bag look this year. That's a fascinating change of tactic. I agree that the My Boob Is Popping Out Of My Sequined Banana Costume look IS getting crowded with upstarts and you might go farther next time with a different look. In fact, this might just be a stroke of genius, Ms Jackson. I can't wait to see what else you're going to unload on us.

September 12, 2008

Why Did I Get Fugged?

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No, Janet Jackson, NO.

[Photo: WENN]

By which I mean, YES, Janet Jackson, YES. The two of us just clapped and screamed, "THANK YOU JESUS."

It's like she's the lead vixen in Snow Plow: The Musical, about an alien race of galactic warlords who travel by chair lift to conquer the universe, and the rebels who slalom their way to freedom. Clearly, Grace Jones would co-star. In fact, Grace Jones is probably sitting at home thinking, "Damn, girl, I wore that to dinner last night, thank God we didn't bump into each other."

July 2, 2008

Miss Jackson, If You're Fugly

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I have many questions.

One: I actually don't hate the concept of the dress, but did Janet KNOW it was see-through, thereby governing her choice of a bra in what appears to be the exact same shade of brown? Don't you think she might instead have chosen a camisole, or a slip, or -- and I know this is crazy-talk, but here goes -- a dress that wasn't see-through at all? These are things she can control -- which she clearly knows a little something about, since she named her debut album after it, and how DARE she lie to us through song.

Two: Why is Jermaine Dupri escorting her to a fancy couture show in Paris wearing the kind of pants you keep at the back of your closet, or in the garage, for when you have to paint the bathroom and don't want to screw up your real clothes?

Three: I love a big bag, but why does Janet need one that massive? What could she possibly be sneaking into the show? A rotisserie chicken? A juicer? Whatever potentially rabid dog may have mauled Jermaine Dupri's pants? Luxembourg? I MUST KNOW.

May 14, 2008

Why Did I Get Fugged?

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"Hello. My name is Janet, and I'll be your hostess tonight here at Ombre's Fabulous Caftan and Sushi Emporium. Your table is ready. We have two specials tonight: a spicy tuna roll with avocado and mango, and this spectacularly fabulous/totally f'ing crazy caftan-gown which handily doubles as a parachute if you happen to get pushed out of a plane and yet is still dramatic enough to work if you wake up in an alternate universe where you are starring in Dynasty:Intergalatic. It also transforms into a really fantastic window treatment. Can I get you folks a drink to start?"

February 27, 2008

Fugapline

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Dear Miss Janet Privacy Control-Jackson (I understand that is your full name),

I must thank you for your body of work. What other artist has provided more opportunities for both car-dancing and elementary school roller-skating parties? And yet, I suspect your body is not thanking you for this particular piece of work:

Yeah. Call them whatever you want: genie-trousers, blouson-pants, harem-suit bottoms, pouffy leg-sleeves, pirate breeches, capri-bloomers, parachute-knickers -- I'm sure our friends at the glossy magazines will think of some more palatable euphemism for what you're wearing. When, let's be honest, they're actually about twenty minutes away from being Hammer pants. That's not a Behind the Music you even want to approximate.

October 23, 2007

Why Did I Get Fugspray?

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ZAC EFRON: I feel...so strange right now.

JANET JACKSON: My weight loss/gain cycle IS amazing, isn't it? But I believe the word you're looking for right now to describe me is HOT. Do you like my veneers? Take a real close look if you want!

JOHN TRAVOLTA: Yes, my shirt IS gingham. Wanna make something of it?

ZAC: Seriously. I need to sit down. I hope no one spiked my drink. I just saw something about that on Lifetime. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to lie down? I want to take off my tie.

JANET: God, this is SO MUCH BETTER than the time Star Magazine was saying I bought out the House of Pies. Which was a LIE, by the way. Can't a girl eat a pie now and then in this town, anyway? Am I right?

JOHN: Nothing wrong with a smart little check, is what I'm saying.

ZAC: Are there TWO Janet Jacksons next to me? I'm scared. I think my skinny tie is talking to me. It just said, "Zac! I'm anorexic!" That doesn't make any SENSE! Maybe I shouldn't have mixed my Benadryl with those four martinis. But I'm thirsty, AND I have allergies! What was I supposed to do?

JANET: I feel so happy right now, I'll even answer questions about my secret marriage! Yes! Ask away!

JOHN: My shirt matches one of Kelly's aprons. Gingham rocks!

ZAC: This party is weird.

September 10, 2007

New York Fugshion Week: Days 3, 4, and 5

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The humidity tried to beat us down on Friday, clenched its gnarled fists again on Saturday, and whupped us but good on Sunday. Still, it doesn't ruin our moods -- Bryant Park looks pretty, if crowded; the clothes are cute; the cold Diet Cokes go down like magic tonic; and there was a glut of celebrities taking in whatever shows they could before flying west for the VMAs. We are trying not to feel deserted.

Here are the highlights:

Ivana Trump really should've been talking to Padma Lakshmi about Top Chef. It's what we'd have done. Well, no, we'd probably have sat there in silence thinking, "God, I really should be talking to Padma about Top Chef, but all I can do is stare at my pedicure and wonder why it's not holding up very well." But Ivana Trump doesn't have our problems.
Somebody please give Candace Bushnell some nap time. Maybe All My Children can give her a holiday, like they did for the beguiling Leven Rambin.
It's nice to see Nicole Richie continuing to class up her baby bump, even though we can't always see it.
Kate Bosworth shouldn't do her hair that way. Couldn't Anna Wintour have counseled her?
Kyra Segwick is wee.
Janet Jackson looks fine, everyone. Let's just calm down about her ass.
Demi Moore COULD NOT keep her hands off Ashton Kutcher. Not that w blame her. In fact, it was sort of endearing.
Vincent Gallo is still gross; Samuel L. Jackson is still motherfuggin' awesome. And when they're in the same photo, it just makes them each look more like they belong in those categories.
Poor Gossip Girl kid. She really needed a handler to make sure she got to the Peter Som show before it started.

We do wish we'd been able to see Molly Sims' whole outfit from the Max Azria show in the moment, rather than so far after the fact. Behold:

Continue reading New York Fugshion Week: Days 3, 4, and 5.

February 14, 2005

Grammy Awards: Pre-Party Fug Carpet

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[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

Is somebody out there in pre-production on a hipped-up remake of The Wizard of Oz? Because I could swear Janet Jackson is trying to redeem herself by going all-out to win the part of Glinda The Good Witch.

Which won't work at all, because I'd like nothing more than to drop a house on Janet, and unfortunately Glinda's saccharine ass doesn't meet with that fate. Unless this is a really good remake.

Janet Jackson

Well Played, Janet Jackson

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Miss Jackson, If You're Fug

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Why Did I Get Fugged?

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Miss Jackson, If You're Fugly

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Why Did I Get Fugged?

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Fugapline

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Why Did I Get Fugspray?

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New York Fugshion Week: Days 3, 4, and 5

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Grammy Awards: Pre-Party Fug Carpet

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