Jennifer Garner

Here is one reason I will always like Jennifer Garner. Well, I suppose she could go on Letterman and admit to flossing her teeth with puppies and that she willfully burns copies of Dynasty DVDs just to hear Joan Collins' soul scream, and that might change my opinion. But otherwise, I find her refreshingly normal:

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Listen, the dress? It's boring. But J.Gar had a baby in, what, early January? And it's now late April, and she's losing the weight healthily and at her own pace. Most self-congratulatory head-cases in this town would have been one-woman gun shows, ripped to the gills, by March -- and then done a magazine cover about how it took TWO WHOLE MONTHS to drop the weight by working out six times a day, starting a week after the birth, and eating really satisfying palm-sized pieces of fish with lemon juice and a piece of lettuce.

Garner, conversely, looks great here -- but she also looks regular. She's clearly letting it come off the normal way and at the normal rate, and isn't too concerned about remaining housebound in a caftan until she's 90 lbs of muscle. It's just nice to see that kind of an approach to celebrity pregnancy at a time when everyone else decides the inspirational stories involve the likes of Dancing With The Stars' Samantha Harris, who bragged in Us about how she only gained 20 lbs and lost it with, like, one giant sneeze about two weeks after she popped out the baby.

So, well played, Jen. Now just make sure those divorce rumors from before you were preggo turn out to be false, okay? Because I find your family adorable. And your life is, of course, about what I want.

We need to talk about Jennifer Garner, and not in a OH MY GOD JENNIFER PUT AWAY THOSE WHITE SATIN HOT PANTS kind of way, thank goodness. Basically, while our fondness for her is well-documented, even the haters have to admit that she has been WORKING IT lately. I love the dress she wore to the London premiere of The Whatever It's Called That Looks Sort of Like Alias But With Jamie Foxx And Without Wigs, Which Is Generally a Mistake:

And I ALSO love the dress she wore to the Paris premiere of same:

So pretty! And colorful! And classic! But not boring! But while whoever's styling her has been really on the ball lately (I know that she often works with Rachel Zoe, and if that's the case, I must salute you, Zoe, even if I don't enjoy it), most of all, I have been coveting her hair. I don't know what she's putting in it to make it so shiny and bouncy -- volumizer? Violet's saliva? The blood of virgins? -- but I want some, and I will pay whatever you charge.

February 23, 2007

Fug and Release

Let's get one thing straight: I love Jennifer Garner. I love her, I love her relationship with Victor Garber, I love her and Ben Affleck together, I love it when she's on with Martha Stewart. I love her.

I do not love her in this, sadly:

Obviously, this is not the fug that symbolizes the end of the world. Neither of her nipples are visible, she isn't wearing a bucket on her head, and she hasn't got, like, a dildo strapped to her jeans like a tail, or something likewise tasteless and horrifying. It's just so...dreary. She looks like Mary Poppins, if old Mare fell into a deep, deep depression , stopped cleaning nurseries via magical means, and was no longer charmed by her whimsical carpet-bag. Try a spoonful of sugar, J Gar, and a little bit of color. Please!

I certainly hope this isn't a harbinger of any Bennifer 2.0 wedding dress:


[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

I think I preferred her ill-fated attempt at lace; at least that looked like Jennifer saw the gown and, however ill-advisedly, got caught up in feeling like a princess without actually considering that it looked like it came from Grandma's "Good Linens" drawer. But this one... Is this a nightgown? It's just... boring. Bland, shapeless, wrinkled.

And it accentuates the fact that Jennifer Garner doesn't seem to have a waist -- which is fine; I'm not saying she isn't a lovely girl. In fact, I have an almost boundless affinity for her, stemming largely from the fact that she'd probably be a lot of fun for a day of shopping, watching girly movies, and painting toenails while gossiping about boys. But she does tend to look a bit... boxy... especially when her shoulders are toned just-so. In the past she's worn dresses that create the illusion of curves, but here she's in a thankless shift that does her no favors. It looks like she's hiding. And what might that be, Jen? Do I smell Bumpwatch 2005?

October 6, 2004

Fuglias

Seriously, this hurts me more than it hurts you.

I admit, I quite like Jennifer Garner. I am invested in her personal happiness. I think she's adorable. And she used to dress quite nicely.

However. Things seem to be taking a turn for the worse. First, her Emmy dress, which looked like the unholy union of a doily factory and a jujitsu studio. And now....oh, it's the little things that clue us into the fact that something's gone horribly wrong with J. Gar:

Black leather trench.

Brown leather bag.

Darker brown suede boots.

No. No, no, no. Now, listen: I'm not one of those Accessories Nazis who screams that your handbag must match your shoes. However, I do think they ought to be complementary. And three different colors and textures of leather in one outfit? Is not complementary. Each of these pieces is fine on its own, but together they make her look like Wilson's Leathers vomited on her in the limo. Did she not think about her outerwear at all? Did she just put on the first coat she found in her closet and grab the purse she took to Whole Foods earlier in the day? What's wrong with J. Gar? Have we just caught her on an off night -- I mean, it's a sartorial misstep, to be sure, but it's not like she showed up dressed like Carmen Miranda -- or is it something more...sinister?

Has she been affected...by The Affleck?

I'm one of those people who just likes Jennifer Garner, for whatever reason, and doesn't really care who she's boffing as long as she's happy.

I do, however, care about reckless uses of doilies and sashes:

She looks like a karate bride; a black-belt in ancient and sacret art of Pulling A Scarlett O'Hara With Granny's Best Lace Curtains. Whoever told her to cinch the dress ought to be slapped. I'm sure tomorrow I'll find out that the scarf belonged to a dead relative/starving child/Ben Affleck, and that she wore it as a tribute, but even if that's true, I maintain that the honoree would take one look at her deployment of said tribute scarf and weep tears of sartorial grief.

And if those are flat shoes under there, and if the dress indeed has the hidden trouser element at which it hints in this photo, then she's going on my list. All the Krav-Maga in the world can't defeat a vigorous fugging.

Oh, Jen. Can't we go back to the days when ill-fitting corsets and the ensuing quadra-boob were your only problems?

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